Help, my boyfriend and I don’t agree on how to raise kids

LDaronne answers your questions trying not to be too out of line.

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

My boyfriend and I are parents of two children aged 1 and 3. As our children grow, I realize that my boyfriend and I are very different in how we raise our children.

On certain aspects of daily life I find him decidedly too severe. For him, for example, children must be in bed by 7.30pm, whatever the day, weekend, weekday, holiday. Before that, they must have bathed and had dinner. Even if we are with friends or on a trip, it’s not about detouring or ordering a plate of french fries to feed the kids, we have to get home. Moreover, at home, if I allowed it, it would be frozen every night with ice cream for dessert and sugary drinks. The same on screens, he doesn’t see the problem that children watch cartoons in abundance, especially the older ones.

It’s the opposite for me, I’m quite flexible on times and plans, when we’re out I don’t mind my children eating the chips from the appetizer, but I like that there are “healthy” rules at home. I want to teach them to eat everything, fresh and in season. I also wish they would learn to take better care of themselves.

In short, we never agree! What to do ?

Maeva

Daronne’s response

My little sweatshirt (what a joy to be able to wear it again)

To discover the dark side of an individual, there is nothing like having a child with him. If so, within couples without children, some partners believe that a good spanking teaches kids not to talk at the table. Although bottled rum still works best to keep them quiet. Luckily, since they don’t have kids, their significant other will never know that she’s dating a relative from the 1950s, and not a very good one.

It gets complicated when we decide to reproduce. That’s when you realize that your beloved partner, funny, kind and intelligent, is also particularly rigid and has the psychology of an onion bulb.

Or, like the vast majority of parental couples that populate this planet, yours is made up of two completely respectable parents, but each with their own experiences and assimilated values.

Educational differences, so distant, but still so close

Finally, why do we get confused? For nonsense, after all, it’s not for nothing truffleis the anagram ofconfuses (No, but I’m sure you checked anyway, it’s proof that from a distance, that’s exactly the case). Sometimes behind this nonsense lies a mountain of dried manure. Sometimes it’s just the opposite.

Before bedtime and the composition of the menus become a source of conflict (we Daronne and the Daron live in a heartbreaking universe), you shared a common project: that of raising this child together in love and serenity.
Wouldn’t you think that this sentence is taken from a guide by Florence Pernoud? And no, because if that were the case he would advise you to bite the bullet so as not to disturb your husband further!

So whether or not you talked about it before birth, now is the time to take a moment together to share your educational values. The real ones, the ones hidden behind the pile of slowly rotting carrots, because there are those who prefer them frozen.

The wonderful thing is that, deep down, you probably have the same goals when it comes to your little ones. For example happiness and freedom, but also more personal values, such as sincerity or curiosity (these values ​​have nothing to do with each other).

How to reach an agreement on children’s education?

I’m sorry to tell you that sometimes one of you will have to give up. Unless you find compromises that no one will like, but will keep you from killing each other.

Here’s my advice: alternate industrial dinners with fresh dinners and establish rules about screen time without eliminating it. Set the days yolo where you can go out, drink coke, not bathe and eat olive pits for dinner. Tighten the screws on weekday evenings, torture them by preparing a special evening of green vegetables, without screens, before putting them to bed at 7pm.

Some will call me an unstable mother, but I don’t think having two ways of doing things at home is a bad thing. It is the prelude to a life in our society with plural opinions. As soon as they integrate the new changes, it will seem normal for them to go from a day with the screen freezing at 8 am, to a day of going out with vegetables and going to bed with friends at 8 am. Because yes! Plus, you’ll have decided on a shared bedtime!

When the disagreement gets out of hand

Unfortunately, my advice can only work in a home where both parents demonstrate sufficient goodwill and do not, deep down, try to fulfill their own sinister plans. To do this, you must agree to question yourself, to stick together and to never contradict yourself in front of your children.

If, despite common sense, easily accessible official health recommendations, explanations and requests from one’s partner, one of the parents persists in implementing clearly discouraged/prohibited practices, I don’t know if we can speak of differences. I’d rather see it as strategic incompetence or, worse, hypothetical signs of domestic violence. A decent partner should prioritize family harmony over his own interest.

For those of good will, who nevertheless cannot reach an agreement, I can only encourage you to ask for help from a professional specialized in couples issues. Behind the rotten carrots of his beliefs also hides his past and everything that can explain why we cannot compromise on these issues.

With this horticultural metaphor, I leave you, I have to help my daughter make a swimming pool for her dolls. Today, at home, we can play with water.

The kiss,

Your Daronne