Can we discuss our children’s sleep between parents, without trying?

Many young parents count the hours of night sleep on the fingers of one hand, interspersed with different awakenings of the offspring. The accumulated fatigue of sleep deprivation adversely affects all areas of life, and the longer it lasts, the more tense one becomes. Can we, then, listen to other parents who rejoice in their child’s good nights, without wanting to feed him a dirty diaper?

A hot topic for young parents

Why is baby sleep so stressful?

” Lack of sleep is torture, literally.. Suffering inevitably makes you tense! explains Manon Berteraut, 0-5 year sleep consultant (@premierecouche on Instagram). ” And it’s a vicious circle, tiredness brings impatience, lack of discernment, lack of empathy and hindsight, anger, tiredness, more or less obscure ideas, etc. So when you’ve only slept in 45-minute increments for 3 years and read that another parent is tired because their 2-month-old woke up for about 20 minutes last night, that’s something to laugh about. »

Should we, despite all this, make a gradation of bad luck, in this universe of nights divided? “In itself, every parent is legitimate in his effort, a child is not just the nights. But to realize this, you need to rediscover your discernment, your ability to step back and your empathy. And that, when you lack sleep, is impossible. »

Parents for whom the topic is to be avoided, even after many years

For Sarah, the subject of sleep is a delicate one, and even if her son sleeps better today, “It remains a trigger. But it’s brittle, one bad night and I’m very sensitive again. With my best friend, for example, we can talk about everything except our children’s sleep, because her daughter slept very well, she knows how to avoid the subject. » So choose who to talk to, ” and even with parents who have children who do not sleep, it often turns into a ” who is the worst “So I prefer not to talk about it”.

Laure also chooses never to broach the subject herself, as he cares for her:

” If someone tells me about a child who sleeps well, I keep silent. I speak sincerely only if I meet people in difficulty and stressed, to reassure them and show them that they are not alone. I know it can be nice to be thankful for what you are going through. »

For Anne, who has been sleeping well for some years, the argument remains just as painful: ” I don’t know what I needed to hear, because until you see it, you can’t understand. let me say” it passes, everything passes it wasn’t comforting at all, what we wish we knew is when it would pass! “Today, he still sees this as a failure,” the fact of having a son who did not sleep partly conditioned the fact of not having a second one”.

Lucie had the impression of having an abnormal child, because all the other children around her had always slept well:

“It was difficult to talk about it. And what annoyed me the most were comments like “I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t have like you have a choice… Or the injunctions,” A child sleeps alone in his room », « Do not sleep with the baby, he gives him bad habits when sleeping with my son was the only way to get some sleep. I always get a twinge of jealousy when I hear about a baby sleeping well. “.

And others who manage to rejoice

For Laetitia, who hasn’t had short nights for a few years now, rejoicing when other people’s children sleep well is no longer a difficulty. ” I am sincerely happy for them, I know how difficult it can be to be so good for those with whom it is easy ! Even when my kids woke up in the night, the subject wasn’t too touchy. I just avoided people, often of a certain age, who would come and tell me how abnormal it was for my 2 month old to still breastfeed at night. »

Léna is also happy for parents of children who sleep well. And for her part, she avoids broaching the subject with parents of poor sleepers. ” Most importantly, I try not to complain about my bad nights to people who experience it on a daily basis.. I feel comfortable talking about it with parents who generally have good evenings like we do. On the other hand, I feel a little uncomfortable when parents use bizarre excuses for their good nights, for example “he sleeps well because he is not breastfed“. »

Although she still struggles with sometimes restless and short nights, Cécile is not traumatized by them and does not feel jealous of the other parents. ” I talk about it without problems with anyone. When a parent tells me about their child sleeping well, I just think it’s nice to see that it exists., which is not a myth, but because I know full well that this parent is just lucky. It’s the lottery. I simply wish I had compassion in the face of rotten nights when I talk about it, understanding, and not advice above all. »

Clémence also feels able to talk about sleep to everyone, provided that the topic is not taken lightly, and that parents of good sleepers are aware of their good fortune:

” I’m also happy for them, because it always serves to make parenting easier ! I’ve always thought it was normal for little ones to sleep badly, and suddenly it’s rather the good sleepers who seem out of the ordinary to me. And since it largely depends on the child, I have no worries, as long as the parent doesn’t try to take credit for the good sleep. »

So how do you facilitate sleep discussions?

When your child sleeps well, should you keep this information to yourself? Manon Berteraut is not of this opinion, ” But there are ways to talk about it and, above all, we choose who to talk to. With friends, we can first ask if the topic is sensitive. I know that for some, these precautions are too much, but when you know that sleep deprivation can cause PTSD, it makes you think. »

And when your child sleeps badly, you also have to select who to approach this delicate topic with. ” By telling everyone about it, it is easy to receive unsolicited advice, feelings of guilt or, conversely, to cause resentment in those who think they are living worse. But it is important to find someone Safe Who do I have to talk tobecause this suffering is enormous and you don’t have to keep it to yourself”, adds the sleep consultant.

And for everyone, a step back and a good dose of kindness. ” We need to stop thinking that we’ve seen it all, lived it all, because we’ve had one, two, three, X children. What works for one person may not necessarily work for another.. On the other hand, we can listen, support if we feel capable of doing so, or simply sympathize, sometimes that’s all the suffering person asks for. But the only way to stop being jealous is to improve your child’s sleep. »

For the mothers interviewed, recognition, support, compassion, empathy, and understanding were also high on the list of expected and desired reactions to their difficulties. “We can also complain together, just to see that we are not the only ones in this mess, or even exchange tips and ideas for things to test. I like to have the impression of acting, even if it is often useless,” adds Laetitia.

We can therefore talk about our children’s sleep – whether they sleep well or not – but not with everyone!

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