Charlotte, 34 years old: “I stopped associating love and couple”

Between social pressures, dating apps and conflicting injunctions, celibacy it is often perceived as a temporary state, a problem to solve, even a danger. However, there are as many ways to experience it as there are individuals and very few places to talk about it! Every week, in our new format To separate, people of all kinds tell us about their relationship with celibacy, their questions and their answers to embarrassing remarks… Or the memes they can make of them! This is the case of Charlotte, creator of the Instagram account @lacelibataire_lavraie, for whom celibacy is not a taboo.

• Name: Charlotte
• Age: 34 years old
• Place of residence: Paris
• Pronouns: she/she
• Romantic and sexual orientation: straight

How long have you been single?

I’ve been single since we broke up two years ago. Since then I have almost always had other forms of sentimental or sexual relationship, in addition to the couple.

At the moment, for example, I’m not in a relationship but I see two men regularly. One I see often and am very close to, we are lovers and friends and share many things. I see the latter a little less often, because we have commitments, but we get along very well. These are relationships that are very close to my heart, and they have nothing to do with the standard, exclusive, official, long-term relationship model.

What is your relationship with being single?

Before, I was in a very suffered celibacy. My situation made me very unhappy, often turned into an obsession and made me make bad decisions (add to all this a strong emotional dependence: a disaster). I was saying “I want to be in a relationship, I want to live with someone”.

A few years ago, I started a whole journey that made me see romantic relationships and celibacy completely differently. The couple does not make me want at all!

Today, romantic relationships are part of my life but not as much as before, I rebalanced everything. I stopped idealizing them, I stopped putting pressure on myself. I stopped associating love and couple, healthy relationship and couple, fulfilling relationship and couple. And I’ve never been so accomplished in my life, when I never thought it was possible to be single.

“Let’s think of couples and celibacy without imagining everything in between”

I’ve always thought about the couple relationship and celibacy, with no middle ground. When I had relationships outside the classic model (an exclusive, faithful couple, where we do everything together, introduce our families, project ourselves into the future…), I tended to get frustrated. I told myself it was worse than if I was in a relationship, that it could have gone further.

Over time, I realized that I wasn’t frustrated because these stories weren’t good, but because they didn’t fit in the boxes of the heteronormative couple, and for this they were denigrated. My entourage judged me a lot, I’ve been told often “Aren’t you tired of having fun? »

We are all very conditioned to view the straight couple as an absolute holy grail. But I also see many couples judged because they don’t tick all the boxes: because they don’t live together, because they don’t want children, because they aren’t all together…

Myself, I’ve always had a lot of romantic/sentimental/sexual affairs, most of which outside of couple relationships. Long distance relationships where we weren’t exclusive, but where we saw each other regularly, relationships that weren’t “official”, holiday stories, one night stands after a nice night out… They are all different and all very special!

I find these to be beautiful relationships, which can be fulfilling, and which we tend to denigrate.

Does being single affect your friendships?

More or less. I would say some of my friends in relationships are mathematically less available than before and our lifestyle is sometimes not the same anymore. But it’s not an absolute rule, I have married friends who date more than my other friends! It is above all parenting that changes our relationships, because our lifestyles change a lot.

What affects my friendships is not so much my single status as the way of life and the time dedicated to friendships which, unfortunately, changes when some people get into relationships.

Do you think being single has a daily impact on your morale?

It mattered a lot before. I wanted at all costs to fit into the schemes, to do like everyone else, it was a goal in itself and therefore I experienced my periods of celibacy very badly. I felt worse than the others, I thought I had a problem… Today it’s not like that anymore!

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Completely. I think I’ve gained some independence. I experimented with new forms of relationships, I went on trips, I had crazy friendships, sentimental and sexual encounters, I celebrated, and above all I learned something that changed everything: I learned to love myself, and to nourish myself with love in other forms of relationship than the couple. My friends, family, lovers etc.

Since my last breakup, I’ve been through a lot that I honestly think I wouldn’t have had I been in the “comfort” of my relationship. I especially ccreated an instagram account that allows me to discuss all the topics that directly or indirectly concern celibacy to defuse this “status”. I receive messages every day from people who tell me it helps them feel better, suffer less, appreciate even these times when it wasn’t like that.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Before yes, but because I forbade myself: going to an accompanied wedding for example (I finally did it with friends!), becoming owner (I had always told myself that I would necessarily do it together, but in the end I did it alone and I’m super proud of it).

The thing today that I hesitate to do alone that I surely would have done by now if I was in a relationship, is to become a mother.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

Yes, clearly. In Paris I have the feeling that there are many more singles than elsewhere, more infidelities, more opportunities to meet, and a lifestyle that makes the sentimental life as it were… intense!

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

Today I am no longer looking for a relationship and I tend to look for relationships that I like, outside of this pattern.

This can be on apps or in festive places like parties, bars, clubs…

When I do research, I try to dedicate a few hours a week to apps, in the evening, to meet real people and not just matches.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

Since I am no longer looking for “the one” or my future husband, I meet more people and have a richer sex life. But there were also times when I didn’t have a sexual partner at all, which is perfectly okay! On my Instagram account I talk a lot about masturbation because I want to remind you that you can also have a very satisfied solo sex life.

Do you feel the need to be in a relationship?

Completely. From my entourage, perfect strangers, pubs, media, movies, series, books, cartoons, taxes, companies, travel agencies… We are in a society where the couple is still ultra-central and almost everything is built around that.

It is difficult to assume one’s “non-executive” status with one’s entourage. Before, for example, I never talked about my relationships. Today I do it because I know it’s important, but I run into many misunderstandings. When I talk about one of the men I date on a regular basis, I am always asked:

“But I don’t understand, don’t you want to be in a relationship? If you don’t want to be in a relationship, you’re not in love! “

I want to answer, yes, and? That’s not why we can’t have fun together, hold each other, carry things with each other…

There’s also the fact that we only see single people through two prisms, that of wild sex life like Samantha in Sex and the city, or that of the old maid. When you step out of these two patterns, it’s creepy.

When I talk about the relationships I cultivate, about my celibacy, people often respond to me “You say it now, but the day you get the chance (or when you meet ‘the one’…), you will reunite.” Maybe, and that’s okay! You can tailor your relationships perfectly to the people you meetand just because I don’t feel like it now doesn’t mean I can’t change later.

There is also a much harsher judgment on women’s sentimental and sexual lives. When I chat with my subscribers, I feel the pressure of slut-shaming, the very strong self-criticism women can have towards themselves…

Does being single impact your finances?

YES ! The cost of living for a single person is 1.5 times higher than for a person in a couple. All housing expenses are halved and m² is much more expensive (both rent and purchase) for small areas, food price is also higher…

What are your plans for the future? Does celibacy have an impact on these desires and projections?

Before, I calculated my plans based on a hypothetical meeting, a hypothetical future with this or that partner (purchase, child, travel, change of job or city, etc.). Now I’m building MY life and if there will be someone who one day will join it maybe it will be good, if not bad, today it fits me perfectly like this!

Do you have an anecdote about being single to share?

I have thousands! That’s why I created memes on Instagram.

Cover photo credit: Ivan Samkov / Pexels