Aline Laurent-Mayard: “We must deconstruct the guilt of people who cannot or do not want to have a relationship”

Interview with Aline Laurent-Mayard, author of “Post-romantic” (JC Lattès)

To miss. Why did you write this book?

Aline Laurent-Mayard. After my podcast Free from desire, I wanted to explore the notion of friendship in relation to that of a couple. The idea is to analyze the injunction to the couple, its origins, its consequences and propose alternatives. I approach my thinking by looking for ideas in different fields, literature, history, sexuality studies, sociology. By giving important space to testimonies, including mine, I wanted the contents to remain accessible and not just theoretical.

How does romantic love affect us from childhood?

This leads to many behaviors that seem harmless. For example, parents who say among friends, “Your son and my daughter would make a great couple” or when we ask a child if he has a lover. With these reflections the child begins to think about his future as a couple, it is inevitable. It is also very present in fiction, in stories, in cartoons, we overwhelmingly see the same family model with a father and a mother.

From middle school, establishing a relationship becomes important, it is the sign of maturity, demonstrating that you are attractive, desirable.

Why do we maintain this fiction in society?

What I discovered while writing this book is this the feeling of love and the romantic couple have not always had the place they have in society. It was in the 19th century, with the rise of individuality and the romantic movement, that the feeling of love became superior and highly valued, described as liberating. The romantic couple established itself where the agreed upon couple had dominated the history of humanity. With the gradual independence of women and the secularization of society, romance serves as a new religion with its cultits festivals, its objects or its dogmas.

In recent years, several works on the Romantic Revolution have been published: how does your book fit into this global social reflection?

I have a different position than many authors, because I am aromatic, I know what life as a couple is like, the pressure to find a partner, but I don’t feel any romantic feelings. This led me to so many very recent thoughts, I had to wait until I was 35 before I realized I had never had a crush.

We need to deconstruct the guilt of people who can’t or don’t want to have a relationship. Unfortunately, we quickly get caught up in everyday life, because society is not designed for singles. We need to address the topic collectively to think about alternative systems in tax or real estate matters, because currently everything is based on the couple. For the couple to be a fulfilling place, it must also be fully chosen; this notion is crucial, especially in the context of domestic violence.

You mix personal stories, particularly about your parenting, and theoretical decryptions. Why is it important to speak in first person?

Narration in the first person is a strong tool for making the book accessible, engaging, human. On the other hand, I could write other people’s testimonies, but talking about my experiences allows me to highlight my identity as an aromantic, asexual, non-binary person and a single parent, gives visibility to people like me. I constantly receive messages from people telling me how highlighting my story allows others to gain insight into their identity and life journey.

You talk a lot about the idea of ​​starting a family differently. How does the deconstruction of romantic love help us rethink parenting?

It’s totally related. With the romantic couple we built this idea of ​​the self-sufficient couple, who have children without anyone around. Opening up the couple in every sense of the word allows us to give back a place in our lives to members of our blood or chosen families. Wondering how to parent when you’re outside of this mold constantly pushes you to think about how you build your life, who you raise your child with. All the alternative options I present in the book are very refreshing and show how both children and parents have everything to gain from rethinking family models.

What do you wish for love in 2024?

We have concrete solutions that exist beyond saying “we have to change our mentality”, there is a lot to do. I wish we started having a real discussion about what love is, because it’s not just about romance. We need to talk about all types of relationships, lifestyles, accompanied by better representation in the media.

Listen to Laisse-moi kiffer, Madmoizelle’s cultural advice podcast.