A stepmother is candid about how she went from a “confident and strong woman” to a “terrible mess” after moving in with her husband and children.
Katie Harrison, 41, from Suffolk, hit her breaking point and became a stepmother. She admitted that she felt “walking on eggshells” and “constant surveillance” in her home.
The mother of three, who shares two children with her husband Dom, says she feels “lost and isolated” while trying to maintain the “very delicate balance” they have established as a mixed family.
Earlier this year, she launched the BBC’s hit podcast “You’re Not My Mom: The Stepmums Side” to provide support and address the “taboo” surrounding stepmums.
Katie Harrison, 41, from Suffolk, met her partner Dom at work in 2016 and quickly moved in with her three-year-old son, partner, and two young daughters.
Katie told FEMAIL: “I felt like I had to give, to give, but I didn’t expect anything in return, and it broke me. I went from a confident and strong woman to a terrible confusion.
Every couple of weekends I would step on eggshells at my house, feeling like I was constantly being watched and overthinking everything, afraid to say anything that might upset the delicate balance we have.
“We were a bit like the Jenga tower, in our family and with our schedules, we were constantly moving blocks around trying to keep the tower from collapsing.
“All this time I desperately sought support. WHERE ARE ALL THE STAPMMUMS? I felt lost and isolated. There were so many people with whom I could share my deepest truths as a “real” mother, but as a stepmother, there was no one.
The mother of three, who shares two children with her husband Dom, says she feels “lost and isolated” while trying to maintain the “very delicate balance” they have established as a mixed family.
The mother of three, who shares two children with her husband Dom, says she feels “lost and isolated” while trying to maintain the “very delicate balance” they have established as a mixed family. Dom and Katie photographed taking a walk with their kids
Katie met her partner, Dom, at work in 2016 and said she thought it was “pretty naive” to welcome her two young children and three-year-old son.
“I’ve always loved children and wanted a big family,” she said. “Dom has talked a lot about his daughters, so I was very excited to meet them. I really saw them as a bonus and thought that being a father would mean understanding my responsibilities to my son.
“I always knew it wouldn’t be a smooth cruise and expected obstacles along the way, but looking back I was very naive about the complications that could arise and how difficult it would be!”
As a mother, Katie knew how hard it was to share your son, but she acknowledged that it was “impossible” to find a balance between making the girls feel like they were being taken care of and not stepping on their mom’s feet.
“I was worried about how my son would react to my wife and children,” he said. “Concerns about this were pretty unfounded, as my son quickly formed a good relationship with them.
“Before we moved in together, I think it was harder for the kids. Most of our time was spent in “my” house, where my son obviously has a room and toys, so he felt that for him his space was not his own and he should always share, and for the girls they had it. I felt like it wasn’t their home.
Things got better when the couple officially moved in together and all the kids had their own space, but the complications of being a stepmother weren’t over yet.
Katie says that all important decisions must be made “by a committee,” and that the choices she often thinks are right for her children are not the same as those for the children’s mother.
“People would say to me, ‘Treat them like yours,’ but frankly, I couldn’t do that because there were so many decisions about how they were raised, like accessing social media, and it wasn’t my decision to do it.
“So I felt like I had all the responsibility, but I didn’t have the authority that comes with raising children. It looked very difficult.
“We had a way of life at home that worked for us, but it wasn’t always like living at mom’s house, the smaller things like the time the kids went to bed, the time they took off their shoes, most of the household food we ate, led to big problems that were very stressful for all of us.
“Even though I know it’s just the little things, the many little ways you like to live can put tremendous emotional pressure when questioned.”
“In the first family, power often emanates from the parents, but adoptive families can often be a filter pattern where power flows from the children. This creates a very difficult situation for everyone in the family,” he said.
Katie admitted that while her children are always on good terms, it is difficult to fight the “almost primary” urge to stand up for your child during a conflict; This is a truth that parents believe should be spoken for.
The mother reportedly fled to her parents’ house for a weekend with her son and admitted that she “cannot handle the tension” at home, although she thinks Dom and her daughters need some quality time.
“I knew I was running away and put the problem on hold, but I was so emotional that I went into ‘self-protection’ mode,” he said.
“Some people in my house were unhappy. And I couldn’t help it. I wanted so badly for our home to be the happy home I was longing for, and it didn’t happen then.
“I really struggled not to ‘solve’ problems in our family. My joy was shaped by another’s pain and it is a very difficult pill to swallow. For even a stepmother to exist, the child must have suffered a loss through both death and divorce.
“As much as I wanted my stepchildren to be happy, I sometimes remembered that their parents were no longer together. I took it very personally, even if it wasn’t about me as a person.
Katie said her relationship with Dom suffered during her early days as a stepmother, admitting that there were “too many tears” as they went their separate ways as a mixed family.
After winning the contest, Katie’s podcast “You’re Not My Mom; Stepmother-side ‘earlier this year’ aired on BBC Sounds
Not surprisingly, the biggest predictor of divorce in second marriages is having children from the first! There were times when I felt like I couldn’t cope with the pressure, sadness, and stress.
“There was so much pain for all of us at various times. There is little support for stepmothers and little support for fathers in second relationships.
“However, going through these painful falls has brought us closer and we now have an extremely strong and honest relationship.”
Katie’s lightbulb moment came when she cried alone in her bedroom and thought, “I can’t be the only woman who feels this way.”
“I remember telling Dom very clearly about the BBC podcast contest, ‘somebody has to talk about these things, it’s complicated and taboo, but the way to break taboos is to talk about things'” and his response was “Well, join in”!
After winning the contest, Katie’s podcast “You’re Not My Mom; The stepmother side ‘was aired on BBC Sounds earlier this year.
Source: Daily Mail
