I had no children, I became a mother and the pressure of motherhood made me question my choices

I am a cisgender woman. This means that, since my early childhood, one me
basin for me to do babiesand tries to convince me by all means that this is my final result, the best and most important thing that can happen to me.

The first time I had to be four years old. I was with my grandmother at the market. I had, like all children, one day or another, a doll in my hands. A lady comes to talk
to the grandmother, she asks me my age, oooh you look taller, and there:

“Do you want a baby?

– No.

– You’ll change your mind, you’ll see. ”

CHEF. I have four (four !!), why would I want a baby? how are you up there ??

“I am the girl who does not want children”

By dint of answering “NO” to these two ubiquitous replies (“You want a
baby ? ” And “ You’ll change your mind, you’ll see “), has become a personality trait.

I’m the girl who doesn’t want children. I haven’t had the opportunity to explore this impression with a professional, but I’m sure this regular reinforcement you-want-a-baby-you-won’t-change-mind-you-won’t-see-no contributed a great deal to my vehement aversion to this idea. I was robbed of the freedom to ask myself the question about my desire for a child trying to impose it on me.

All the women I know have been asked this question. All.

Perhaps those who answered “yes” were less traumatized, it’s up to them to say. There are certainly some who have had a child when they weren’t meant for it, others who have been disappointed with the experience or who wish they had taken more time.

For some of those like me who said no, it has become a recurring battle,
an affirmation of individuality. They are denied their desires for freedom and choice
of his life, this is not insignificant. And since we are required to justify this choice regularly, it was necessary to rationalize this position, especially when the socially acceptable material conditions for having a child occurred one after another: having finished school, having a full-time and time job. indeterminate, be financially comfortable, have a stable relationship for several years …

The injunction to justify oneself when one does not want a child

I have rationalized this position with valid and logical arguments. And even now that I’ve gone through, I still find them true. I said that having a child is selfish, that you don’t have a child for him, but for yourself. That our planet is dying for being too populated and too polluted, that having a child only contributes to the problem and that his life, the trials he will have to overcome will be profoundly different from those we have known, and much more difficult.

I also said that I wanted to do a lot of things, and having a child would close me off a lot of possibilities due to lack of time and mental space. That the desire for transmission did not have to be satisfied by a person who creates himself: this puts pressure on him; and it is not only the family model that educates and transmits.

For me the worst argument is probably the fear of loneliness in old age: a child is not responsible for us as we get older, and it is in no way an insurance against loneliness and abandonment. He owes us nothing.

And then I was afraid of it unbalance my couple, being overwhelmed by household chores And
the mental load – because reproduction exacerbates sexual distribution e unbalanced tasks within the straight couple, at the expense of the woman, of course. I was afraid of losing my individuality and living only for the child as I worry about taking care of others.

My ambivalence about parenting

I have developed a deep ambivalence on the subject of having children. I struggle to explain it to myself: although for a long time my answer to questions on this point has always been an emphatic noun, discussions have always been emotionally charged, and inexplicably brought tears to my eyes.

Perhaps it is due to the fear of losing something, because it is a fairly universal human experience, but I have never quite understood where this undermined feeling came from. . And then it is a choice that makes you dizzy, so irreversible is it, for yourself and especially for the little person you create or not. We can’t tell “ Come on, I’m trying to have a baby and if I don’t like it more I’ll go ahead “.

We bought an apartment together, but it was out of the question to get one
two pieces. We needed an extra room for the office and “just in case”. My partner suggested doing a vasectomy, but I preferred to put a copper IUD, even if it meant suffering and developing anemia. When it expired, I removed it but inserted it
do not replace it with any contraceptive. We just decide to be careful.

With tears in my eyes, once again, I explain to my midwife that I don’t want children, but how old can we be anyway?

Gradually, I changed my mind about parenting

Then the lines moved. Not suddenly, gradually. I see several passages
Impressive.

The first was when my best friend, also anti-child, told me she
she had planned to have a child with her boyfriend. I think she was afraid of me
feel betrayed, or that I despise his turnaround, whenshowed me we had the right
to change your mind without losing your personality. We discussed whether we would rather have a
girl or boy, even though we knew it didn’t matter.

The second stop was a concert by one of my favorite artists, Amanda Palmer. She has
had a child in old age, this concert was more than a concert: it was a real concert
feminist collective therapy, of great power. There was talk of parenthood, decision, couple, pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion … Many of us ended the event in tears.

Discussions with parents around me have for a long time given me the impression that the desire to have children is innate, that people who want to start a family have always had this desire, even if it is not their immediate project. We rarely talk about the construction of this desire, the negotiations and reorders that take place around it: in the couple, in one’s life.

Hearing other voices on this topic, like that of this artist, has changed my perception of it.

At the exit my husband and I go for a glass of wine on the terrace until late, smoke a cigarette or two. Let’s talk about the possibility of having a child.

A few months later, I got pregnant

Three months later, Covid arrives. We are in the void, withdrawn into the hearth. My theater lessons stop, no more going out, no more friends, we are afraid for our loved ones and for ourselves. A new space – a dizzying void – is opening up in our lives. After the 1st birth, we adopt Seitan, the most adorable and cuddly cat in the world. At the end of October, my best friend gives birth to a baby girl.

Soon after I lose my grandfather to Covid, then my grandmother to old age. They are
the first relatives (very relatives) who leave me. It is brutal and heartbreaking.

After an extraordinary Christmas, each in our respective families, me and my partner
take a walk in a nice local park on a nice January day. I feel like I’m breathing a little after months of apnea. Let’s talk about life, about transmission. We tell ourselves that we will pay less attention, and then in six months, when that has given nothing, we could really start. We make love on the way home.

BIM.

From the first shot.

I wish I could ask the question without interference

I had doubts about my desire for a child (again and again), about my ability to integrate into my life a child I liked the way he was, about my ability to love him. One of my great fears was that of hating my son for the too many concessions I risked having to make to my well-being, to my freedom. I also had the completely irrational fear that any fears I had would physically mark him, or alter his brain, or that he would perceive rejection and his development would be affected. And I was totally convinced that I was going to experience postpartum depression. It must be said that I have had health problems related to pregnancy that have not really helped me to feel good at this time of my life.

The questions and the fear ceased only when he arrived, pushed by my partner, into his transparent cradle of motherhood. It was perfect, absolutely obvious that I could never have imagined. I was preparing for my love for him to take some time to build, it was love at first sight.

thank god nobody told me “ See, I told you you’d change your mind “It’s true, I changed my mind. If I had been left without children, I would not have known this happiness there, this corner of growth, these new experiences, this camaraderie that I did not suspect with other parents. However, I am sure that other happiness, other fulfillment. it would take up the space.

But above all, above all: I don’t care that you were right on this point. First you would have done
it could have been wrong. You are wrong for many people. Also, I would always blame you because I wish I could have asked the question.

Don’t feel this pressure, this ambivalence, don’t get the impression that my choice has been stolen from me. Being able to do things at my own pace and without interference.

I would have liked to be sure this wish was mine, and not the result of intense
pro-child lobbying filled me all my life. I wished I didn’t feel terror
regret, whatever my choice and until the last second, because I was inside
the impossibility of distinguishing between the two. And I wish I hadn’t wasted my energy asking myself all these questions for decades.

Photo credit: Anthony Tran / Unsplash