In our section, Debates in the park, let’s take stock of the great early childhood debates, so divisive! After Should Babies Be Left to Cry and Should Babies Be Punished?, we’re tackling another big piece: Should children be forced to kiss?
At day care, some parents ask their children to give each professional a kiss in the morning and evening. At Christmas a child hides behind his parents because he doesn’t want to say hello. So we’re gonna make him go kiss Aunt Monique’s foundation covered cheek.
Situations that may seem trivial, especially when Covid is less present, but which are now being questioned… it’s about time!
We’re not going to force an adult to kiss another adult, then why do it for kids?
We invoked two education specialists to help us see it a little clearer, namely Marie Chetrit, Doctor of Science, who just published Positive education: a question of balance? Unraveling the right and wrong of parenting and Héloïse Junier, a psychologist specializing in young children, who published For or against? The great debates of early childhood in the light of scientific knowledge.
An adultomorphic obligation
Children are forced to reproduce the behavior of adults who kiss when they have none it’s not the same way to work. Héloïse Junier tells us:
“It is difficult to decentralize and understand that the child works in a different way, that he also has his own subjectivity. We want mini-adults around us when they’re just kids. »
Also for Marie Chetrit it refers to our way of seeing children as mini-adults or as animals to be educated:
” Really a thingization of the child, as if it were a doll or a small animal. »
Let the children grow at their own pace. It’s not alone inappropriate to their psychic construction to force children to kiss, but it can also have an appearance dangerous.
Learn the concept of consent from an early age
Teaching children to reject unwanted physical contact can be helpful their acquisition of the notion of consent. For Marie Chetrit:
“It is the question of the disposition or otherwise of the other. For learn to refuse unwanted contact, I find it very important that the child can say: “no, I don’t want to kiss”. If grandparents or others are offended, so be it. […] This is important to a child’s ability to do this refuse inappropriate gestures and talk about it later. »
Kissing shouldn’t be automatic. So is giving a hug or a kiss to adults a sign of affection, other than the limited courtesy. This should also apply to the little ones, as Marie Chetrit tells us:
“There is a time when children are very suspicious, when they don’t want to. It’s important who go through this stage. They must be able to assess the relationship, the degree of affection. Is it a social convention or a gesture of affection and trust? »
Kisses are with close people, especially in these times of Covid (take respect for barrier gestures). They are signs of affection that agree, that are not required. A kiss can be precious!
What about courtesy?
Kisses and hugs are not polite! Of course, courtesy is important, it is a cog in the wheel of good relations in society, respect for others. As Marie Chetrit writes in her book:
“Kindness is also a means of regulate tensions between individuals, to limit aggressiveness and avoid excesses: there is therefore a real social utility. »
Children aren’t old enough to understand when they’re very young, which doesn’t stop them from expressing these signs of politeness. We absolutely can teach them to imitateeven if it really has no value for them, as Héloïse Junier explains:
“For the little ones, polite words have no meaning. They only understand concrete, physical words. “Thank you”, “please”, “I love you”, “sorry”… these are abstract words, which derive from social dynamics, and which they cannot understand until they are decentralized. Not before the age of 4 or 5. Prima is a conditioning, but for them it has no value. »
The little ones then associate the words with specific situations. It is not necessary to force it but first the child is going reproduce this polite behavior by imitation.
For Marie Chetrit, when a child refuses to say hello, there’s no point in being stubborn! You need to talk to him about it later, telling him the importance of being kind, explaining that it shows you are caring about the person, show him the example and make him understand the stakes of courtesy. We must also adapt to the character of the child. She specifies:
“There are children who are extremely shy. I was a very shy little girl so I know this problem. A look, a smile, is like saying hello. You learn little by little. »
We can fully understand that, many of us are shy. For some, even a word can cost. It is not ill will and to force the child can rob him even more. Like all learning, courtesy can take some time.
What to do ?
To sum up, we must not force but educate children in polite words. And when it comes to touching, slobbering kisses, and other hugs, it’s never a good idea to coerce kids. If we are educated, our children will be educated. It is an apprenticeship and is therefore progressive.
And in these times of Covid, it is also public health that will say thank you. This is one of the few beneficial things that the virus will have brought us, the obligatory kiss stop.
The same way men should stop telling women to smile, because it’s more beautiful! – stop forcing our children to kiss against their will! courtesy and consent they are notions that are acquired over time and as we have just seen they can be connected.
Featured image: Canva/Getty Images
Source: Madmoizelle
Elizabeth Cabrera is an author and journalist who writes for The Fashion Vibes. With a talent for staying up-to-date on the latest news and trends, Elizabeth is dedicated to delivering informative and engaging articles that keep readers informed on the latest developments.
