How to survive the terrible two? Spoiler: it’s impossible

Nature is quite strange, especially when it shapes children. Night exhaust crying? It’s normal. Colic that lasts three months straight and adds daytime howling to evening crying? It’s normal. Sleep regression? Again, this is normal. Separation anxiety? Same. AGAINSTit is quite contradictory: we should guarantee the survival of our offspring at all costs, while mother nature does everything because we dream of throwing them out the window.

I thought I passed all the tests mentioned above with kindness and brilliance, but in recent weeks my two-year-old has gone through a new phase that may finally get the better of my nerves. I called the terrible twoor as I renamed it: the Phase of megalomaniac and tyrannical infantile delirium.

The opposition phase, also called the “terrible twos”

I lost my baby. His shell is still there, but he has now been squatted by a very angry poltergeist who is asking me to do his bidding. I take advantage of the fact that my “son” for once is busy torturing his parent to hide in the toilet and invoke the internet in search of solutions to channel the kid.

According to experts: ” The two-year-old discovers his individuality and with it the ability to make decisions, even if this new ability conflicts with his brain immaturity” . Ah ok, but how does it work?

As I’m about to click on a promising link titled: ” How to deal with my two year old’s opposition phase ? enraged blows rain down suddenly from the other side of the partition. “– MOMANNN NO NO! NO WC! NO NO NO! ». The heir didn’t like me leaving him for a few minutes.

Through the wall that separates us, I explain to him that sometimes I have to go to the bathroom since I don’t wear diapers. This last word provokes the boy’s ire, because it is part of the black list of terms not to be pronounced under any circumstances, in the same way as Dodo OR bath. “- NAAAAN NAAAN NAAAN DON’T LEAVE HIM! NOT LAYER! NANNN NAAAN! ».

Too bad, I’ll never know how to handle the child’s opposition phase since I have to go out urgently before he picks the lock.

I never thought a banana could spark so many passions

If my child has a strong character, he is also a curious and lively child, always ready to make new experiences, especially culinary ones. In addition, he is currently rummaging through the trash looking for a suitable snack. He opts for carrot peels which he licks with enthusiasm. jI don’t want to stifle her culinary creativity, but with inflation I don’t spend a salary on fresh fruit to let it rot.

I grab a banana and approach slowly so as not to make my son suspicious. Too late she saw me and since she knows very well that I am the kind of mother who prefers to impose a real snack on her children rather than letting them rummage through the garbage cans, she immediately yells: ” – NO ! FOR ME ! » . With fists clenched on his butt, he ran away convinced his 8 inches of plump legs will allow him to escape the adults.

“- NO NO TO ME! » I try to reassure him: I’m not going to steal his carrot peels. I just suggest that he accompany his tasty meal with a fresh banana. The boy stares at the fruit I’m holding, he looks so angry it feels like he just told him it’s nap time.

“- NO NO NO! » In case you don’t understand the meaning of that word, he stomped aggressively, just his balance wasn’t optimal and he fell to the floor. Now she is rolling on the ground, in the husks, repeating “- NO NO NO! »

My husband, alerted by the noise, introduces himself and advises the child:

“You didn’t want him to put the remote in the dishwasher?

– No, I offered him a banana.

– Oh shit. Are you also looking for…

Helplessness of parents VS crazy children

At our feet, the baby is still screaming – NO ! NO ! NO ! “. Eventually he gets up and realizes I’m still holding the tanned fruit.” – NOOOOO! he roared, he had to hit him with all his might: “- NOT BANANA! NOT BANANA! “.

Since that’s the case, I decide to eat this damned banana but: “-NO MOMMY NOOOON NOOOON ME BANANA! »

My daughter arrives, moaning, with all this noise, she doesn’t hear the cartoons. The little brother quickly explains the situation to him: “- BANANAS FOR ME, NOT BANANAS! ». My daughter nods knowingly, snatches the cursed food out of my hands and cuts it in half. He stuffs half into his beak before throwing the other to his brother, like you’d feed a pet monkey at the zoo. The brother laughs and gratifies the older one with a SIGN! Before following her into the living room.

Selfishly, I am sorry that this child’s interests are limited to eating, hitting his sister with it and running after the cat while it sings “- MEOW MEOW ». With his unwavering vehemence, he could have been used to discourage the government from passing pension reform. Faced with his crazy and wild behavior as a boy who never has anything to lose, a terrified Macron and Borne would have given up, that’s for sure.