Lucile, 20 years old: “My ex remained my roommate and my best friend”

• First name : Lucile*
• Age : 20 years
• Single since then : 4 months
• Romantic and sexual orientation : Straight

How long have you been single?

I am single for 4 months and I go out of a relationship of more than 3 years. It was my very first relationship and I have endless love for this person. Before that, I felt like I had been living aimlessly. From the moment I met him and throughout our relationship, I really blossomed, enjoyed every moment. For me the vision of the couple has now become a parallel with the fact of knowing a soul mate, of living fully. I was afraid that being single would break all of that, but it didn’t, because it’s a different kind of love. This meeting helped me to love myself as I am today.

We have been together for over 3 years. More than a couple, we felt like 2 kindred spirits. I’ve never bonded with anyone as strong as him. Thus, when the question of separation arose several times, in the end we talked about it as if it were not one thing. In our discussions, we were talking about the fact that most couples who break up hate each other and don’t want to keep in touch, and we were discussing the fact that when you’ve loved someone so much, how can you never want to see them again, overnight? We always said we’d stay friends with each other — more than that, best friends — and if we stayed in touch, it wouldn’t end up being a breakup, but simply a change of love that takes place and that we don’t need to put ourselves in boxes that establish that we are no longer a couple, but friends. We wanted to see beyond this pattern. We also felt very comfortable continuing to live together. We always talked a lot about the consequences, knowing that one or the other could find someone. We also enjoyed helping each other find new people on a dating site. We are a family, me and him.

What is your relationship with being single?

It really goes through different phases: at the same time it motivates me to take time for myself, to focus on my studies and my passion, to make me beautiful for mebut i also have low self-confidence, questions and I’m also much more sensitive to things I find beautiful or sad.

I developed a lot of my general knowledge, as well as my passions and hobbies with my ex boyfriend. It really helped build me entirely which has the consequence that today most of the music, places, movies I know, people I associate with remind me of a past memory, so I see “a rather sweet nostalgic look at things that I find beautiful and that can bring me sadness.

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

No, it doesn’t change anything. We’ve remained best friends me and him so I always talk a lot about him and my friends know him very well, everyone loves him, he’s really an incredible person.

Do you feel that being single affects your morale on a daily basis?

On a daily basis, I’d say that since I’m single, I get ready more in the morning, that I want to look good. On the other hand, at the slightest drop in morale, I really see everything negatively and this encroaches on my self-esteem.

I don’t feel lonely because we still live together with my ex and get along great. From that point of view, it’s great. But sometimes it also makes me realize that if we get separate apartments, I’ll be drained of a part of me. I realize that I am totally dependent on this person.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Not necessarily, I don’t have the impression of living differently. Maybe compared to the clothes I’m going to buy I let myself go more, because before I could have had in mind the “ah, but will he like it? “. But otherwise, I’ve never limited myself as a couple, so that doesn’t change today!

It hasn’t been long since I managed to find a style in which I feel beautiful, confident, comfortable. I also listened a lot to the advice of my ex boyfriend who has really good taste (in my opinion) and who was able to help me find the clothes that really flatter me. For a long time, I’ve had trouble dressing well, which means I’ve been very hesitant about my tastes for a long time. Today I can splurge knowing I will be comfortable and love the result.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Since I live with the person I was in a relationship with, and we still have a great relationship, We still allow ourselves many things, but as friends. It’s really funny. Even for a hug or something, why hold back when you just want to express to the other that you care about him? I feel really lucky to know a person who has the same vision as me and with whom I live peacefully.

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

I thought so, but in the end no. I set up Tinder to talk and meet new people, but as soon as we had a good chat and they offered to see us, I freaked out and blocked them. I’m not ready, it’s too early for me.

I have since uninstalled the app. But when we were chatting, I would quickly ask them to go through Instagram, because chatting on the app really gave me the impression that we were there to fish and I didn’t like that. Also, I share a lot on Instagram, so I figured if they really wanted to get to know me, it would be better there. It’s strange, but I always replied to messages when I was in the bathroom! I was a little ashamed to talk to them. I was also muting them because, In my opinion, I should first focus on the people I see every day who are my friends, not complete strangers.

How would you describe your relationship with meetings?

It’s very difficult, I’m extremely stressed. I’m sociable: when I’m in class I have no problem talking to people, but when a group of people invite me to a party, I have a lot of trouble knowing how to get out of my cocoon, my house with my best friend and my kitty.

Do you feel a form of pressure to “actively” seek out a partner?

Yeah, to be honest, I feel like I don’t want to look it up, but at the same time, I really want to stumble upon it. I just tell myself if I wait too long, it will be too late when I’m actually super young.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

Yes terribly. I have already found that when I was in a relationship I had a fairly high libido but now I really feel the need to have sex with someone. The problem is, I can’t imagine doing it with anyone else. I’ve already asked advice from many friends who are coming to it, but I feel that I will never be able to do like them.

What are your plans for the future? Does celibacy have an impact on these desires and projections?

I want to have a great apartment in Brussels, live with a kitten, draw all the time, discover great games and movies. And yes, why not, share all of this with someone. But I don’t set goals. For once, I want to dream alone.

Do you have a celibacy anecdote to share?

It’s very contradictory, but just by answering this questionnaire, I tell myself that I’m making a big deal out of my celibacy, when I already have all the people I need in my life. I don’t know why love and relationships are still valued so much, because one should first feel good about oneself. And at the same time, the next minute, I just want to have a hug and have a date with someone to feel butterflies in my stomach.

Thanks to Lucile* for answering our questions!

The name has been changed.