As much as Hollywood movies inspire us that true love is the most beautiful feeling that can overcome any obstacle in the world, the reality seems a little different. Even the most harmonious relationships do not develop on a linear trajectory. They go through ups and downs, which ultimately leads to two opposite endings – unconditional love and acceptance from a partner (“and they lived happily ever after”) or a natural breakup. But in some cases, couples choose the third way: they end their love story but agree to remain friends. Or at least they try to.
Experts from dating app Badoo took a look at the question of whether it’s possible to be friends with an ex and put together some helpful tips on their blog called The Truth. We share them with you.
The desire to maintain a friendship with an ex is quite natural from a psychology point of view. “A breakup can be more painful than the worst loss,” says relationship expert Miles Pulver. – When someone dies, they disappear from your life forever, and the ex-spouse continues to live and even enter new relationships. You have to deal with the pain of loss as you watch her progress without you.” Such stress, mixed with an existential fear of loneliness, is very difficult to survive. “Each of us has a well-formed attachment system,” adds Miles Pulver. This means we instinctively want to be close. [близкими] people and resist division.”
Examples of friendships with former partners can be found even among celebrities. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and musician Chris Martin claim they’re “closer than ever” after a deliberate breakup: they introduce each other to new lovers and sometimes even travel together. And Irina Shayk and Bradley Cooper decided to remain friends for the sake of their common daughter. As in their romantic days, they eat as a family and raise a child together.
“The idea of staying friends with an ex makes a lot of sense under certain circumstances,” says relationship expert Jonathan Bennett. “Given the fact that many breakups are fraught with drama and disagreements, maintaining friendships can be a sign of maturity.” However, this does not mean that such a solution will be right for all couples. “If there are still feelings or unresolved issues between you two, then a friendship attempt can be the gateway to an old relationship,” she adds. “Many people stay friends with their ex simply because they hope to rekindle a romantic relationship.” Such partners run the risk of falling into an endless cycle of separation and reunion over an extended period of time. And it can be a much more traumatic experience than a recent breakup.
How to understand that it is better not to remain friends with the first?
Rachel Sussman, psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible, believes that if the relationship itself is unhealthy (emotional or physical abuse), all contact with the former partner should be cut off. Any attempt to befriend him will be fraught with manipulation and quarrels, and can also harm your health. After all, if a person is characterized by certain patterns of behavior, he will reproduce them in any relationship, both romantic and friendly.
It’s also dangerous to stay friends with an ex-partner for whom the relationship is based solely on physical attraction. “If you have a strong bond, a relationship with a rich sex life, then how can you be friends with this person? Rachel Sussman says “Chemistry is never lost.” Most likely, if you continue to communicate, at some point you will find yourself in the same bed again. So, before embarking on such an adventure, you should honestly answer the question: are you aware of all the consequences of a relationship in the status of “privileged friends”? Are you ready to let go of your ex when he has an official girlfriend (not yours)?
And finally, a situation in which very little time has passed after parting is considered a serious contraindication for friendship. According to Susan Elliott, author of How to Survive a Breakup, it’s a good idea to take a six-month break before reconnecting (depending on the severity of the relationship and how it ended). “You need time to be apart and re-enter the world as one person,” she explains.
After the end of a relationship, you are still emotionally vulnerable to your ex. That’s why it’s worth making sure you’re on your feet (and don’t rely on shared memories as a crutch) before you offer him friendship. Use this timeout wisely. According to a study published in Plos One in 2013, “separation distress can act as a catalyst for personal growth,” and avoiding it slows development.
When is it a good idea to be friends with an ex?
Most psychologists agree that having children together is a great reason to try to maintain a warm relationship with an ex. If for both of you the well-being of the child is in the first place, problems with friendship should not arise. In addition, excellent prospects for maintaining communication in a new format are for partners whose romantic relationships are short and / or initially “growing” out of friendship.
Source: People Talk
