Help, my boyfriend left me and I feel like I’ll never get over him!

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I was dumped by someone I was in love with almost 5 months ago.

Our relationship lasted almost two years. He was getting out of a 17 year relationship with his childhood sweetheart (who left him) and I was getting out of a 10 year relationship with a psychologically toxic person.

Both of us having children (he was young, I was a teenager), we took advantage of our free weekends to get to know each other and have fun. I felt like I had found my double. We had the same sense of humor and communicated transparently, with respect and kindness. We have done many trips.

Except that, over the months we spent together, he failed to feel for me what I felt for him. He cares about me, but it’s not enough and he ended our relationship.

We have remained in contact and continue to speak to each other currently and, like almost everyone, we have promised to remain friends, we have continued to see each other “after” our breakup. I have been heartbroken ever since, even 5 months later. Everyone tells me to cut off all contact with him, but I can’t do that. I’ve put things in place to get better, ride my bike, plan trips, weekends, see friends, enjoy my family, but I still feel the void of pain that a breakup leaves. I’m writing to you because I would like you to help me feel better and stop feeling bad.

I need your advice moving forward and thank you in advance.

Lucia.

Daronne’s response

My little cat,

I remember my first heartbreak. At that moment I listed all the things I was willing to sacrifice in exchange for the return of my loved one. He included her toes. Perfectly, I was ready to trade my feet for his return. I don’t know by what magical means this would have been possible, but I guess the old me had it all planned out.

At the time I sincerely thought that this breakup marked the definitive end of a happy existence. Years later, when summer comes and I put on sandals, I thank heaven for sparing my little feet from sausages. And for sparing me. In retrospect, the man dear to my heart was a little scum, despite his long hair and skateboarding skills.

After him there were other great joys and other great sorrows. Until my path crossed that of the Darons and I told myself that in fact all these troubles had had the advantage of leading me to him.

I don’t believe in destiny or the concept of soul mates. I know my dear husband will probably be gone one day too. Or I’ll leave one day. The game is this: love is so cruel that the person we love most in the world is also the one who has the right to screw us without explaining why. But it’s still worth it.

How to open your ex’s eyes and win him back?

I remember a very popular site in the early 2000s called: I’ll get my ex back. This site provides specific instructions for this purpose. You had to first respect the “radio silence” and then make a subtle response and… STOP.

Your ex has made his decision, regardless of the reasons. An unspoken romantic contract can be terminated at any time, without notice and without compelling reason. The desire to leave is enough, even if it is still impossible to rationalize for a broken heart.

Don’t oppose his will, otherwise you risk being hit in the face or, more terrible, risk him returning, consumed by pity and guilt. Despite the short-lived relief, it would be the worst thing that could happen to you. This would condemn you to live with a sword of Damocles hanging over your head, thus denying your personality, so as not to scare him. From experience, it is a hard blow to die slowly. I prefer to warn you.

Heartbreak is unique in that it hurts excruciatingly, but is benign. I know of no mental pain so severe. And deceptive with this! One day it vanishes, only to return to stare at us the next day. Until it stops.

However, one might believe that suffering so much, and for so long, would traumatize the most optimistic among us. Think ! Who will we find soon with their pants on, hanging on the arm of a new human being who is much more attractive than your ex? Or die laughing with friends better than cismec? You! Exactly !

Accept the pain and loss

You tell me that five months into your affair you’re at the bottom of the bucket. I don’t see what’s shocking about it. Unpleasant, yes. I imagine myself well. But shocking? In French law there is no statutory duration for recovery after a breakup. The lost hearts police won’t come and arrest you because it takes you “a long time” to get over something.

Some manage to extricate themselves from the brambles of a broken passion in a few weeks, for others it takes longer. There are people who will need to throw themselves headlong into conquests and parties, others who will have to hole up at home crying in front of them. Selling the sunset. There is no right way to do things, except the one that feels good.

Since you give me this power, I will prescribe a very simple exercise for you. In the coming winter months, let’s say until March 15th, I give you permission to do exactly what you want. Obviously as long as it doesn’t threaten your integrity or that of others.

Do you need to stay in your pajamas all day complaining? To move on ! Want to test everything your dating app offers? Go! Want to spend your weekends doing movie marathons with your daughter (or by yourself)? Let’s go ! Want to enroll your teen in an activity so you have time to cry in the evening? Be my guest! Eat what you want, sleep how you want, even if the rhythm is irregular. As long as your daughter is safe and you are safe too, it’s fine. No “must” or “have to”. You are recovering and need to take care of yourself.

Is cutting ties with your ex a good idea?

I have to tell you that I am very divided on the issue. In theory I approve of the idea of ​​cutting ties with your ex. Seeing your loved one again and again and realizing that they only feel tenderness tinged with pity towards us is bad. As for remaining friends, I think there are enough people on this earth to find friends who aren’t exes you’re still in love with.

In practice, you also do not expose yourself to eternal damnation by continuing to frequent him. Worst case scenario, you’ll still be at the same point in a few months and it won’t be the end of the world. The time frame of a heartbreak is short enough that what we face while we’re in it doesn’t impact the long-term future.

You have the right to take your time and do what suits you, even if it is not “the best option”. We live in a world of victory that forces us to gesture in all directions as soon as we’re not doing well. You have to meditate, repeat positive affirmations, swallow ginseng, meet men after blocking the last one, try yoga and discover new bars and… Laziness! Accept your condition, there is nothing else to do. Fighting it only means acknowledging the failure of the maneuver. When you get better, you’ll feel it. One day you will be ready to cut ties with this ex. Or not, but then you can really become friends.

Finally, tell me up front about a toxic relationship that lasted ten years. I don’t know if you’ve had the opportunity to discuss any of this with a professional. If not, I can only encourage you, it will also allow you to resolve this breakup if your pain does not go away. In fact, you have the right to take your time. Despite everything, if you don’t see any improvement compared to the deadline set by your Daronne, a few sessions with a professional should give you the impetus to finally consider the future calmly, alone or with others.

I’ll leave you, I’ll buy myself some biscuits,

The kiss,

Your Daronne

Listen to Apéro des Daronnes, Madmoizelle’s show that aims to break down taboos on parenting.