I’m only attracted to bad boys. Does this make me a bad feminist?

Twice a month, Charlotte answers anonymous questions from our readers and debunks clichés about our love lives.

A question ? Write to us at [email protected].

Hi Carlotta,

I am a 26 year old single woman and have considered myself a feminist since I was a child. For as long as I can remember, I have been interested in women’s rights and gender equality. From a personal point of view, I am very attached to my life as an independent woman. But the point is this: for several years now I have had a series of disappointments in love. The reason is that I’m only attracted to bad boys and I suffer from this gap between my beliefs and those of the men I choose. Furthermore, I feel guilty to death, because I feel like I’m the worst feminist scam of the century. At that time, Today I ask my question loud and clear : Why do I keep being attracted to bad boys and does that make me a bad feminist?

Dear Anonymous,

Let’s start by saying the terms: bad feminists don’t exist. Unless there is a God – or goddess, for that matter – of feminism who has a monopoly on the issue and is able to judge our activism. But as far as I know it doesn’t exist, or at least not yet, so let’s take advantage of it while there’s still time.

A concept to make us feel guilty

The bad feminist is just another concept invented to denigrate women and pit them against each other – and yes, sorry to disappoint you, but there is still work to be done. In reality, there are only feminists who want to end a world where women are dominated, exploited and violated with each passing day. Everyone campaigns on their own scale, doing their best with the means they have, whether material or immaterial. Separating the good feminists from the bad ones serves no purpose other than to make us feel guilty, and above all, it’s just further proof that we live in a misogynistic world that constantly compares women to each other and ranks them from best to worst (no pun intended).

As for your attraction as a feminist to macho men, don’t they say opposites attract? And even if you forget the sayings from another century, know that no matter what you fight for, you have the right to be attracted to whoever you want, and that doesn’t change your value. Furthermore, paradoxes are part of being human, so what you carry inside you today only makes you more human.

Questioning the way we view romantic relationships

I don’t have a ready answer to explain your attraction, because these are things that can’t be explained. On the other hand, I can tell you that – although you may already know it – the vast majority of us have built ourselves through sexist clichés in a heteronormative society. In other words, we women have been taught to be kind, submissive and, above all, to be attracted to men, who are supposed to be the embodiment of strength and dominance. There is therefore nothing surprising in the fact that these patterns have also infiltrated our fantasies and our sexuality, and that they persist despite our attempts at deconstruction.

One avenue of reflection might be to question your conception of romantic relationships in general: to have value, do they have to be “hot,” “chaotic,” or even “dramatic”? If I ask this question it is because our imagination has been shaped over time also through cartoons, films and romantic series (a big kiss to all fans of Sex and the city).

Review these projects

The latter have often given us a rather problematic conception of what our loves should be: a desperate princess saved by a Prince Charming, a woman in love with a toxic man but who ends up changing her mind and settling down… Maybe this is the time to review these conceptions and, instead of opting for a so-called “passionate” love story, embark on a relationship in which the values ​​closest to yours take precedence – such as listening, respect, kindness. It might feel a little annoying at first, but if you experience what it’s like to feel understood and aligned with your desire for equality, you might eventually change your mind. Otherwise there is always the possibility of celibacy or even political lesbianism.

These questions are just food for thought; It’s up to you to find your answers and deal with them. But never forget one thing: you have the right to be attracted to whoever you want and this in no way changes your value as a person, nor as a feminist.

Sex & the Shitty is the bimonthly column that answers your problems to debunk the injunctions around sexuality and love life! Tell us your concerns or questions anonymously and our expert will take care of answering them. Existential questions, practical questions, taboo topics… Here the watchword is not judgments or injunctions, just information and kindness!

A question ? Write to us at, [email protected]with subject “Sex & the Shitty”!

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