Help, how to make peace between angry friends when you are an adult?

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a more or less subtle touch of humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question of the week

“Dear Daronne,

How do we reconcile when we are adults and can no longer make peace like we did when we were children? I miss my close teenage friendships and sometimes I would like to find this simplicity again and not spend weeks of awkward distance when I argue with my friends.

Judith »

Daronne’s response

My little Monica,

Frankly, I’m not sure I follow you when it comes to nostalgia. But it must be said that as a teenager I was educated in the French version of boarding school Lolita despite myself and let’s say it frankly: it was war!

Often for no reason (in my opinion, because even then I had the wisdom and modesty for which I am known today), my entire group would turn their backs on me and refuse to talk to me for several days. I only managed to extricate myself from my misfortune through complicated strategies and calculations – which systematically excluded another member of the group, because life is a bitch – until the end of puberty.

It was long.

I’ll grant you this though: in our youthful relationships there was a certain exaltation that perhaps is missing in adulthood where everything is more… soft.

At the time we loved each other in life and in death, to the point of doing completely stupid things like pricking our fingers with a compass to mix our blood on an A4 Clairfontaine sheet of paper. Today, the liveliest displays of friendship boil down to trying to plan a drink as soon as possible and still manage to have dinner together within six months…

The codes of friendship in adulthood

Maybe what you consider coldness and distance is just a busy life that prefers to let time do its work and meet peacefully a little later? Because we don’t lie to ourselves, the omnipresent intensity in our friendships as teenagers and children has become the number one enemy of adult friendships!

A new girl who’s too pushy? Ooh, what does she want from me… Chelou, come on, ghost me. A friend who is angry because we canceled twice? Stop stressing me out man, we’re not married… (Good thing, damn, I feel sorry for her boyfriend.)

Adult friendship, at least in my opinion, takes its time, doesn’t take offense at text messages that go unanswered despite a “seen” mention, and perfectly accepts that before we take each other seriously, we’ll at least disappoint each other twice. This is the basis.

Less sustained, but more serene: today arguing with your best friend (we are no longer used to drinking alcohol, so after half a drink we say nonsense) no longer rhymes with solitary exile behind the service room until the end of the school year!

Explaining in a healthy way between consenting adults

Having said that, in case of disagreement, I think it is perfectly possible to make peace as before, even after 17 years.

Although they are less intense, respectful relationships between adults are based on the same mechanisms as respectful relationships between children (does this exist?): listen and understand!

If someone is wrong, they apologize and don't do it again; if no one is at fault and in fact it's just that everyone has misunderstood (95% of the complaints listed), we explain, give ourselves time to digest and move on to something else.

If a situation is weighing on you, never hesitate to put your pride aside and take the first step.

Accept (or not) that people change

Sometimes we argue for a very specific reason: for example, we hit our childhood friend's mother while we were driving drunk and/or we still haven't paid him back the 30,000 euros he lent us five years ago. Trifles, really.

Sometimes it's just time and life that separate us, like when a former friend develops values ​​that now contradict ours.

Should we remain on good terms with a person who intends to vote for Éric Zemmour, under the pretext that ten years ago they were destroying the system of free parties? I do not believe. Sometimes you have to agree to get back on the road, taking the good memories with you, but leaving the misogynistic and racist friend on the back burner.

Knowing how to move on

Friendly crises are painful, but they allow you to sort things out and question yourself.

We need to know how to separate ourselves and accept that on the path of friendship some will take the next exit (what I say today is beautiful, don't you think?) while others will finish the journey with us despite the speed bumps and traffic jams. And it is always possible to make peace with these.

Come on, I'll leave you, I have a knitting herbal tea evening with the former students of the 1984 class!

The kiss,

Your daughter

Listen to Laisse-moi kiffer, Madmoizelle's cultural advice podcast.