There are only idiots and LEDs around: why is it so hard to find your love?

Spring is a great time for romance. It is during this period that even the most convinced loners awaken the desire to fall in love. It literally floats in the air, sparing no one.

It would seem, what is so difficult? I chose a victim, opened the talisman – and a bird in a cage. However, not everything is so simple, and many fail in their attempts to build relationships over the course of several years. You can fall into despair and lose faith in love, decide that the evil eye, curse or bad fate is to blame for everything, all the men were torn and not enough for you. Or you can not rush to conclusions and try to understand what is the reason for failure in your personal life. And we strongly recommend that you do this, because even the strongest and most independent sometimes really want to be weak and “in control”.

Why do we have difficulties in the dating stage, what role do parents play in this, and how do we open up to relationships? Marina Veles, psychologist, coach and NLP master (Neuro-Linguistic Programming – an approach to communication, self-help and psychotherapy) explained this to the The Fashion Vibes editors.

Marina Veles, psychologist

Why is love different for everyone?

The understanding of the word “love” depends on the level of development of our consciousness. If a person is at the lowest level, then love for him is to receive and use. He loves people, food, clothes equally. consumes the same. Highly developed people in relationships necessarily have care, respect, responsibility and respect. But all these components are impossible without self-love. We will be able to do this for someone else only when we know how to do it for ourselves.

And everything starts with a mother’s love for her child. If a woman lacks love, reacts impatiently to the manifestations of a child, she concludes: if the dearest person, my mother, does not love me, then I am bad, I am not worthy of love.

Scenarios of self-dislike and dependence, often confused with love, predominate. And all because it is difficult for my mother to always be in a good mood. There are situations that take him out of himself, and this is reflected in the attitude towards the child.

Then we learn to love ourselves, or we continue on the path of not loving. And it is important to understand that love is a skill that can and should be developed.

What prevents us from finding someone we love?

The main reason why we cannot find love is the scenarios we inherited from our parents. We often experience internal conflict. One side wants love, while the other side avoids it because they see enough of the mother’s or grandmother’s failed relationships or disengagement. In this confrontation, the hereditary part wins because it is stronger.

For example, a grandmother spent half her life in marriage, a mother broke up with a man after the birth of a child. Then the girl has a cumulative scenario in which negative beliefs about men, relationships, and marriage grow.

A riot scenario can also occur. For example, all generations of the family had relationships, but they were created out of a sense of duty, not for the sake of happiness. After all, that’s what society said: as soon as you become an adult – get married immediately, as soon as you get married – children immediately.

From this may arise a rebel who says, “But I will oppose it.” I’ll stay unrelated, I don’t need them.” Again we have a secret conflict. And the danger is that it is unconscious. It seems that we want a relationship but we do nothing for them, or we do it in such a way that nothing works.

How do we get out of inner conflict?

There is a technique to help you discover negative beliefs.

Take a piece of paper and write down 20 definitions of love, relationships, men, family. No need to look for logical formulations, we are interested in what sits in your head. The purpose of the reception: to make everything unconscious conscious.

Negative attitudes need to be looked at in every context. For example, love is danger, difficulty, pain. Then you have to protest them, attack them, tell yourself that you can be different. This is how we get rid of internal conflicts.

How to find love

In order to start getting to know the people that interest us, it is important to follow a few recommendations.

1. Be in harmony with yourself. We don’t accept ourselves when we have claims against ourselves, we become shy – we carry these feelings on dates. And instead of enjoying the conversation, we sit and think about whether the interlocutor sees our flaws.

2. Review all negative and preconceived beliefs about men and relationships. If we don’t think “all men are goats” we lose our fear of men and relationships. We are more willing to get to know each other, we do not hesitate, we do not hesitate during conversation.

3. Practice. We did not immediately know how to dance – first we learned to walk. Same with appointment. The more often you get to know each other and the more comfortable you feel about it, the sooner the burden of the first steps will be lifted and you will start doing it with pleasure.

4. Clarity. It is important to open up to the whole world, not just with a specific person. To give a signal to the universe, you need to smile, carry lightness, and radiate your openness.

Get in touch with yourself and the world around you, add determination and you will see how people will reach out to you. One day your love will be among them.”