Giving up having another child, be it the second or fourth, can be a conscious or forced choice. It’s a decision that isn’t always easy to make, and when the mind is certain it’s making the right choice, the heart sometimes continues to suffer. How to mourn the loss of another child?
A sometimes difficult decision to make
Having the ability to choose the number of your children is ultimately a fairly recent possibility, arriving with the democratization of contraception and access to legal abortions. But that doesn’t mean it’s an easy choice to make. No children, an only child, two or more children, these are increasingly considered lifestyle choices.
Clémence decided to have only one child. “ I am convinced that with one more child I couldn’t be the mother I want to be.. I know that I would love a second child with all my heart, that I would like to see my siblings grow up – with all the risks that entails – but with all the energy that requires, I would have to make sacrifices that I don’t like.
I would have to deprive myself of what I need to feel in balance, or I would take this time for myself and regret not being able to develop the relationship with my children as I would like, with special time for each. I feel complete like this, even if I know that one more child would find its place: he will always be missed a little in my heart, but not in my life. »
Sarah’s experience also led her to not have a second child. “ The first was very complicated, especially in terms of sleep, I had severe postpartum depression and the pregnancy worsened my cyclothymia. Today I found calmer nights, my psychological problems are under control, I don’t want to take the risk of diving again.
There is also the fact that I don’t find children very interesting before the age of 3 or 4, I start to enjoy spending time with my son, we can do many things together, go on weekends with just a backpack bag, I want to continue to enjoy it! And last but not least, the birth of my son also marked the end of my relationship, but ultimately that’s a good thing. »
Elise has two children. If she and her husband don’t really think about a third child, she struggles with the idea of never having a daughter. “ For a third we would have to move house, car, but above all we are exhausted and we have to preserve our mental health. In any case, we can’t try to have children until we have a girl, at the risk of ending up with 10 boys! I’m having a hard time accepting that I’ll never have a daughterI hope it eases with time, but still, I don’t see myself going through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum again. »
How to accept this waiver?
For Aline Nativel Id Hammouclinical psychologist specialized in the field of childhood, adolescence and family, giving up an additional child is a loss to face.
“ You have to experience the stages of grief, consciously or unconsciously, to accept it. It’s very difficult, we often try to resign ourselves to not being able to have another child. But this causes a lot of frustration, even depressive disorders.
The desire to have a child arises, in most cases, from the projections we make of ourselves. There is a form ofirrational in desire. When you decide not to have any more children, and the desire remains there, it is necessary to take a step back which can be more or less long. We can introspect, question this desire, what fuels it, despite the different parameters? We can make a pros and cons list and understand why this leads to a contrary answer. This process usually requires the help of a mental health professional. »
And when this renunciation is not a choice, but is suffered, for example in the case of infertility, mourning is even more difficult to achieve. “ When the body prevents you from becoming a parent, it is not about material or financial reasons that can possibly be resolved in the future. In the PMA process you may already be in contact with a psychologist, otherwise you need to consult a mental health professional. We need to ask ourselves what parenthood means to us., and how to find fulfillment in other aspects of life if you have to give up on becoming a parent again. »
To accept the decision to give up another child, Clémence refocuses on her family. “ I choose to consider this, not only that I prefer our family of three who are happy just the way they arebut also that I “protect” this child who does not exist, by not forcing him to come into the world in circumstances in which I could not be the mother he deserves. »
This is also the advice he gives to parents in the same situation: “ focus on all the beauty of the family we already have, the one that already has meaning and nourishes us every day. We can’t know what an extra child would have given, positive or negative, but we know what love we have within the family that already existsand we can make it grow and flourish with all the strength we would have put into the arrival of one more child. »
Sarah clung to the logical reasons for this choice. “ I tried to convince myself, I knew it would be good for me to give up a second child, but I had to accept it. Then one day I realized that I had mourned the Epinal image of the perfect family : two parents, two children, the house and the dog. Instead, I built my family: me and my son part-time. And that’s fine with me, I don’t want to upset this, it doesn’t even make me want to do it anymore. »
His advice: “ Leave time for time. Always question your decision at first. ” What if… ? » And one day it becomes obvious. Although I must admit that when friends who have seniors my age are pregnant, there are 10 seconds in which it still stings a little… »
Discover BookClub, Madmoizelle’s show that questions society through books, in the company of those who make them.
Source: Madmoizelle
Mary Crossley is an author at “The Fashion Vibes”. She is a seasoned journalist who is dedicated to delivering the latest news to her readers. With a keen sense of what’s important, Mary covers a wide range of topics, from politics to lifestyle and everything in between.
