Vera Musaelian

Vera Musaelyan, vocalist of the group “Aloe Vera”, gave an interview with “Holod” *, where she talked about self-acceptance, sex and the ability to “live shame”. We publish the most catchy quotes.

About your relationship with your body

Ever since I was four, I thought the body was an embarrassing thing. I saw how my Baku-born mother was afraid of my attention to myself. Any story about sentimentality, how he reacted to romantic scenes that were pretty innocuous by today’s standards in cinema, challenged him. And so, I felt that something was wrong with me.

When I was six years old, a “cool” doctor told me and my family I was secondarily obese. I went on a strict diet, took diet pills. I didn’t swim in the summer and wore pantyhose even in the heat. My body is starting to disgust me.

In general, there were many ideas about the behavior of a woman in our Armenian-Azerbaijani family that struck me as strange. For example, if a woman is sick – this is her problem, it was believed that this does not burden the man with it.

When I got my period as a teenager, I would rather talk about it with my sister. He is three years older than me and unlike my mother, he did not embarrass me. But I still bought pads and looked around – suddenly one of my friends will see and, God forbid, my dad will find out that I have “it”!

About bulimia

For a while, bulimia was the only way to relieve stress. The brain seemed to press a red button: “Danger! We have to start over. Now you’ll eat a lot, then you’ll get rid of everything that’s eaten, and it’ll be easier in the end.” If I could discuss my feelings and experiences with someone, this mechanism wouldn’t work, but I had no one to talk to.

about shame

Now I can’t name a subject that would embarrass me. If you didn’t close the bathroom door and someone walked in, it’s natural to be embarrassed. But now such a story will not make me hate myself, see myself as worthless, and not have a poisonous desire. This did not happen even when my candid videos were leaked to the internet. I learned to live with shame and let myself be.

Freedom is impossible without accepting all its aspects. It is a pity that in Russia today everything connected with the right to self-determination, to be oneself is taboo. The feeling that we are rolling into the Middle Ages.

*Access to the broadcast website is restricted in accordance with Roskomnadzor requirements