5 reasons not to have children, from someone who has (2 times)

Published in April 2022

If having kids can be a life plan for many of us, let me tell you what great bullshit can be.

Even the biggest bullshit of your life. So yeah, he’s cute (sometimes), makes jokes (not funny 98% of the time), hugs and makes you feel like you’ve brought something into the world (it’s not), but in real life, having kids is mostly iech, 3/4 of the time.

Having children, heralding sure failure

Last night, waking up gently and lovingly at 3 am to give the last baby one more lukewarm bottle, eyes glued with sleep and legs trembling with fatigue, I asked myself: why did I decide to inflict this on myself?

Almost immediately, in a rush of rationalization, I wanted to temper myself by telling myself that well, a newborn is not easy to manage, but that it will get better as it grows.

So I have to, just to take a leap of hope into the future that awaits me, I thought of my 5-year-old daughter, a beautiful little girl with a verbal flow that could make any rapper go pale, and I also immediately remembered her multiple and attacks. daily nervousness usually triggered by her father’s or me simply pronouncing the word “no”.

This is why I tried, with my few hours of sleep on the clock, to make a mental list of the reasons that prevent me from taking my children back to the maternity ward for an adequate exchange.

Since this list is the size of my self-esteem, I don’t really care. So here is rather the list of reasons that make me say no, really, having children is the stupidest idea in the world.

5 good reasons not to have children

Put your forks away, I’m bound to be in bad faith here. I haven’t had a real night in 1,825 days (yes, 5 years is 1,825 days, lack of sleep teaches you crazy things), I feel like I constantly smell like baby vomit and dirty diaper, I have deflated the balloons at the place of the breasts, a double caesarean section scar in the lower abdomen and the mood of Mélenchon after the first round of the presidential elections. Great, GREAT atmosphere.

Here, for your greatest pleasure, the 5 reasons not to have children. Non-exhaustive list of course, and that you can, if you wish, comment and add to it too. You’ll see, it feels good, it even looks cathartic.

• Prevents sleep. Not only at the beginning, time makes its famous evenings. No, even after acquiring this stage, a child continues to wake up due to tooth growth, disease, fatigue (yes, that’s strange), sleep regressions (yes, there is), nightmares, bed wetting, the monster under the bed. bed and the mosquito that got stuck there without warning. Overall, you can sleep when he leaves the house, and even then, he’s not even safe because it seems like we keep worrying about him knowing he’s out and never completely close our eyes. As a matter of fact, you sleep when you have kids, you have to cry it.
• It costs a blind man. No matter how hard we try to find solutions so that a child doesn’t completely ruin Book A, it’s still one more mouth to feed. And one more mouth means less money. Also, if you’re wondering how much a baby costs, you can take a look at our “When We Love, We Matter” section.
• Ecologically, it is not jojo. As for money, we can always be as careful as possible, having disposable diapers, second-hand clothes and toys, all of them and bla-bla-bla, a new human being born, bah it will consume and pollute, CQFD my poor Lucette.
• It sucks, all the time. Well no, not even ALL THE TIME, there are times when having children can bring a certain pleasure, even an ounce of weird happiness, but overall it sucks. Children depend on you to eat, drink, heal, sleep, occupy and entertain them, clean up vomit too often, touch feces for years, and answer existential questions like ” because the trees are green ” Where is it ” why we die ” or ” why can’t we eat french fries for breakfast “. Go to answer, when you have slept 3 hours.
• You have to share with someone else. Clearly, when you have a child (or even more, when you’re a bit of a sadomasochist), you’re no longer your # 1 priority. He doesn’t want to eat his lunch, who wants to poop when it’s 11pm and you episode of Outlander in peace, which has all school day to tell you when you just got home from work and all you can think about is lying on the sofa with an intravenous glass of wine. A child thinks that you are his, that you are his thing, available 24/7, always ready to devote himself body and soul to the least of his wishes. After all, a child is a bit like the kids on the right: they don’t necessarily realize that they are not alone and that the world does not revolve around them.

If after this little list, you still want to reproduce, I can’t do anything for you.

Photo credit images of one: Workin’s Moms