Help, I’m in a free relationship and my boyfriend sleeps with his other partner, but no longer with me

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years. Before him I had long favored free relationships. When I met him, he wanted exclusivity and I was in love enough to “settle” for him. Like all couples, we have had our ups and downs and a year ago we realized that we had become a very planning couple. Sex has always been very important to us and we almost didn’t do it anymore, we spent all the evenings together, often in front of the TV or with the same friends, in short we got drunk.

We talked about my past open relationships and my boyfriend told me he was curious, that maybe this was the solution to spice up our lives after all. So we decided to open up our relationship. We were together and living our lives separately, but six months ago my boyfriend started seeing a girl more and more often.

So often that he spends almost all his free time with her, even though we live together. Our sex life, which was once again in good shape, gradually died out again. I try to seduce him, to make him want me, but he tells me that he is tired, that he doesn’t want it… Furthermore he no longer has much tenderness, he is less interested in my life…

I didn’t pressure him, but I still ended up asking him if his distance was related to his other partner. He tells me no, obviously, and I don’t dare insist too much, because after all: it was my idea and he does what he wants. But something worries me and I have to say I’m starting to get very jealous… This is the best, isn’t it?

Tell me what you think, dear Daronne of hearts,

Sandra

Daronne’s response

My little ski suit,

Few television shows find favor in my eyes. I especially hate reality shows. Except when I’m very trashy, and I don’t talk about that Selling the sunset garbage. I can indulge, as long as the show threatens at all times to fall into the True Crime genre.

For a long time I was passionate about it Sister wives American. Before I discovered these women on screen, who weren’t actually sisters to each other (well, most of the time), I had heard of polygamy. Which has nothing to do with polyamory, but that’s not the point. In short, we followed families that were presumably not similar to others, since there were on average four women for every man.

After a few episodes in which I was fascinated by a world whose apparent simplicity and kindness would almost make us forget its dirty patriarchal roots, I came to the following conclusion: polygamy is a pass for guys who are not allowed to divorce. Despite its sulphurous titre, Sister wives showed us nothing more than a straight couple living in roommates with middle-aged women. It was quite bad for the others, who were perfectly aware of it, but also had no right to leave.

You will then have to determine whether your man simply loves his free relationship and, like everyone else, has a fluctuating libido, or if for him the free relationship is the opportunity to have an adulterous affair without anyone being able to blame him.

What are the rules of polyamory?

Look, I don’t know. Well, I suppose it’s like everywhere: there are no general ones. It is useless to remind you that your boyfriend has no duty regarding sexual relations and that, ultimately, nothing pushes him to justify his intimate choices. Furthermore, some couples don’t have sex at all, without it meaning anything. In short, we are free and we must not force ourselves or try to adapt to patterns.

If readers are concerned about polyamory and open relationships, perhaps they can tell us: Do they have several “equivalent” romantic relationships? Are they in a relationship with someone and having affairs and dating “for fun” at the same time? What are the rules?

Choosing polyamory for the right reasons

Having said that, I would like to give you an exclusively mine opinion, without being particularly polemical: I think that there are many people made for polyamory, and certainly many more than those who currently practice it. That said, I don’t think everyone is cut out for this. I do not subscribe to the theory of exclusivity as a social construct. Whether this is the case or not, the polyamorous model has enough specificity that it may not be suitable for everyone. We can evolve and change positions, or not.

Hence polyamory should not be considered for the wrong reasons. For example: avoiding having to dump someone, holding onto a departing spouse, still being able to get something from someone you love, or even impressing the gallery. You really have to be able to love more than one person romantically or sexually at the same time. Some are perfectly capable of it, others will only ever have one person in mind. And then there are those who could have, but prefer to limit themselves to one for practical reasons.

If you’re wondering if you’re legitimate enough to hold your boyfriend accountable: yes, because all the situations that make us unhappy deserve to be addressed. You can have a calm conversation, in which you share your doubts with him before announcing that the situation currently does not satisfy you.

Depending on his reaction, you will already be further ahead: he either denies, leans or even admits that he has a crush on this girl and there, but more on you. And you will make the necessary decision. In any case, this conversation will allow you to establish rules suitable for both of you to live peacefully in this new configuration.

I’ll leave you, I’m going to watch my favorite soap opera with this actor. With Daron we reached an agreement: I have the right to sleep with him in my head, as much as I want.

The kiss,

Your Daronne

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