“He’s a good guy” is not a reason to stay in a relationship, and learning this has changed my life

March 23, 2017

A few days ago, I left my boyfriend.

I broke up with the lover who had taken up all the space in my heart for 5 1/2 years. I swore to myself that I would never do this, that things with him were so good that there was no way that one day I wouldn’t want us to be together anymore.

I broke up with a great guy… and it was tough

It must be said that the one who was my lover He’s a good guy, exceptional even. Definitely one of the people who meant the most in my life. He was there in great moments of change, in times of doubt, and in my sorrows.

My boyfriend, I loved him madly and I think I can say that too. It was really far from the cliche I expected when I was younger. It was so much better, cooler and real.

Yet, one morning, in bed, we told ourselves that it was over. I keep the apartment, he takes his things, the microwave and the vacuum cleaner. I keep his unicorn stuffed animal, he takes our board games. And what I considered the worst possibility occurred.

We broke up.

One Sunday morning, with still a little poop in the corners of our eyes and a lump in our throats, we decided to say goodbye to cuddly mornings, evenings of scratching, and our shared furniture.

Some leave crying and screaming. We didn’t break any plates, we didn’t blame ourselves, we just knew it was over, so we told ourselves.

Even with a good person, you may not be happy

So it seems easy like that. But not at all. Leaving someone you’ve loved so long and care so closely is likely the most adult and responsible thing I’ve done in my life.

Rarely are people advised to leave someone good.

When the idea crossed my mind in the last few months, this last year, I found the concept of breaking up completely unlikely. I forced myself to make efforts that made no sense, so did he.

We weren’t happy, but to leave each other? Impossible.

At that time we started fighting, making fun of each other for entire weekends, hurting each other and bringing out the worst in each other. We couldn’t stand each other anymore. We stopped being happy together.

It’s stupid, because that’s exactly what brought us together, what kept this story going for years.

The trigger that made me leave my relationship

When I realized we were going to break up, it was very complicated.

Yes because it was a very big step, a very big change, but also because I have enormous respect for the man who was my number one for so long.

How can we even think leave someone you love, hurt them? Disappoint my twenty-year-old self, so full of optimism and plans?

So I tried talking to him about it, to see what he thought. But he always said that he was tired, or that we were talking about other things, and the breakup was really seen as the worst thing that could happen for both of us.

I asked my best friend for advice, because in these cases it is always important to talk and get an outside opinion.

I blamed myself for not making him happy, for not knowing what to do, for being stuck. I felt guilty for this desire to escape which didn’t help me move forward at all.

In a restaurant, with another friend and a glass of wine, I explained my reasons.

But constantly, the reflex I had, that of not wanting to lose either my lover or my relationship, made me add “ BUT HE’S A GOOD BOY “, as if that were the only criterion for being with someone.

As if it was a favor he was doing me, and that I just had to oblige for it to be okay. FUCKING DISCOMFORT. STOP.

Deep down, what pissed me off was this lack of confidence and self-esteem that whispered inside me that I should already be happy that people were kind to me… and don’t ask too much, after all.

And then, my friend said this magical, simple, powerful phrase that completely changed my outlook on things.

“You have the right to leave a good guy. »

At the time I was too drunk to realize it (let me go, I like wine), but the next day I remembered it. AND It was very clear: we had to break up.

We’re breaking up because we both deserve the best

Marriage is complicated. It is often seen as a final goal, a perfect step to achieve in order to have the right to happinessonce you’re with someone you put a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything to maintain it.

And I understand! It’s normal to work on a relationship, it would be stupid to back out at the first obstacle… but it would be even stupider to stay when you know it’s over, that together we won’t go anywhere.

In fact, you have the right to break up with a nice guy. That doesn’t make you a heartless asshole. which doesn’t deserve it anyway “. Just like being in a relationship is not NECESSARILY the condition sine qua non be happy.

You have the right to leave a good guy and also… You MUST leave a great guy when nothing is going right and you are unhappy.

It is out of respect for him, for the affection I feel for him, for the love we have exchanged for years that I decided to end it.

At that time yes, you will feel like a waste, yes, it will be complicated and can make you dizzy. Yes, we will try to dissuade you, make you doubt your abilities to live alone at times. Personal fears will be projected onto your relationship.

But hey, surprise surprise, ultimately it’s up to you.

A great sage (just a guy I know in real life, okay, I have the right to be romantic) once said:

“If you did it, it was the right decision. »

• You have the right to be choosy with your love life and everything else.
• A priori, by separating, you do not annul the existence of the other, you do not sign a pact with your blood that prevents you from speaking to him again.
• It’s nice to be a good person but it’s NORMAL, you deserve to be treated decently and to be loved. Just like you deserve to love.
• Time passes very, very, VERY slowly when you are not happy. Would you stick your fingers in a door just for fear of damaging it because it’s cute?

We are always justified in leaving each other

It’s okay to feel sad. And you don’t have to blame yourself if you don’t feel sad! On the contrary, you REALLY made the right choice. You deserve to be yourself, to be happy and to choose what gives you all this.

Are you alone? Mazel tov Furthermore, you can redecorate your apartment yourself, adopt a pet, hang light garlands everywhere and other things you couldn’t do when there were two of you. (Okay, these are personal examples.)

A breakup is never easy. But the more you get stuck between two choices, the less you’ll be able to remember what made you so in love one day.

Only the crappy memories and frustration of the end will remain and if you really were with someone good, neither of you deserve this.

Spoiler: everything will be fine

You deserve the best and If your relationship no longer satisfies you, you have the legitimacy to separate.

I left as a good boy, I will never regret taking some time to decide because it was necessary to be sure of myself.

I will never regret this relationship because it is one of the best things that has happened to me and I have grown from it.

I left a good guy, I will stay alone and I will learn to always trust myself, to be demanding and… to know that I deserve it.

And you too.

Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema/Unsplash

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