Chronicle of a mother: I’m not friends with mothers at school (I assume)

This post is taken from the weekly newsletter “Le Balagan” by our editor-in-chief Candice Satara. Candice is the mother of four boys ages 2 to 12. To receive it you can sign up for free here.

As a matter of fact, I’m not friends with school moms. Should I accept it, resign myself? However, having a fairly small circle of friends, I told myself that this could be the case the opportunity to find new relationships, even new friends. Who knows huh? I have a friend (hi ​​Sarah) who is going on holiday with the parents of her son’s school friends. But hey, it didn’t work. There have been some attempts, like these kindergarten parents with whom we had a few aperitifs, a long time ago, but they separated, it gave me shivers. When we met, she always told me very cheerfully: “We’re having Candiiiice coffee, absolutely “, “What, you’re on morning leave, I’m in the office right now, I’m coming to see you » He never came to see me.

There’s always a reason why it doesn’t stick

There’s another one with whom I also went for a bit of jogging in the park, yes, yes. She warned me that during the race she was focused and she wasn’t talking to anyone. So it wasn’t very fun, we didn’t repeat it. Ah, I still think of a couple with whom it could have been a match, we had dinner with them and vice versa, we got along quite well, but the problem is that in fact our children were not friends (too bad), they also quickly sent their daughters to school in the local private sector. Disappeared. When I think that I lent him a book that I like, it bothers me a little. Never lend your books.

Having no more news from them, we had imagined all the scenariosThey separated “Look, he no longer has the same name on Linkedin”. They left for the provinces. “And if we had been too annoying, do you remember that at that dinner we talked about religion, racism, maybe we scared them?” . Bottom line, I met mom last September in the neighborhood with these two gigantic girls. When she saw the twins, she looked at me with wide eyes. She told us that she had just come out of a long absence due to illness, from a serious professional burnout, now things were better, she seemed in excellent shape. I could have texted him to buy him a coffee, but I didn’t.

I think I’m not sociable

See, when I see an old acquaintance on the sidewalk out front, I’m more the type to do it raze the wall so you don’t have to talk to him. I remember last summer, when I accompanied my children to the station who were going to camp for the first time in their lives, among the parents there were people I knew, even from the camp. Impossible for me to go and talk to them, a mixture of shyness, “if this happens they won’t recognize me”, and laziness. I can’t get close to others, I have difficulty taking the first step, sometimes I’m hostile without realizing it. “Did you see how you looked at them? You could be warmer. When friends invite us to dinner and I discover that there are other people I don’t know or know very little, I’m petrified for a few seconds, just enough time to tell myself, everything will be fine, you’ll get over it. But I’m not wild either, with the ones I really lovethose with whom the barrier of “appearance” is broken, those with whom I feel safe, I give there without counting. AND I’m a different person at work, empathetic and fun manager, I assure you that yes. Finally, you have to ask them!

School, subway, work, sleep

But let’s go back to the school mothers. There is also a parameter to take into consideration, I have always worked, I rarely went to pick up the children at 4.30pm, this necessarily limits exchanges and collusion. In the morning I left them and continued my day. Tchik Tchak, here we are, I rush to the subway, everyone starts their day. Of course I envied those in jogging bottoms who, I know, were on their way home, after the children were dropped off. Those who took the time to have a coffee under the school, is that where the relationship was created?

Sometimes, drunk with joy, I could collect them at 4.30pm. But too shy, I stayed away from other mothers, totally alone, holding my chocolate pain like a treasure. And the two went out with their coats in hand (even in winter) and hardly took me into account. Is there anything more indifferent than a child leaving school? “Where’s my snack?” ” I am thirsty “, ” Hold my bag.” Those days, I told myself “What’s the point? I should have gone get my nails done instead ». I forgot to tell you about birthday snacks, about those slightly embarrassing moments when your parents tell you about it “Go get it at 6pm and we’ll have a cup.” A glass of champagne… in a stranger’s living room, with other strangers? It’s too much for me. Sometimes there are some that appear, right from the beginning of the birthday, “I’ll help you, with all these children, poor thing “, “Noooo “. And let’s not talk about the birthday parties organized in the park where parents are invited to… watch their children. Even more annoying are the arguments between two games and a smashed piñata. But there are surely some of you who like this conviviality, chat while eating Haribos, talk about trivialities while sipping apple juice, frankly I admire your relational ease.

It’s my fault ?

My second is now in fifth grade and has been going to and from school alone for quite a while. You will no longer have to worry about acting like a girl immersed in his phone to avoid the gaze of the machine that judges me because I didn’t vote in the parent-teacher elections. Exchanges with mothers are limited to WhatsApp, some discussions on the sidewalk, but nothing more. For the record in college, it’s OVER. The parent is not trying to establish any relationship with you.

Sometimes I tell myself it’s a shame, I often tell myself it’s my fault, am I not polite? It’s always this ambivalence that ruins my life a little, let’s say it. I don’t like anyone, but I would like more friends, I don’t like going out, but I don’t want to put a limit on my social life. I love my kids intensely and I hate them (not intensely). But the good thing about my family setup is this I have a second chance haha: twins! They arrived 10 after the others. And everything repeats itself as if by magic with this permanent feeling of déjà vu: the shitty nights, the poop everywhere, the overshoes in the children’s bedroom, the food flying here and there. They start school in September.

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