Message to embarrassing people making “lovers” to my ten month old daughter

Article originally published February 25, 2021

Last weekend, the first rays of spring sunshine took me out of my den with my ten-month-old daughter to run around the park. Then, while she was living her best life chewing on stones (I was kidding, don’t do this at home, it’s dangerous), another child passed, who moved with the help of a walker. , the equivalent of a walker.

“Love at first sight” in the park

Closely followed by his parents, he sees my daughter and stops a few meters away, visibly intrigued by this other small individual. His mother then begins to roar:

“Oh, it’s love at first sight in the park! That’s it Jean-Kévin, you met the woman of your life.

Since I hate conflict and have no response, I have not responded to anything and just grimaced behind my mask.

On the other hand, once Jean-Kévin (sorry to tell you it’s a pseudonym) and his parents left, I turned to my daughter and told her with conviction:

“Don’t listen to this nonsense of Chouchouille (similar, not his real name). You don’t have to be in love to be happy. And then, if you feel like it, you will have all the lovers you want. And it can be zero. “

She responded with a learned “Guababa” which is currently the only word she has learned, and returned to her rocks.

Even though Jean-Kévin’s mother was probably just trying to create a bond of complicity between us through humor, this annoying little skit got me thinking.

Let’s stop locking children into romantic patterns

Why do adults like so much to imprint patterns of romantic relationships between adults on babies and children?

And first of all, what made this woman think that my ten-month-old baby – dressed in white and gray – must have been a baby?

Why do you think your son, who is certainly less than two years old, will have a “woman of his life” and not a “man of his life”?

And finally, because as soon as he seems interested in another child – of the opposite sex -, does it suggest that he must be in seduction or romantic relationship mode? So what about friendship?

“It will make them all fall”

Although well-intentioned, the accumulation of observations similar to those of Jean-Kévin’s mother maintains the idea that the relationship of a heterosexual couple is a necessary step.

I don’t want to sound like a moral mother, I’m not even perfect. I think I had to ask my younger cousins ​​if they had had lovers in the past, but I won’t.

This helps make other sexual orientations invisible, in turn reinforcing gender stereotypes.

What a kid remembers when he hears: “What a charmer that, he’ll make them all fall to the ground!” or “Look out, girls, the heartthrob is coming!” »?

In his book You will be a feminist man, my sonjournalist Aurélia Blanc analyzes the stakes very well at this level:

“It will not have escaped you that, even ‘for fun’, we never hear comments about the cute little couple formed by Adam and Ryan, who are inseparable anyway, nor about Pierre’s ‘lover’. Incredible, right? I thought that you could laugh at everything!

Likewise, when we ask little Julie if she’s “flirting”, we don’t just flop, but we take the parents’ gaze in the face (you mean, are you saying my daughter is a mockery ?!).

Yes, because all these little phrases aren’t just for making people laugh (otherwise it’s been a long time since we last renewed the genre, right?). Under their humorous veneer, these observations reinforce and validate gender stereotypes.

Taking up speeches and clichés already hyperpresent in children’s literature, cartoons, popular culture, these little phrases constitute just as many injunctions addressed to our children.

By chance, they clearly show them the way forward, that of the heterosexual couple where, depending on the sex, everyone should play a different role. Girls, that of the princess to conquer. And the boys, that of the born seducer, who should multiply his conquests (feminine, this goes without saying). “

“Do you have a lover … or a lover?” “

Based on your book, I have compiled a short list of things that can be put in place to get out of this dynamic:

• Let’s stop lending a love life to babies and toddlers: let’s let them live their life quietly
• We abandon our heteronormative injunctions, for example by suggesting to children that they may have later if they wish “a lover or a lover”
• We encourage our children’s boy / girl friendships
• We talk about feelings with our children, and especially between father and son, so that the boys understand that love is not a “thing for girls”
• Share cultural works that are inclusive and contrary to gender stereotypes with them
• We explain to them that love has nothing to do with gender and that there are no rules in this matter: some people are very happy in a relationship, others don’t feel like it at all.
• We teach kindness rather than gallantry to kids

Here, with all this, we should already be able to go back for a comfortable walk in the park, my daughter and I.

Photo credit: Image from the Workin ‘Moms series