I saw my friend spanking her child, what should I do?

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to save a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I am the satisfied mother (most of the time) of two children aged 4 and 6. While we’re not big proponents of all positive precepts, my husband and I are adamantly against corporal punishment and old-fashioned education.

Recently, I started setting up playdates with a friend who has a three-year-old. We’ve seen each other before and I already knew it was a bit old school. But everyone has their own way, right? Only the last time we went out “as a family”, I witnessed a scene that made my stomach turn. His child was very excited, he was doing stupid things and, after several threats, he spanked him.

If I think that everyone has the right to raise their children as they want, in my opinion this is intolerable physical violence. I know these spankings are “rare” and this is a loving and successful mom in general but I also know that spankings are harmful and to say nothing is to “accept” and not help the child.

What to do ?

Giulia

Daronne’s answer

My little slide,

I must say that you ask me for a lot of glue, but this glue deserves to be asked for. As you say so well, everyone is free to raise their child as they wish. There’s a fine line between what’s really to be avoided and what the boomer’s opinion is. In the case of spanking, however, I think we can all agree that it’s not a matter of perspective. If only because all corporal punishment has been banned since 2019.

However, in France, information is difficult to disseminate. To tell you, I just came across an article published in 2023 in a very reputable magazine (and whose name doesn’t start with The “if). A well-known psychologist like OKLM magazine believes that an exceptionally leaving spanking does not matter. On the contrary, it allows the child to understand that we too, adults too, have limits that must not be exceeded.

I do not dispute this last point. I’ve freaked out with my kids a couple of times and believe me it wasn’t a good show. That said, none of these signature attacks by exhausted mothers have ever included corporal punishment or bullying. In my opinion there are tipping points that should never be crossed. Physical damage is one.

Unfortunately, many parents believe that abandoning physical violence means abandoning all educational solidity and seeing their home reduced to ashes by bullies in shorts (a 50s garment, perfectly suited to this mentality). I must say that public debate is in no hurry to disprove the myth. It’s even more fun to discuss age to assess the violence rate of enforced handwashing.

The interests of minors ALWAYS take precedence over convenience

On Reddit and other forums, people other than you have been wondering whether or not to cut ties with a spanked acquaintance. The unanimous answer is always: YES.

And I’ll tell you it kinda disgusts me. Ghosting the aggressor without the slightest complacency, it is true that he gives the impression of respecting his personal values. That said, the boy is still being scolded, his family is even more isolated than before.

I repeat to you profusely: acting correctly is even more unpleasant than a heat wave during the menstrual period. Do not think that, despite my posture as a moral mother, I would also like to look the other way when I witness a wrongful act. But, sorry, between our adult comfort and the safety of a minor in danger, it is systematically the safety of the minor that takes precedence (even if she hasn’t been a minor for a long time, for that matter, but that’s another matter). .

This is not good news for you. The conversation will be painful and objective, the risks that it will end in a definitive estrangement are far from nil, even if I will try to guide you as best I can. The next time you’re offered a group date, we agree you’ll think twice before accepting.

How to approach the topic?

Having discussed this with me, I know some would not hesitate to confront the mother on the spot. The presence of our children and hers on the scene has the merit of being clear and laying the foundations, but personally I would be afraid of making things worse. For example, that the mother stands up and isolates herself, or worse, that she is angry at her son for putting him in this situation. Because if people, even parents, listened to their brains rather than their guts, one would know.

Personally, first of all I invite you not to distance yourself from this mother and her son. Conversely, whether it’s just plain old school or dysfunctional, playful outings in a caring environment can only be good for the couple.

At the same time, invite her for an individual evening. If I believe my experience, when two mamoune find each other as adults, they always (BUT ALWAYS) end up evoking their life as mothers and abandoning themselves to their daily challenges. It’s time to slowly but surely move towards the topic of interest to us. You could start by confiding in some difficulties you encounter on a daily basis, related to the theme. By sharing your problems before discussing hers, you avoid the curious attitude of the perfect mother that we all wish we knew.

The idea, you will have understood, because I’m as thin as a 6-year-old who’s about to ask you something he knows he’s not entitled to, is to find an opportunity to approach the subject in a natural way. She is your friend, know her, enjoy her.

Once “I just want to take the opportunity to talk about something that made me feel uncomfortable,” your girlfriend will be mortified, upset, or annoyed. But what is important to her, fundamentally, is that we open up the discussion and that we can share our concerns. Your friend may refuse to broach the subject or question her practices. It is also possible that she, on the contrary, will take the opportunity to ask for your help and advice.

And after popping the abscess?

Once the abscess has burst, you have several options depending on your friend’s response. If she’s motivated to question herself, I’m counting on you to send her any resources that can help her (she and the co-parent, if there is one, there’s no reason). If not, the choice is yours. You can decide to save yourself and your children from this person. You may also decide to stay in touch to make sure things don’t get out of hand. If the relationship lends itself, you can also invite the little one to your home when you feel that the mother is particularly tense and she needs a few hours of break so as not to get distorted.

If you decide, or she decides, to terminate the link, you may still consider contacting her again in a few months, to see where she is. And of course, if in doubt, grab your handset (because I live in 1998) and dial 119.

I leave you, I go to my Kravmaga session,

bisette,

Your daronne