“He needs a father figure”: what if we left single mothers alone?

“You know ma’am, your daughter would probably do better in class if there was a dad at home. » This phrase has been part of my daily life for years.

After my parents separated, 4.30pm was no longer the time to reunite with the children, but the time of judgment for my mother. Sometimes, this “paternal presence (or absence?)” followed us into the doctor’s office. Incredible but true, my mother told me that we had already included my brother’s rhino in the composition of our family unit…

“No dad” quickly became the cause of many of our worries by shortcut. This discourse was so trivialized in my childhood that only now do I realize it had no place. I want to understand why we target single mothers with this damn father figure. Is it really essential for the good development of a child or did my mother (and many other women) get drunk for years for nothing?

“Wouldn’t it be better with a man in the house? »

“Being targeted by someone you entrust your child to and almost being scolded for not being a good mother is a little difficult to digest”confides Amandine, a single mother of two young children.

Yes, because maybe we don’t think about it at the moment, but suggesting to someone that they would do better to review the organization of their home, in addition to being – very – inappropriate, can be degrading for the mother.

“The mother’s feelings and reaction to this type of observation will be different depending on the person, their experience, their wounds, the way it is structured, but also depending on the history of parental separation”

Sophie Tournouër, clinical psychologist

The family and couples therapist, specialized in psychotraumatology, explains that if the mother is called into question by a professional while she is going through difficult times or is in a certain fragility, the observation could have a greater impact on her.

“My separation, I knew it would be the best decision for my children. I have never been ashamed of my situation, but I was annoyed by the comments of some who reduced everything to the absence of the father in our house”says Martine, mother of four children and separated for almost 20 years.

Amandine admits that she has redoubled her efforts to prove that she can manage her family without a man.

“I put myself under pressure to ensure that my daughters behave impeccably in every way. I want to be blameless so I no longer have to deal with “wouldn’t it be better with a man at home?” “, but it’s exhausting. »

Amandine, single mother of two young children

However, Martine’s experience shows that this does not change the other’s perspective. “My children were already impeccable, I knew the comments would stick because I was imitated as soon as I spoke about my situation. »

The father figure, real necessity or convenient shortcut?

But then, if the observation seems almost inevitable, is it at least justified? Is the child’s balance automatically threatened without the father at home?

Sophie Tournouër first points out that every situation is unique and that there is no universal answer to this question. The expert then points out that if a father is violent or abusive, this can create more psychological damage than the absence of one.

“We must also distinguish between physical, emotional, logistical absences… There can be many different types of absences that do not generate the same effects depending on the position that this father previously occupied and depending on the father’s level of development. ‘child at the moment it occurs’

Sophie Tournouër, clinical psychologist

“It’s just that at school we don’t necessarily want the precise history to be known, we shouldn’t justify ourselves”Martine replies.

Amandine, who left an abusive relationship, even reports that some remarks went so far as to make her feel guilty. “I started telling myself that perhaps I would indirectly harm my children by imposing my choice on them”he admits.

Furthermore, Sophie Tournouër explains that if a child who no longer lives with his father encounters behavioral or learning difficulties, it is important to carry out diagnostic explorations so as not to miss, for example, an attention deficit disorder, a language disorder (dyslexia, etc. .) or otherwise and not to rely on the simple hypothesis of “ he no longer has his father “.”

“Sometimes this “justification” arises from the professional’s difficulty in helping the child”, continues the psychologist. This is why the psychologist underlines the fact that it is essential to focus on finding “how” to help the child and not focus on “why” he has this problem.

Society’s changing view of single mothers

Despite everything, Sophie Tournouër is keen to underline that times are changing when it comes to parenting standards: today there are many more single-parent families than in the past (in this case 25% of parents).

And although it still happens that mothers are scolded by some teachers, perhaps it is because they are not always aware of the identification of certain disorders during their training and are content to find a simplistic explanation. And then, in front of a class of 30 students, it is not always easy to concentrate on the difficulties of a child.

However, we note that things are moving in the right direction. Martine, whose children are now grown, remembers the comments “several times a month”while Amandine admits that she has only dealt with it about ten times.

Above all, Sophie Tournouër supports the idea that there are balanced children with only one mother (or two!). “Often, in the absence of the father, there is a male figure (uncle, grandfather, sports instructor, teacher, etc.) who can take on an identifying function for the child. »

Single mothers already have enough on their plate to handle it all, so maybe we can stop rubbing their marital situation in their faces at the slightest hint from their kids, right?

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