Manon, 29: “Being single is good for my mental health”

• First name : But it is not
• Age : 28 years
• Place of life : London (Great Britain)
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual

How long have you been single?

My last “serious” relationship ended in July 2020, so single for 3 years.

I’ve been in a dozen “serious” relationships (meaning exclusive romantic relationships where we considered ourselves a couple) between my 17 and 26 years. Most lasted a few months, and the longest (most recent) lasted a little over a year and a half. I remember, in my periods of celibacy, not wanting to be in a relationship, on the principle of being in a relationship, at all costs. But I’ve always had someone in mind, always in love or in love, and what I wanted with this person was to enter into an exclusive relationship, because it didn’t seem like there was any other option. Before my last relationship, in a relatively long period of celibacy, I remember feeling ready, longing for a relationship, “teaming up” with someone.

I lived for 6 months with my last boyfriend. This coexistence has caused a lot of frustration on my part. Not having our own space, having to constantly compromise on the organization of the apartment, on meals… Even the relationship itself was a source of frustration and anxiety, about the values ​​we didn’t share, about our sexuality. I don’t like the person I was with him, and finally talking about it with my friends, I realized the emotional void that was in this relationship. I have experienced our separation as a liberation, I have never regretted it, I have never looked back.

This coexistence has taken away my desire to live with a partner. At the end of this relationship, I didn’t want to be in a relationship again either. This is the case with most people, after a breakup, I guess you need a break, to come face to face with yourself. I imagined that the desire would return, as in the past, but three years later, still no desire to “team up”. Listening to the podcast The heart on the table when it came out, I had sparks in my brain. On the one hand new concepts and on the other a feeling of evidence. Victoire Tuaillon puts into words things that I’ve been feeling for a long time, but that I’ve never been able to think seriously, verbalize or materialize. It’s probably not just about this podcast, but other podcasts, readings, Instagram accounts, discussions (including how difficult it is to combine feminist values ​​and being in a romantic relationship with a cis man as a woman), but my view on romantic relationships changed forever.

Sure, I still love being in love, I love having a crush. But I no longer aspire to an exclusive romantic relationship. I don’t rule out the possibility, I might meet a person who would make me want to get into this relationship mode, but it’s no longer my desire by default. I see couples around me and they don’t make me want to. It has to be said that most heterosexual couples aren’t selling dreams. I know so many girls with crappy boyfriends that I feel stuck, not at all as happy as they could be, but in total denial or terrified of emptiness, of being alone.

Beautiful couples, healthy couples, where they push up, I find they are beautiful to look at, but still they don’t make me want to have that same thing for me. I say to myself, essentially, what is it for? It seems to me that the main reason people in this society get married is to have children.. In my case, I don’t want it (and even if I did at some point, it seems to me that I’d much rather have a child outside of a couple with a man, with all the compromises that would come with that). So really, I’m wondering why I would start a relationship.

How would you describe your uniqueness?

I love being single, I’m totally comfortable with this situation and, even more, I’m happy about it.

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

It has no negative impact. I would say it has a positive impact because I am probably more available to my friends than if I was in a relationship.

Does being single impact your morale every day?

I think it brings me a lot of joy, mental space and peace of mind. It’s great for my mental health.

Does being single allow you things that you couldn’t do as a couple?

If I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t meet all the people I currently know through apps, and I wouldn’t have the sex life I have (unless I’m in an open relationship, but even then I would definitely have a lot less time to spend with these people ). Celibacy gives me a lot of time, which I can dedicate to what I want, I don’t have to account to anyone. I think it makes me more available to my friends. It makes me more flexible, more open to spontaneous projects and last minute invitations. It allows me to have a space just for me (at the moment it’s my shared room, but soon a whole apartment). It allows me to live without having to make daily compromises.

Being single has allowed me to meet the friends I have in London today. We originally moved to London with my latest boyfriend. If being in pairs for this type of project helps to carry them out (together we are less afraid, we motivate each other, we share tasks and procedures…), once installed, it is easy to rely on what we have learned when we have someone by your side, you don’t have that drive of solitude that drives you to go out and meet people. It was only after our separation that I took matters into my own hands and made the connections that I have now.

Conversely, does being single prevent you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

I do not think so. I guess one of the advantages of having a partner is that you always have a +1 available for a whole range of activities (cultural outings, parties, travel, etc.). I have anyway the chance to enjoy my company and there are many things that I like to do alone, without waiting to find someone to accompany me.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

Yes of course, living in a city of 9 million inhabitants offers endless possibilities in terms of encounters. On the other hand, I think the number of possibilities and the anonymity provided by the size of the city influence how people treat their romantic encounters. But that’s another story!

Are you actively seeking a romantic relationship?

Yes and no. As I explained earlier, I’m not looking for a romantic relationship in the conventional sense. But I’m addicted to crushes and always look for the next one. I mostly date apps (once Tinder, now just Bumble and Hinge). I have many conversations there and I must have been on at least 200 dates since I was single.

The proportion of time I spend on conversations about apps and dates is cyclical. There are times when I spend a lot of time there, Let’s concatenate the dates (2-3 a week, or even more), and moments when my life is already full and satisfying in itself (like recently, with the purchase of an apartment, which takes up my time and mental space, and a work that I’m passionate about), so I use dates less to build excitement.

My roommate once told me that I was the only person he knew who liked the apps. It seems to me that the consensus is that apps are awful. I think when you’re looking for a relationship it’s hell. I don’t expect anything from my appointments, I think that’s the secret. At best, I make a good match, I spend a beautiful moment, which can lead to other beautiful moments. Worst case scenario, I discover a new bar, talk to someone who may be from the other side of the world, maybe those who have experienced incredible things, in any case those who have interesting things to tell, I always learn something. I’ve been lucky so far, I’ve never met anyone horrible, scary, or uncomfortable. Of course there are people who have hurt me, of course I have been ghosted many times. Over time I am learning not to take things personally, I know that whatever happens I will get over it.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

Compared to what I was able to have as a couple, my current sex life is much more fulfilling, more diverse, richer in experiences, more attentive to myself and much more exciting. I more or less continuously try to meet sexual partners.

Do you feel a form of injunction to have an affair?

I think there is a social injunction to having a relationship, it is what is perceived as normal in the society I live in, it transpires in the images that surround us and in cultural productions. But I personally don’t feel any direct injunctions (which could come from my family, my friends or my colleagues).

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

I guess it has an impact in the sense that if I was in a relationship, I might go out less and (unless I was in an open relationship) spend nothing on dating, so my spending results would likely be much less substantial.

I know that for some women, marriage is financially necessary. I am fortunate to be completely independent in this respect and to earn enough to live comfortably. Naturally, living with a partner would reduce my rent budget (not insignificant in London). But the gain in sanity is worth the extra expense.. In short, being single doesn’t force me to think differently about my spending or to tighten my belt.

Do you have a dating budget?

I don’t usually budget for anything, but I’d be curious to calculate how much I’ve spent on dating over the past few years! The answer would surely be scary.

What are your plans for the future?

Keep living my best life! None of my projects depends on the possible meeting with a prince charming which would be the necessary condition to carry out a whole series of projects. But I think they are all compatible with the possibility of the arrival of a person who I want to leave more space in my life. Although, as I said, I can’t imagine living with a partner.

Do you have an anecdote about being single to share?

Right now, when people ask me if I have a lover, my favorite answer is “Several!” »

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