Help, I don’t want to meet my new boyfriend’s kids!

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I got divorced a year ago and have two children in shared custody. With the father of my children, routine killed us, especially since I was taking care of everything and I wasn’t even having fun with my children anymore, my head was on the handlebars like that.

For the past few months I have been in a relationship with a divorced father like me again and am living my best life. We see each other when we don’t have children, we go out on weekends, we go out in the evening, we do exhibitions, we go to restaurants, we spend weekends in bed eating, watching movies and making love. I’ve lost ten years and I love this new balance that allows me to recharge my batteries when I’m alone and have fun with my children when I have them. I’m enjoying them like never before, we really found each other.

Except here… My boyfriend wants to introduce me to his two sons aged 4 and 7. Since I have one too, I feel like he thinks that we bond, that we have this in common. I love him, but I don’t want children in our life, neither his nor mine (I still want to enjoy it all to myself). Not for now anyway. I fear he will change the dynamic. I love being able to live this life and compartmentalize.

I admit that I’m burned out on my marriage: what if meeting your children is the beginning of the end of our carefree story?

What to do ?

Sofia

Daronne’s response

My little chamois,

If you knew how many times I told my boyfriend that no, I didn’t want to see his kids… And he had them with me. So I put myself perfectly in your position and understand that you don’t want that.

Jokes (in good taste) aside, I completely understand that after years of managing a home you don’t want to set the table again right away. Especially because your current daily life seems particularly pleasant and well-organized.

After all, your family status in no way condemns you to having to manage all the children in the world by proxy.

Does being a mother condemn you to loving all children?

I feel immense tenderness for the children of the people I love. I am always happy to be able to discuss their daily challenges with them and happily share my questions. That said, everyone has their own diapers. Usually I only meet these cuties during an afternoon in the park, while they wallow in the mud together with my parents (that’s what they call it, preparing a magic potion).

I think our children don’t necessarily have a place in all aspects of our lives. Even if these slices are shared with people who are parents themselves. It is important to remember that they exist, as our universe is profoundly shaped by their presence, and that they are the most important beings in our lives as parents. But they are not obligated to actively participate in our adult activities.

I happily talk to my children about my friends and activities. At least the ones authorized for minors. They also talk to me about theirs, but I don’t go to school with them in the morning. (Well yes, because frankly I don’t know how you can let go of a baby who’s crying like someone just gutted a unicorn in front of him, but I can’t). Just like my children don’t participate in my professional life. (Well, once again yes, since video conferencing entered our homes, it has been hell).

I therefore completely agree that, although certain adult relationships are eminently important, they are not necessarily meant to be shared with our children. At least not without protecting yourself a little… Especially in your case.

Women have no interest in meeting their boyfriends’ children

Of course, I could argue that meeting your boyfriend’s kids doesn’t commit you to anything and that these can only be cordial, consequence-free interactions. Unfortunately, you and I know that your fears are justified. If the first meeting goes well, others will follow, more and more regularly. Until the evening when he calls you urgently to ask you to look after the little ones, while he deals with an emergency in the office. Am I pessimistic? Possibly. But the risks that you gradually find yourself taking on the role of stepmother and everything that includes socks to wash and homework to supervise are far from zero.

Of course, it all depends on how your boyfriend approaches housework. Current data still tells us that there is a 70% chance that your boyfriend has just left a daily life managed almost exclusively by his ex. Men are creatures full of resources and courage. The proof is that they have already hunted mammoths. But perhaps not so flexible and courageous as to completely deconstruct the patterns of a life in a few months.

And neither do you, for that matter. She chases away the natural, returns to the gallop. And it is because society is what it is that I support your non-envy.

How to handle the situation (spoiler: simply)?

Of course it is not in your interest to express such things. Patriarchy is a comfortable world full of denial. He’s not thinking about what comes next yet, just a meeting. – Oh my God, girls, you’re in trouble rhhh rhhh...

So you can start by explaining things as they are. For the moment your current life suits you perfectly and you prefer to continue enjoying it among adults, without involving your children in all this, even if you tell them about your respective partners. This request is, in my opinion, perfectly admissible.

What happens next is up to you. If your partner doesn’t see his future in a compartmentalized way, it’s up to you to set very clear boundaries about the terms of this meeting and these implications. I believe it is perfectly possible to spend time with a child on a daily basis without having to replace their guardian. As long as the guardian present takes on her role. And to do this, you need to map out the terrain in advance and not miss anything when the time comes.

I’m leaving you, the school just called me, I have to go get my husband’s daughter.

The kiss,

Your Daronne

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