Help! My loved ones take me for their shrink, I can’t take their stories anymore!!!

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice covered in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to rescue a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I’m quite shy and introverted, but I have a good sense of listening. The problem is that inevitably my relatives, and even those less close, ended up taking me by the ear. My brothers, my friends, my colleagues, all spend their time entrusting me with their problems. I’m the girlfriend we call at 10pm because we had an argument with her boyfriend (while I was watching a quiet series), the colleague to whom we leave the whole team (I don’t even answer, I hate gossip), the sister who has to arbitrate conflicts. I am tired. I feel like no one assumes that I too might have something to say. And most of all, I’m sick of the whining. I already have my own stress, I’m tired of taking on other people’s stress.

How can I reframe my surroundings?

Adele

Daronne’s answer

My little sonotone,

In life there are those who speak and those who listen. At present, I assure you, those who talk are faring much better off than those who listen. But after the fact, who can become world ruler thanks to years of accumulated secrets and national defense secrets of classified information? You see, both perspectives have advantages.

Afterwards, it’s true that if you don’t share my dark intentions, the fact of collecting each other’s complaints can prove not only painful, but also very anxious. By dint of hearing only bad news, you’d end up believing that the world is made up only of cheating partners, noisy neighbors, abusive bosses and french fries.

So how do you deal with this problem effectively and bring conversational balance back into your life?

Why do people tell you about their problems?

Yes, I would like to make a positive point: it’s still nice to see that you inspire confidence in your peers. Maybe it’s not great for you at first glance, but I swear it’s still very reassuring to know that there are people on this planet who make you feel comfortable enough to let go. But no, I’m not making you feel guilty, even the good guys have the right to be left alone! We can be there for others without sacrificing ourselves on the altar of friendship. Having a good heart doesn’t mean you have to accept everything, and accepting everything doesn’t mean you have a good heart either. For example, if you hear the confidences of a girl hoping for a hit and then complain on a forum for Incel, you’re not a good guy, you’re just a bolos (do we still say that these days?). As you see, the goodness of people is not limited to the amount of mental space they give to others.

The problem is that even if we would like things to change, by dint of not setting limits, people have ended up adopting habits that they have no reason to question. It’s so comfortable to have a free listening ear, why would you want your loved ones to even consider giving it up on their own even if you’ve never made it clear that you’re sick of being used as a money pot? ? Well, that’s it, they won’t stop as long as you continue to assume the role of confidant without complaining.

How to set your limits?

People who dare not assert themselves often think that setting limits necessarily means saying terribly offensive words and declaring atomic war. Fortunately that is not the case, imagine. Everyone would be overwhelmed and it would be very unfortunate as we humans need to live in groups to be able to defend ourselves from times when a prehistoric tiger attacks us by surprise.

The trick to being understood in the utmost calm is to balance relationships subtly, but surely. For this, you can use several techniques, some more daring than others:

Consult a psychologist. Your short message does not allow me to draw any particular conclusions about your mental health. That said, like all human beings wandering around this planet dragging pots and pans without knowing where to put them, I assume that logically this is your case too. So a mom to please? A dad who didn’t give you space to express yourself? A cousin who told you on your fifth birthday that you had poop in your mouth? I don’t know, but a professional can help you see things more clearly and suggest some possible answers.

They allow you not to react immediately to virtual communications. When that damned devil’s smartphone starts beeping, a fatal attraction is set in motion. Suddenly, you realize that you have just read the message and that your correspondent knows it thanks to the most powerful bone of contention of our age: the seen symbol. You answer, you are polite. The other engages and since you can’t leave such a conversation, you are trapped. The great evils, the great remedies: the silent phone, the settings of your answering machine set so that we no longer see your last connection hours or the confirmation of your reading. This will already allow you to check your moments of availability.

Set boundaries without blaming the other. In the end, you and I are more alike than you think. Who better than me can recommend a confidant companion of humanity? So I’m only going to share with you guaranteed little sentences of non-violent communication to kindly dismiss the relous:

” – I’m sorry you’re going through all this, I have a lot of worries right now, I can’t listen to you well, instead I’d like to see a movie to relax together! »

“- I understand, this situation seems complicated, but the best thing is that you talk about it with the first person concerned.. Discussing this topic without really knowing what it is will stress you more. What if we watched a series instead to clear our heads? »

“- I understand your frustration and I’m sorry this is so difficult but XX is also my brother/friend and I’d rather not get involved and say the same to him! On the other hand, if you need to clear your head, I know a great series that you will love! »

The important thing when setting boundaries gently is to validate your feeling opponent close before proposing an alternative. Since you regretted not being able to watch your series in peace, I told myself that I would also do you a favor.

• Trust you. You also need to confide in yourself from time to time. Don’t hesitate to share personal anecdotes and give your opinion to show that you are not only a faithful ear, but also an interesting person who deserves attention. And if the result is not satisfactory, confide even more in yourself: the death of your chinchilla in 1998 and the five years of therapy that followed, your tinnitus, the impression of being a great failure since you have been failed For Love is in the meadow and… Ah, you see, there are some who dare to leave when conversation puffs them up, take some seed.

• make excuses. If you’re tired of being the crying vessel for all your loved ones, but you don’t dare tell them, you don’t have to. It’s crazy how many appointments you don’t remember until the last minute and how many dazzling bellyaches you can suddenly develop. ” Last tube at 8:30pm, sick goldfish, OH LOOK AT A PARROT! »And it’s also crazy how many obstacles can stand between the end of a soporific conversation and you. What a shame, but you really have to go.

• Betray all your loved ones: reveal all their most intimate secrets, use their weaknesses to your advantage, threaten them with everything. You’ll end up alone, that’s true. But we’re not there, don’t you worry?

All right, I’ll leave you, I uh…, I have to…, sorry, my phone is ringing, I have to answer,

Your Daronne