What is sexual debt and how do you get rid of this life-ruining feeling?

This is the classic scenario : you met him at a party, you were having fun and, in the end, he offered to drive you home. You really didn’t want to commit to anything tonightbut he insists and you end up accepting, because it’s late anyway, and you’re not against coming back accompanied.

Arrived at the bottom of your housewants to go upstairs for one last drink. You don’t want it eitherbut then he took a detour again for you, you owe himthat last drink. You go up, he kisses you, unbutton the pants. Here, too, you would like to say no, but you don’t dare: you don’t want to come off as a joke. And then, you remember, he took another detour for you.

This is the feeling of sexual debt : Feeling indebted to any sexual activity under the pretext of having received a service or a gift. This phenomenon, although obviously not new, is increasingly cited and taken into consideration by professionals working around female sexuality, as in the case of Léa Seguin, a sexologist at the University of Quebec in Montreal:

“From #Metoo, we start talking about female sexuality, pleasure and consent. The notion of sexual debt is not a very widespread term, even if we understand directly what it refers to, as well as its problematic nature with respect to the idea of ​​consent.

A sexual script well anchored in our romantic relationships

But then, why sometimes we feel obligated to offer someone sexual activity, And in what situations does this phenomenon occur?

According to Consentis, a Parisian association which fights against sexist and sexual violence in the festive environment, and which works in particular on the notion of consent, the feeling of sexual debt concerns us alland it largely comes to us from the sexual scripts we are exposed to from our early childhood.

They are transmitted throughout our life through cultural media such as films, series or even books, explains Domitille Raveau, co-founder of the association:

“We have been shown time and time again how people, especially in heterosexual relationships, flirt with each other, touch, make love, etc. All these programmed scenarios have settled in our heads and now we follow them without even realizing it . One of the most eloquent examples takes place more often in party environments, where offering drinks is synonymous with flirting. And if we accept a free drink, we immediately imagine that we will have to go through all the next stages: the conversation, the kiss, then the intercourse when it goes even further.This phenomenon can also occur if you sleep in the same bed as another person, which is also synonymous for many people with sexual intercourse.

If, as we have seen, the feeling of sexual debt can arise at any moment in trivial situations such as an evening at the bar, it can also be felt in even more common situations, such as everyday life as a couple.

Indeed, it is possible to experience a feeling of sexual debt towards one’s spouse even if you don’t feel like engaging in any sexual activity. And this, both to please himboth whywe think we absolutely have to make love to preserve the health of our couple.

In this case, it’s more than one social injunction, but who is it anyway still very anchored todaycontinues the Canadian sexologist:

“There’s this idea in couples that sexuality is acquired, which is something you owe to your spouse, because a couple that works is a couple that makes love quite often. However, sexuality is an exchange between two people, and a healthy functioning couple is one in which each is free to express his wishes or non wishes as he wishes. But there is also the widespread idea according to which, in the case of heterosexual couples, men have more libido than women, and that the latter owe sex to their spouse to satisfy a natural need intrinsically linked to men, and even when they I do not want”.

A very sexual phenomenon

As we can perceive in Léa Seguin’s explanations, the issue of sexual debt, although it may concern all individuals, is a quite a generic phenomenon. Whether it’s in a holiday setting, a dating setting, or even within a couple, gender is very importantsince it bases the functioning of the couple on well-defined roles, adds the researcher:

“Sex scripts and the accompanying feeling of sexual debt pertain more to heterosexual relationships and affect women more. Indeed, in the gender scripts that we have all internalized, in a heteronormative love relationship, it is the man who proposes, who takes the first step, and it is the woman who accepts the invitation or refuses it. . And it is precisely this passivity that makes women more likely to find themselves in situations where they think they have to say yes in order to satisfy the other’s request.

It should also be noted that these gender roles can also be found in homosexual couplesbecause, if the heterosexual script is the collection script is the majority, it impacts everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Working on consent, the key to preventing problematic situations

If the phenomenon of sexual debt is closely linked to the notion of consent, it will be understood, it is because he does not take into account the notion of envy, nor that of desire, even less that of pleasure. This is why Consentis had quickly identified this phenomenon at the time of its creation, precisely because it is in contrast with the association’s definition of consent, recalls Domitille Raveau:

“At Consentis we define consent as enthusiastic, free and informed. For us, consent must also be reversible. However, it is impossible to properly consent to engage in sexual activity when following a dating script established by our patriarchal society rather than your own desires. And it is by reflecting on all these questions that we have managed to identify the feeling of sexual debt, which poses a real problem when we ask for a more just, egalitarian and inclusive society”.

Like then get rid of that feeling of debt inscribed deeply in us so that we can finally give free consent ? For Domitille it is above all a matter of reinventing, together, the sexual scripts that govern our unconscious to integrate consent.

Unless you’re totally comfortable expressing your wishes in any situation. A project that Léa Seguin considers very ambitious in view of the foundations of a society in which women are not masters of their own sexuality :

“The problem with all these questions is this women’s sexuality does not belong to them. It belongs to men, who have even managed to make us wear their glasses, those of the male gaze. So, we are not in the reflection of “what do I want? but rather “what should I do?” “. And until we settle this matter, the phenomenon of sexual debt, or even the issue of consent, will still not be resolved”