The baby-clash: when the couple is in crisis after the birth of a child

Posted September 22, 2021

The welcome of the first child is (almost) always a complicated step for a couple who must find a new balance between this little one who risks sucking all the vital energy of the parents (and an impressive amount of milk in the process).

Between lack of sleep, lack of intimacy, increased mental load, fatigue and identity upheavals caused by the birth of a child, it is not surprising that the parental couple goes through a turbulent zone.

The clash of children, an expression popularized in France by a psychiatrist

Those who say turbulence say potential conflicts, quarrels and “fasten your seat belts” … at least until the couple finds a new balance. There is also a term that specifically designates the marital difficulties that couples may encounter after the birth of a childa fortiori the first.

There is talk of “baby-clash” (“clash” which in English means shock or confrontation), an expression popularized in France by the psychiatrist and family therapist Bernard Generowicz. He also wrote a book on the subject with journalist Colette Barroux-Chabanol: The couple in front of the baby’s arrival: Overcoming the baby-clash.

“100% of couples go through turbulence when their first baby is born. Furthermore, we know that about 20% of couples separate within the first 4-5 years of living together, whether they are parents or not. “

Bernard Generowicz, psychiatrist, interviewed by Psychology journal

The baby-clash, a crisis experienced by many couples

Two thirds of the French mothers interviewed by the Elabe Institute in 2016 said however that they experienced a lot of tension and conflict with their partner after the birth of their first child. 20% of them even explained that their couple had not resisted.

Another American study, conducted by Dr Shapiro and Gottman, revealed that 67% of young parents reported a significant decline in satisfaction with their relationship in the first three years of parenthood. Lack of quality time and intimate moments spent together can easily explain this feeling.

How to overcome the clash between children?

If every couple is different and must find their own solutions to overcome this turbulent zone without too much damage, psychiatrist Bernard Generowicz gives some tips to understand the baby-clash and overcome it in an interview with Psychology journal.

The most fragile couples are those who, in a sense, have not been warned of the difficulties that might await them. They have a very strong feeling of disappointment, of disillusionment, which is less strong when one is aware of experiencing the turbulence that most couples go through.

Fatigue also plays an important role. If this is normal and habitual, it can make us selfish (we always think we are more tired than the other) and change our tolerance threshold for dissatisfaction and frustration.

Bernard Generowicz, psychiatrist

In addition to this anticipation of difficulties, the psychiatrist advises to show empathy and solidarity within the couple (you are a team!) And to take care to reserve moments of complicity for two.

It’s important to have a good time together, and that doesn’t necessarily mean going to the Seychelles for eight days or going to a restaurant. Sometimes it is enough to spend an hour or two together, when the baby sleeps, talks, takes care of each other.

Bernard Generowicz, psychiatrist

In short, to find your romantic partner and not just your parenting partner. And, of course, if there are too many conflicts and communication is difficult, don’t hesitate to consult a professional couples therapist.

Photo credit: Image from the Workin ‘Moms series