I’m 40 years old, a virgin and asexual and everything is fine with me

I am a 40 year old virgin woman. These few words apparently seem trivial, but in reality they were not easy to say at the beginning and even less to admit.

One reason it has never been easy to openly acknowledge is simply our society. Sex is an integral part of the couple; that’s what I’ve always thought. I could point the finger at the cinema, which even as a child had the unfortunate tendency to show sex scenes, even if very implicit – many will surely remember those particularly embarrassing moments when a scene became a little more daring during a family reunion. visualization. Even modern literature, which however has the advantage of addressing adolescents in the process of discovering their own body and sexuality.

However, it would be a lie if I said it’s just because of cinema and my reading I finally felt a little ashamed realizing I was still a virgin while celebrating my twenties.

Being a virgin, a label I thought was embarrassing

However, there was no shortage of opportunities.. The first opportunity I had was with a man who was almost twice my age and who I met on a dating site; because young, naive and very reckless at that time, I wanted to get rid of this “virgin” label pretty quickly. For the occasion we also met in a hotel room. It didn’t end well because I felt purely like a piece of meat despite his caresses on the normally erogenous zones. There was no desire ; worse still, I even felt a slight disgust at the idea of ​​going any further, of touching him. But rest assured, he was very elegant and completely accepted that I withdrew my consent, without attempting emotional blackmail or trying to convince me to continue. He simply left me in a corner not too far from my house and hoped that he had managed to give me some self-confidence despite everything.

I also had other opportunities; people I’ve been in relationships with. One of my exes in particular reinforced this idea that sex was essential in a relationship; because it was the vision of him having a relationship. For him a couple was “friends who sleep together”. He wasn’t the only one who thought so. For many people around me, having an affair meant “sleeping with” ; and for just as many people around me, having a platonic relationship was considered friendship, since there was no such thing as sex.

Despite all the opportunities I’ve had, with several boyfriends, I’ve long – wrongly – blamed my inexperience for keeping me from reaching the level. The hardest thing for me was recognizing my lack of sexual desire towards othersmy non-existent desire or even, sometimes, my disgust for the thing, because for some time I have perceived sexuality as a normal thing in a couple, something that everyone feels.

This is also something my friends never suspected. I don’t fit this virgin cliché that many people seem to imagine, because I learned to talk and joke quite freely and openly on the topic of sexuality. I simply didn’t want to admit my virginity and my inexperience in the matter, both to my friends and my flirts. Unfortunately, this is also why many people today do not believe me or have difficulty when I admit that I am still a virgin and asexual on top of that.

Read also: I am asexual and would like to be left alone

The discovery of my asexuality, a relief

I also think what energized me was discussing all of this with people on the Internet just two years ago. The lack of judgment on the part of strangers that allowed me to completely empty my bag. This is what allowed me to become aware of particularly evident facts, such as my asexuality, through external perspectives. Until then I had never thought about the why and how ; because I didn’t feel any sexual desire, because I didn’t feel excited when others besides me were, or would have been in my place. It did me a lot of good to finally be able to get to know myself better and understand how I work, or how I don’t work.

Asexuality wasn’t something I had considered. I am capable of giving myself pleasure, because I can experience a rather “mechanical” pleasure despite my non-existent sexual desire towards others. However, I believe that it would have been easier for me from the beginning if someone had told me some things, which I would like to convey with this testimony.

First of all, sex is not a default norm in a couple. Some work with it, some without, and that’s important to point out.

After, a platonic relationship is not “just friendship”. A platonic relationship is non-sexual or non-romantic. However, I find it a shame to summarize the idea with “it’s friendship”. It remains a bond stronger than a simple friendship in both cases. I have already been in a platonic relationship, which was accepted as such, unlike my other relationships where I had not been able to say I was a virgin, nor did I know I was asexual. It was a very beautiful relationship, in which I was able to flourish, and the feelings I experienced were in no way “purely friendly”.

Finally, Being a virgin is not an embarrassing label or something to be “fixed”.

In my case, I stopped feeling ashamed or embarrassed the moment I realized I was asexual, because now I simply consider it proof that I have listened to myself and continue to do so. I’m 40 years old, I’m a virgin and asexual and I never forced myself to do anything. To say that I am completely happy would be a half-lie. I’m happy as I am, but I would obviously be happier if virginity and asexuality could be more perceived as completely normal elements in our society, or even more represented in the media.

* The name has been changed.

Add Madmoizelle to your favorites on Google News so you don’t miss any of our articles!