My best friends went on vacation without me, I found out by accident!

La Daronne answers your questions trying not to be too out of place.

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice covered in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to rescue a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I moved to my city two years ago for my studies. I didn’t know anyone, but I quickly made friends with other students. We quickly became very close and I thought I’d found THE bunch, you know, the playoffs. For two years we did everything together, the party, the revisions, the releases…

I just learned that they went on holiday for a few days to the beach, not only was I not invited, but they never mentioned it in front of me. I found out on social networks. They didn’t introduce themselves but a comment under a photo warned me and on my way back I found photos posted by an acquaintance they must have met there.

I fell from the clouds. Since I was super mean, I messaged a few members of the group. Only one replied to tell me we’d talk about it when they got back. I haven’t had any news since. I watch the movie over and over: what could I have done wrong? My studies are over, I thought of staying in this city to be with them, but I think I’ll look for a job elsewhere…

Why are people so mean?

Gwendolyn

My little strawberry,

I want to give you a big hug. Society plagues us with heartaches, but in my experience, friendly heartaches are just as painful. And unfortunately much more common, a matter of statistics. We will probably have many more friends in our life than romantic relationships (if not, I don’t judge), and whoever says more people means more risks. Am I saying we absolutely have to give up human contact for all of this? NO.

On the other hand, I recommend that you appreciate your television series for what they are: television series.

A group of Friends à la Friends: cool, really?

I swear Friends boundless passion. I think without this sitcom I wouldn’t be the Daronne I am today. I also welcomed with open arms HIMYM AND TBBT (if you don’t know these acronyms, so much the worse for you) and always feel as much pleasure in following the verbal jousts of these well-spoken friends.

But let’s be serious for a minute. These characters spend ALL THEIR TIME together. They are never alone. They have no private life and their every action is dissected by a sarcastic mob. Yes, perfectly, these series are not about friendship, but about harassment.

This permanent closeness also requires absolutely concrete human qualities. I’ll give you an example: I have longtime friends. I love them and I’m sure that feeling is shared. I also have painful flaws. I know very well that if these people dear to my heart had to bear me 24 hours a day, they would end up abandoning me in the middle of a forest, praying hard that I will never find my way home. And mutually. I’m not 20 anymore, I know that doesn’t mean I’m not lovable, or even that my relationships aren’t sincere. Only this concept of a group united forever seems to ignore a fundamental element of our human condition: we are often too painful to be bearable in large doses.

Face the truth head on

I know you want me to reassure you that you haven’t done anything wrong and that your friends are just dirty bastards. The truth is, I don’t know. I wasn’t there, even if I wanted to. Spending my year celebrating would have been so much more fun than spending it feeding ungrateful children.

Sorry, I digress, but then, given your friend’s response, I can’t even consider good explanations that don’t question your friendship. The most likely option is the most painful. However, I can only encourage you to ask for clarification. Misunderstanding, isolated event, discomfort of which you are not aware, it is important to understand the reasons for this refusal even if it stings the muzzle.

Equipped with all the elements, you’ll be able to move forward, even if it means questioning (or not, hey) some of your behaviors. Who knows, you might even save the furniture with some of this group? Of course, this possibility is only valid if they themselves undertake to demonstrate the purest transparency in the future.

Towards a bright and friendly future (what a beautiful caption)

Whatever the reasons that may have justified this refusal, the way of doing is inadmissible. But it is also very ordinary. In theory, no one should ever do this. Basically, we all choose the option: ” Come on, let’s run away hoping it goes unnoticed.

How is it possible that a species like ours, which is so in need of contact, still hasn’t found a way to behave with respect and integrity after more than 20,000 years of existence? Mystery. In the meantime, I would like to insist on a crucial point: what has just happened does not question your value as a person.

Everyone, even the most wonderful among us, has been faced with similar situations. They are often isolated and content to point out another classic abomination of social relations: not only do the people with whom one matches not run around the streets, but even when we meet them, nothing tells us that they will necessarily share our tender feelings. Don’t give up though, devoted and reliable friends are waiting for you somewhere.

I wonder if there were no warning signs. Not necessarily towards you, but for example: Did this group have a habit of criticizing absentees? Have you noticed disrespectful behavior towards other classmates?

Take the time to heal and learn to trust again, even if it means getting help. You may realize that this group was not that cool, nor welded and that the micro-aggressions were legion. We often hide the lowliness of our loved ones, convinced that we are safe. But as the proverb I just made up goes: against toads, all doves may one day become pigeons.

Your view of friendship will probably change, and that’s good. By favoring individual relationships, flitting from one group to another like an amateur, until everyone finds something to their liking, anything is possible.

I kiss you very strong, a bisette is not enough,

Your Daronne

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