Judd Apatow’s Best Jokes at the DGA Awards

Returning for the fourth time to host the 75th Annual DGA Awards, Judd Apatow opened Saturday’s show with cheers for Austin Butler’s voice, the presence of a “Fk Boy Table” and Tom Cruise’s stunts.

Unfortunately, Apatow’s snide remarks were not heard outside the Beverly Hilton ballroom. As in previous years The King of Staten Island Director instructed DGA to stop broadcasting his speech to the press room so he could enjoy “creative freedom”, an insider explained. So Deadline had to piece together what he said from various tweets.

“We’re not even on the radio tonight” Apatow noted at the beginning of his monologue. “This program is being streamed live to the back of this room. This show is so irrelevant it’s shocking Elon Musk hasn’t bought it yet.”

Apatow continued with a swipe at Butler’s Elvis Presley voice, which no one is saying has really gone since he finished the Baz Luhrmann film. So Apatow snapped that Butler’s next film will be The Jerry Lewis Story.

As for Cruise and his insistence on doing all his stunts himself, Apatow said: “Tell Tom that Thelma and Louise didn’t just jump off the cliff by themselves.” Tom, have you ever heard of CGI?

Apatow added that the stunts felt like “advertising Scientology.”

As for the infamous “Fk Boy Table,” Apatow pointed to director Michael Shea’s team at HBO Max FBoy Island, which won Best Reality Director at this year’s DGA Awards. Shea lost Roll with Bear Grylls. (FBoy Island was also canceled in December).

Fortunately, the rest of Apatow’s jokes for the evening were heard by everyone:

“I was joking about a dildo [in his monologue]. Seth Rogen texted me this morning. It’s a good friend.”

“It’s very nice what Glenn Weiss said [about thanking his family]. To my family, to Leslie, Maude and Iris, I couldn’t do what I do without you. where are they Oh yeah, they’re not here because they don’t care.“

“I believe our friend Aubrey Plaza is here. Can’t believe you have a worse place than Fkboy Island. You should talk to your publisher. (Later, Plaza said she actually sat at the F-Boy table and “I like it, it’s where I belong.”)

“I want to give credit to my team at my table, my manager Jimmy Miller for many decades, my agent David Kramer… yeah, they’re not here, they don’t care. I am literally alone here. I don’t have anyone.”

“This show is pretty good, don’t you think? Sam Levinson is here tonight. He is the writer, director and creator of Euphoria. My daughter Maude is on this show. It is very successful. My only frustration, I actually want her to have a baby. [Editor’s note: He said something about wanting to be a grandfather. I dunno, man]. She said, “Dad, I play a 16-year-old on a high school TV show.” I saw the performance. I don’t think it would be that weird to have a little crack baby on this show. Your baby can play crack baby, a two-pay situation on this program.

“Let it be known, I work hard. It’s a scary time in business, isn’t it? Everything changes very quickly. People don’t know what to do. All the studios can be merged…then at some point there will be only one studio, which will be an advantage for me, because then there will only be one person who sucks his dk. This is such a time saver! Seth Rogen sent it to me.”

“I feel guilty about the dirty joke I told earlier. I feel extra guilty because Seth didn’t write that joke, I was just scared [so he said Seth’s name]. Judd Hirsch sent it to me and told me it would work.”

“Our next host directed Boogie Night, There Will Be Blood and Licorice Pizza. He’s never won a DGA award, which makes me think this whole night is a waste. Please welcome Paul Thomas Anderson.”

“Our newest presenter won an Oscar and a DGA award for directing the independent film Nomadland, about a woman who lives in a van. Then she directed The Eternals so she wouldn’t have to live in a van by the river. Please welcome Chloe Zhao.”