What is love bombing, this manipulative technique that raises the question of consent?

Thursday 21 September Mediapart published an investigation against the M6 ​​conductor Stéphane Plaza. There three former companions testify, denouncing physical and psychological abuse by the presenter. In addition to the reported violence, there is a manipulative practice to which the facilitator would be accustomed: the love bombing. What is it about exactly? Expert decryption.

Three questions to Safiatou Mendy, Coordinator and trainer of Consentis, an association that fight against sexist and sexual violence in party environments.

To miss. What is love bombing?

Safiatou Mendy. The term was popularized by American psychiatrist Margaret Singer. It is often used to describe a behavior used by cults, which consists of “ love bomb » the other very early in a relationship, regardless of its nature, and then impose a much colder and more distant behavior on him. The other may have the tendency to make many compromises, which sometimes even make him suffer, in the hope of rediscovering the moments of ecstasy of the beginning.

In domestic violence relationships, this is what is commonly called “ honeymoon “. It is a form of manipulation, conscious or unconscious, that helps establish control.

Is this a new phenomenon?

Safiatou Mendy. The problem with popularizing these new terms is that they are often used to describe situations that are not new and tend to pathologize those responsible. We often associate the figure of the narcissistic pervert love bombing, which is too simplistic. Not all people who commit violence in their relationships, whatever its nature, are always narcissistic perverts. It is urgent to add nuance to this discussion, because it is not only narcissistic perverts who resort to love bombing.

How does love bombing challenge the notion of consent?

Safiatou Mendy. The discussion around the notion of love bombing brings that of the normalization of signs of tenderness and sweetness in relationships in which, traditionally, we do not put affection.

Because, in an approach through the prism of consent, reporting the signs of love can be problematic. Let’s take for example a context of festive dating: it is common to consider relationships without sweetness, without tenderness and without attention as normal, because these signals would demonstrate that there is affection and would therefore induce a desire for commitment.

We find a very strong fantasy in a one-night stand, which must be consumed quickly. Where longer sexual relations are reserved for the couple, where there would be sweetness and tenderness. This way of reducing dating and established romantic relationships raises two problems:

• The normalization of affectionless behaviors in short-term relationships clearly indicates that there is no commitment. While we can be tender with each other even for one night.
• By maintaining this distance, we risk not being attentive to the other’s consent and therefore potentially perpetuating violence. In this search for coldness and rapid sexual relations, the risk is that of leaving no space” reversible » which is one of the 5 pillars of consent (Enthusiastic, free and informed, specific, reversible, informed). How can you change your mind when sex lasts 5 minutes?