Eva, 19 years old and asexual: “I find it a shame that friendship is considered inferior to romance”

• Name or nickname :Eva*
• Age : 19 years
• Place of life : I live in the countryside (with my parents), but I study in the city
• Romantic and/or sexual orientation : aromatic and asexual

How long have you been single?

I have always been single. I had a “lover” in kindergarten, but that doesn’t count, he was more of a friend. And looking back, I tell myself that I classified it as “in love”, because this is how society had taught me to see boys : like a “lover”. Thank you heteronormativity!

Then I had a few crushes, on girls and boys, but most of them were “only” aesthetic or admiring… It wasn’t not really romanticI presume…

How would you describe your single life?

Initially I believed that my choice of celibacy was due to my opinions (although today I know that, obviously, feminism and relationships are not incompatible, far from it). I said I didn’t need a male (pretty heteronormative view in hindsight)…

Then, as the years went by, I eventually discovered that I was aromantic and asexual (aroace for short). Everything then made sense: because I never wanted to go “further” with my crushes, because there were so few of them… It wasn’t immaturity, it was my identity.

I can’t say whether my celibacy is a choice or not, so I’d say it’s obvious.

I like this celibacy, this solitude that is not truly solitude. Because I’m learning to find love in other forms around me: friends, family, pets…

I think I’m happy as I am, or at least happier than if I had forced myself to “do like others”.

Read also: I am asexual and would like to be left alone

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

I wouldn’t say that being single impacts my friendship life, but rather that my friends’ married lives impact our friendships. I’m not saying that they prefer their relationship to friendship with me, but given that our whole life, it proves that friendship is less important than romance (which would be a step further than friendship), I sometimes have trouble feeling like I belong. The first time I felt like this was when my best friend met her first boyfriend: I felt so distant, so different from her; I felt like we had nothing left to share… One of my biggest fears is being aloneabandoned by my friends who will all have started families, while I will remain the “little girl”, the “spinster”…

As for my family life, I don’t think being single has much of an impact on it, other than the endless questions like “When will you bring us a boyfriend or girlfriend?” » If my family is not in heteronormativity, unfortunately it remains in amateuromativity (injunctive belief that it would be preferable and desirable to be in an exclusive relationship of romantic love, editor’s note), I think these two aspects of my life don’t interact too often.

However, I tell myself that, as the years go by, being single will have an increasing impact on my relationships with my family – and I hope with all my heart that I am wrong…

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

Sometimes I feel so alone… like everyone is going to end up having an affair and abandon me. As if everyone loves something that is impossible for me to love. As if I were excluded from this world where everything revolves around romance and sex.

Does being single allow you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

I think that being single, even though it can scare many people, is particularly beneficial due to the “loneliness” it entails (I put it in quotes, because being single does not rhyme with being alone). In my opinion, this solitude is beneficialin the sense that I realize myself alone, I learn to know myself for myself (and not with the future goal of forming a couple), which is – in my opinion – the most important thing, given that I am the person who will accompany me throughout the life!

Conversely, does being single stop you from doing things you might do if you were in a relationship?

Unfortunately, amateur-normativity is still too present in this society…

I am aware that single people unfortunately tend to be at a disadvantage compared to people in a relationship: we are perceived as immature, not very serious. The image of the “old girl” and the “Tanguy” is harsh! For example, I tell myself that if I ever wanted to have a child on my own later, it would be a real struggle…

Do you feel any pressure to “actively” look for a romantic partner?

Whether it’s movies, my family (the famous questions about boyfriends at family meals), my friends (“When you’re in a relationship,…” ; “I can see you with this type of boy/girl…” : all these phrases which, even if they don’t want to be bad, make me feel even more abnormal…), I feel like everything is pushing me to have a relationship.

I think it is an environmental amateur-normativity, which would tell us that to be happy we should fit into the norm, into this famous model of the nuclear family: a father, a mother, a boy and a girl. The problem, is that I will not stay in this stupid norm, not now, not ever ; and that makes me feel abnormal, relatable, immature, closed-minded, strange… To the point that I tend to tell myself that everything would be much easier if I weren’t arrogant.

I would add that I find it sad that today we cannot accept that a person, whether by choice or by sexual and romantic orientation, is single. That people form a couple, they get married “to be like everyone else”. That in films and novels celibacy is demonized to the point that the hero or heroine who, throughout the story, has never stopped being “anti-romantic”, ends up falling in love. That friendships are always considered inferior, as they are less important than the couple. I find it a shame.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

Since I still live with my parents, and therefore don’t have rent to pay, I think being single has a positive impact on my finances (no gifts, expensive restaurants, etc.)

But I think of my best friend who is thinking of getting an apartment with her boyfriend and who is very happy because it will cost less. If I ever wanted to get an apartment, and paid even less, I would have to struggle to find a roommate. I don’t think that’s right.

What are your plans for the future? Does being single impact these desires and projections?

I don’t really know where I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years, but if I’m sure of one thing it’s that I want to travel! Since it’s something I would like to do alone, with friends or family, I really don’t see what it would have to do with being single!

Do you have a story about being single to share?

At Christmas my uncle asked me: “And you then, do you have a lover? »I replied immediately: “No, and do you have one? »

It made everyone laugh – luckily my family isn’t LGBTphobic!

Thanks to Eva* for answering our questions!

* The name has been changed.

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