Julie, 40 years old and polyamorous: “I say I’m neither in a relationship nor single because I’m in a romantic relationship”

• Name or nickname : Julie or Kibizu
• Age : 40 years
• Place of life : expatriate in Prague (Czech Republic)
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : polyamorous in “anarel” (relational anarchy)

How long have you been single?

If single means living alone, then I have been single for five years, the date I left my children’s biological father. If single means never having been married and never wanting to, then I have always been single. But in fact, I tell myself “neither in a relationship, nor single”because I live in romantic relationships.

Since my teenage years, I have had periods where I was officially “in a relationship” with one romantic partner, and sometimes periods with multiple “sexual friends.” But I didn’t imagine a life other than settling down with a romantic partner once I finished my studies. And that’s what I did. After three years of relationship, partly long-distance, between Paris and Prague, I even emigrated to live in Prague with the future father of my children, it wasn’t a problem for me. It lasted seven years (so ten years total with him).

But the consolidated life of a couple clearly disgusted me with this scheme and several friends have also pleased me for the same reason, after their separation/divorce: they no longer live with a romantic partner.

How would you describe your single life?

No longer climbing what we call the “relational escalator” (i.e. planning a commitment as a couple according to predefined rules: flirting, defining yourself as a couple, living together, getting married, sharing finances, having children, growing old together, etc.) is a liberation! Although I have very intense emotional commitment to my romantic partnersI’m much calmer (and so are they) because I no longer risk finding myself stuck on this escalator.

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

YES. Some people absolutely did not understand my paradigm shift after separating from the father of my children. They believe that I am no longer capable of falling in love, simply because I no longer want to live with a romantic partner. They mix “romantic relationship” and “roommate relationship” and I am no longer “valid”, “serious”, “normal” if I don’t combine them. These people have distanced themselves from me or even cut ties, between my friends or family (fortunately not all).

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

Yes, that’s a relief! Even though I may seem like a bit of an ugly duckling : my separation, then the fact of no longer wanting to live as a couple, then the polyamorous relationships in Anarel [la pratique ou la conviction que les relations ne doivent pas être liées par des règles autres que celles sur lesquelles les personnes impliquées se sont mises d’accord, ndlr] … I don’t care about social recognition if it goes against my personal development; I’ve learned to do without it in recent years.

Does being single allow you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Obviously ! Living alone allows me to have moments of calm when I need it (even shared custody among other things), or to be able to plan certain moments in which I will be free to go out, to see the film I like, to go to have a drink or a dance…

Living alone also allows me to leave a partner who no longer suits me without financial consequences.. Once I had to throw away a one-night stand because it had disrespected me: I understood that there was no security in living together as I had been told, I had always sold, but in living alone.

Conversely, does being single stop you from doing things you might do if you were in a relationship?

Yes, it’s harder financially. I am much more careful with my spending than those living in couples around me. But safety is priceless for me.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

YES. In Prague it is more difficult to build a romantic relationship where the man does not wait for you to become his “love maid”, as I call it. The Czech Republic is one of the rare European countries that has not ratified the Istanbul Convention [contre la violence à l’égard des femmes et la violence domestique, ndlr] under the pretext that it calls into question the assignment of gender roles based on the sex of birth… Luckily there are exceptions!!

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

I have various romantic relationships. I’m even talking more about the “affective galaxy”. The butterflies in my stomach that I feel around someone who matters to me no longer depend on amatonormativity (those learned norms of Love that say that when we love someone, we automatically desire them sexually, or want to embark on the relational escalator again), etc. .).

I am in a long distance romantic relationship with a Frenchman who has been living in France for five years (at first he lived in Prague), and a more regular romantic relationship with a Czech man for two years ; but also various romantic and/or intimate relationships.

If I feel that my emotional galaxy is out of balance, I will also look for new relationships through meetings, through acquaintances or through dating sites. I have regular meetings every week with my Czech lover. With my French lover today he is more in “comet” mode, as we say in polyamorous jargon. With my other emotional/romantic relationships, it depends on the moment.

How would you describe your relationship with dating?

I like having it though this possibility of non-exclusivity, because it brings novelty, both for me and for my partners. I like it when one of my partners has stars in her eyes because he just met and he has them for me too.

Do you feel any pressure to “actively” look for a romantic partner?

I felt pressure when I was a student, especially in my 20s and 30s. Then when I separated from the father of my children at 35 and began my romantic relationship with my French lover five years ago, I was very surprised that the first questions after a few weeks of the relationship were: “ So when will you move in together? »… AND It often bothered me to be told that I wasn’t in love simply because we didn’t want to be. My romantic feelings for him were very present and still are!

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

I clearly distinguish the feeling of love from sexual desire. For example, with a gay friend who I’m very, very close to, we’ve already admitted to each other that we love each other very deeply, but our sex life is separate from that love. Likewise, I can desire someone without feeling romantic attraction. But sometimes the two can coexist.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

YES. But I’ve gotten into the habit of putting my foot down when people are surprised that I’m not “normal,” particularly when it comes to the relationship escalator and amateur-normativity. As long as I and my emotional galaxy are satisfied in this way, I don’t see the problem!

What are your plans for the future?

My ex escalator has one: I can no longer return to France unless I abandon my parental rights and my children… For the rest, living alone (as well as shared custody) allows me to organize myself and think about various professional or other projects.

Do you have a story about being single to share?

Regarding my lifestyle, I interpreted a poem I wrote in 2022, “The Dance of Death”:

I also have a YouTube channel where I develop my way of relating.