After 8 years together and soon to be married, I doubt my relationship

I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight years, yet I don’t always feel justified in talking about a relationship, because before him I feel like I’ve never had a relationship. So obviously sometimes it’s hard to place me.

My boyfriend, a simple and sweet meeting

I met my boyfriend during my studies. On the other hand, part of the same group of friends, and neither one nor the other beautifying experience, come to the first place so that the man can understand that the man is interested in everyone the two. That said, once we got together, communication was pretty easy.

Eventually, we each moved to different cities and spent our first few years in a long-distance relationship where we only saw each other on weekends. I really appreciated it, because our personal balance was not upset. We were able to carry on our activities and our friends without becoming a close couple, which suited me perfectly. It allowed us to know ourselves, to simply set our limits, taking our time.

After about three years we moved in with the same roommate and then moved in together. I was very apprehensive about the idea of ​​living together, afraid of forgetting myself in the couple, of having to compromise… And paradoxically I was also afraid of taking up too much space compared to my boyfriend.

In the end everything went well, we quickly created our habits and routine. Today we almost pass for an old couple. We are quite stable materially and emotionally, we support each other and love each other. I’m grateful for that.

Commitment in the midst of doubt

Yet, amidst this apparent tranquility, I always had doubts about being in a relationship. The first few years together I regularly had anxiety attacks, moments of heartbreak where I realized that I was no longer alone, that I was becoming attached to another person in a very “solid” way. I felt like I was fighting against too strong a current, like I was losing control of my life.

Yet, years later, I still don’t know if I’ve lost anything.

Now that we live together, I no longer feel these anxieties, but they have been replaced by new ones. It’s hard to talk about it with loved ones, because it’s hard to formulate it. “I love him, and yet I’m afraid we’ll suffocate in this relationship, I’m afraid we’ll stand still while the world moves, I’m afraid we’ll suffer for nothing, that we’ll keep the bitterness and accumulate it, and at 60 we’ll decree we’ve wasted our life.

My depression, my friends, my doubts and me

Last year. I had a depression from which I still haven’t fully recovered and the echoes of my friends, who until then had been rather admiring of my relationship, have evolved. Some have told me “you don’t communicate enough”, I have been asked about my development with him. I started seeing a psychologist and people close to me prophesied that if I learned to put into words what I felt, but he didn’t, things would get complicated between us…

Some friends tell me that everything seems to be going well between us, while others are immediately alarmed as if 5 years have already passed since we should have stopped everything, ready to blame my boyfriend even though the relationship is quite healthy. It’s difficult to receive such different and, above all, clear opinions when I’m the type who doubts a lot myself.

Furthermore, I know that to get out of my depressive state and move forward in my life, I would have to change important things, such as where I live and my job. And I fear that this change will not be compatible with coexistence. I think he is worried too, because he tells me that he would like to help me, but he can’t promise me anything.

Who am I to take her into a whirlwind with me? And at the same time, if we were both caught, would I have the resources, the energy?

Sometimes I feel like I have to choose between me and us, that everyone has a different opinion on the topic and that the outcome is uncertain.

Marriage, whatever it is

My doubts don’t stop us from evolving. Two years ago she proposed to me and it was a real slap in the face. I was expecting the request, but I still don’t know what it really means for me.

When you announce your wedding, you accept everyone’s projections and this leaves little room for your imagination. Even if we say that “in reality” nothing will change, I have the feeling of locking myself in a straight jacket, full of injunctions on the “classic” family, something that distorts love. If you think about it, this is already the case of the couple, but marriage is a “turbo-couple”.

Somehow, I wonder a lot about the role of social pressure in my relationships… Of course I talked about it with my boyfriend. I told him he scared me, for everything he represents. He seems happy and confident, and that doesn’t reassure me too much.

Doubting doesn’t mean wishing for a breakup

Finally, I have great doubts, but nevertheless I cannot imagine the breakup. I have already thought about separation, that is, living separately, as at the beginning of our relationship, but it seems like a bad idea to me, because after all, cohabitation is part of my balance.

When I take a step back, I know that right now I feel at a dead end from many points of view, that the issue of the couple becomes central because it is a bit like “the positive thing that must not be damaged”. »

Also, I have a lot of expectations for after the wedding. I sincerely hope that once I pass, I will free myself from these expectations. I’m looking forward to it!

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