Chronicle of a mother: does “mother’s anger” mean anything to you?

It’s Wednesday morning, the twins go to kindergarten. We prepare them by running after them in the apartment, a sock here, a sweater there, all punctuated by “Not the creeeeche » One takes off his shoe, the other shouts “peeeee » drops the coffee cup, licks a piece of toast that has fallen on the floor… we can’t find the pacifier, the slippers… I’ll take them this morning, but as usual, they want the other parent. They shout “nooo it’s dad”, “not mom”. They want him to take them, but it’s impossible, he has to leave, they grab his leg, I pull them, it’s already 9:10, shit, I have work too! And then, in a fit of rage, I scream “hell, come now, I’ll block his legs to put his shoes on “. I’m furious. My husband tells me: “Stop it, it’s useless.” I know but I can’t stop screaming and I’m ashamed.

How does my “mom anger” manifest itself?

These attack of anger, I’ve done it often, always, but obviously, exacerbated by motherhood. I don’t recognize myself in those moments. Moments before I was a sweet mom building Legos and suddenly I turned into an evil dragon. Listening to an episode of the Matrescence podcast, I discovered that this phenomenon had a name: “mother’s anger” or “maternal anger”. ». In this episode, Clémentine Sarlat welcomes Quebec citizen Lory Zephyr, doctor of psychology, and Jessica Brazeau, journalist. The two women created a podcast and Instagram page that I love How are you mum ?. Their goal: to talk without taboos about mothers’ mental health. So I wanted to know more about this famous maternal anger and I contacted Lory Zephyr.

Obviously this phenomenon affects many mothers. Everyone says that when these outbursts of anger occur they no longer recognize themselves. And the phrases that occur most often in group therapy are: “I don’t want to explode anymore”, “I’m ashamed”, “why do I put myself in this state? ». In my case, these outbursts of anger generally occur when I have the feeling that I have accepted it, that I have accepted it and that I can’t take it anymore, it overwhelms me. They disrespect me, my words have no effect on them. I am nothing. When I’ve told the kids 20 times to put away their things after the shower and I still find a ball of sweatpants under the bathtub, when I find out that they’ve found the Switch’s parental control code and have been playing happily for hours.

And does “daddy anger” exist?

Dads also express anger, but I have the impression that they don’t have these explosions, this one suddenly feeling overwhelmed. In my case, my husband’s behavior is rather stable and constant over time with the children. For Lory Zephyr this difference between fathers and mothers is linked to the sacred image of the perfect mother transmitted by the company. “A father can get angry, there is something much more accepted, underlines the specialist. She is a father who disciplines, who asserts herself, while the mother has no right to get angry, she will immediately be accused of being hysterical, of being crazy.” A mother must give everything to your children, sacrifice yourself, put your needs second, well after yourself, even if it means forgetting yourself. “Mother’s anger” is ultimately a clear manifestation of this gap between the expectations of mothers and those of fathers.

How do I get out?

I would have to endure this ad vitam uncontrollable irritability what affects my children? What I try to do, when I later realize that my tantrums were out of proportion, is to apologize. I go back to visit them and tell them: “ Ok, I exaggerated and I explain to them that I didn’t scream because of this pair of socks lying around, but because of an accumulation of things, some of which were external to them. “. It’s important, I think, to be able to do that ask the other to forgive us when we go beyond the framework of respect. But otherwise, what should we actually do before the crisis? “ I would like the parent not to simply say ‘I don’t want to live with all this anymore’, but to reflect on what led to this crisis, concludes Lory Zephyr. The more you ask yourself the question, the more you will be able to do it recognize the firstfruits within you and changing things in your environment that cause you to lose balance. »

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