Tinat, 40: “It is difficult to find a regular sexual partner”

• First name : Tinat*
• Age : 40 years
• Single since then : February 2019
• Romantic and sexual orientation : heterosexual
• Place of life : a leafy suburban town in Île-de-France

How long have you been single?

I would say yes always been single. This was interrupted by a period of 5 years as a monogamous couple and 3 years as a non-monogamous couple.

How would you describe your relationship with being single?

During my twenties, I lived celibacy as a painful experience. From the age of 20 to 25, I lived the experience of a monogamous couple. At the age of thirty I experienced celibacy as an elected state, even if I had some moments of doubt.

Now that I’m 40 I assume my choice a lot more. My single life suits me perfectly. Furthermore, I don’t want to give birthand it’s also a decision that I can make more and more easily, without needing to justify myself.

Does being single impact your daily morale?

daily no. As a cis woman and not on hormone treatment, depending on my cycle I can more or less have moments of low morale and/or desire to share my daily life. These moments remain very fleeting and I’ve learned to recognize the link to the phases of my cycle.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Oh yes, absolutely. I can manage my financial independence, career choices and/or travel as I wish. But also my emotional stability, maintaining the tidy (or not) state of my apartment, my body choices, the intensity and pace of the activities I do.

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

I don’t know if you can call it the pursuit of a romantic relationship, but I’ve been back to OK Cupid since the fall. For me it’s the safest, the people who are there are often interesting. I’ve had an interesting encounter there since November 2022, which translates into regular sex. He is a man a year older than me, very calm and very nice. Sexually, he’s great. I don’t know yet if this relationship will evolve.

I went through several stages with respect to meetings. First, an exploration phase in my early thirties: I was testing different apps and dating several times a week. Then I got bored and stopped everything. Here, I’m going back to it slowly, sparinglywith the idea of ​​meeting beautiful people to share good times and create memories.

“I reject sexual plans because it raises the question of my sexual safety”

Find a regular sexual partner today it’s my main app presence engine. But it’s hard to find. I find people disagree with themselves and I find it hard to imagine one off relationships. On dating sites, people often write “I want a hookup”, or “I want a serious relationship”, or “I want a continued relationship”. But between what they write, what they expect, and what they’re looking for, I always get the impression that there’s a discrepancy, at least in the realm of heterosexual relationships. Men don’t do what they think and they don’t do what they say, and it’s very disturbing. There, the weather is getting nice again, so I get messages from people I haven’t heard from in months, even years, who think they might have a sex date with me, but at their own pace. For example, there is a man I have known for 7 years, we have slept together 3 times. It doesn’t make sense to me to have that kind of rhythm.

The other constraint that I imposed on myself is that I refuse sexual plans, because it raises the question of my sexual safety. Even if you wear a condom for penetration, oral sex is risky. How to handle this in the context of an unattended relationship with strangers?

As for the relationship with the person I met in November – which is still very satisfying – I see her about once a week. It’s a rhythm that suits me, even if I would like a lot more.

Do you have a dating budget?

Not exactly. But I recently invested in a sexy little dress which I otherwise would not have bought.

Do you feel a form of injunction to have an affair?

Not exactly. From time to time, especially when I want to book a trip or when I’m at a party where it’s just couples talking about their meeting and I don’t have anything to say on the subject… But it’s very anecdotal indeed. I could feel that pressure at one point, but I’m much calmer about it now.

What are your plans for the future?

I have travel plans and professional plans. The only impact of being single is that I mostly choose my travel destinations looking for safe destinations for single women.

Thanks to Tinat* for answering our questions!

*Name has been changed.