Meredith, 28: “I’m tired of people asking me if I met someone and not if I’m happy”

• Name or nickname :Meredith*
• Age : 28 years
• Place of life : big metropolis
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual

How long have you been single?

I have been single for a year and a half, following a separation from the man I was with for 6 years.

I was in a relationship very early, my first love and I have been together from my 13 to my 18 years, that is 5 years. I grew up with parents who are still together, my brother has been with my sister-in-law since he was 14 (he is now 32), I grew up surrounded by stable couples, and I reproduced the pattern. But we broke up when I started college.

I was single for 2 years when i was in college. Between classes and parties, while living with my parents, I really had no experience of living alone. I’ve had sex, guys I wanted to have a story with but they put an end to it.. In short, I experimented.

And at 20 I met my second boyfriend, with whom I stayed 6 years. I went from living with my parents to living with him. Then we broke up, on good terms, that was just the end of our story.

I thought I was a “couple girl,” a girl made for what, what. As I said above, couples who are with their first love are the role model I grew up with. Then with my breakups, I felt different, not screwed up to stay in a relationship.

Actually, these experiences led me to admit that I needed real time for me, to get to know and build myself up (at 28 it was about time!) before considering getting back together with someone.

How would you describe your singleness?

I’m just starting to tame it. When I separated and Monsieur left the flat we shared, I had only one thing in mind: I must not sink. I had never lived alone. At that time I furnished my life to the extreme : I went out every night, impossible not to do anything even for a day or an evening.

So I only learned to live on my own a short time ago. I realize I had fallen into a dependency on others, and my mere presence was unbearable to me. I had major anxiety attacks, developed dark thoughts just thinking about spending an evening alone. Luckily, I got help and am starting to feel better now.

My celibacy is the time when I learn to know myself, to be independent, to (re)constructing myself as a person and not as an entity within a couple.

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

Yes, it has pushed me to meet new people and I love it! I have a much richer social life than before my separation.

It has no impact on my family life: I’m lucky to have a family that doesn’t put pressure on the subject. Single or not, it’s my happiness that matters.

Do you think being single has a daily impact on your morale?

I am very sensitive to social pressure, unfortunately. I’ve reached an age where my friends are almost all in relationships, PACS, married, starting families… And I feel a little lonely in my celibacy. A part of me tells me that something is missing, that “I don’t know how to do it”, that something must be missing… I know that I’m not ready to enter into a relationship, I have a lot of things to fix, but sometimes I it weighs not “to be like everyone else”

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

NO. As a couple I haven’t forbidden myself anything, I need to be with someone with whom I can be myself and do what I could do alone every day.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Nor do I forbid anything. Thinking about it, I think maybe I would go away more often for the weekend and that I would be less apprehensive about my holidays… But every day, not much changes for me.

Do you feel some pressure to “actively” seek out a romantic partner?

Socially yes, I get asked the question regularly “Did you meet someone? » as if it were the goal of a lifetime… Isn’t being happy the goal?

We don’t care if I’ve met people who bring me things, no, we want to know if I’m in a relationship… Just “in a relationship”, whether I’m happy or not. Seems a bit moody to me.

Then, there is always this biological clock thing : tic-tac, 28 years old, you have to find a boyfriend because you have to have children and time is running out! We are presented with a “unique” model: you get married in university, you marry this person, you have children blablabla… And I had never felt this pressure before the age of 27… But lo, it’s hot.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

When I separated, I had a whole period of wanting to please and multiplying sexual partners to prove to myself that even though my ex partner made comments about my physique, I still liked certain people. For 1 year I even had sex more frequently than when I was in a relationship … And at the end of last summer, I decided to calm down and question this need to always have a sexual partner. So lo and behold, I no longer look for sexual partners, I even try to avoid them to focus only on me.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

Yes, repaying a loan yourself, paying all expenses yourself… It has a huge financial impact. When I separated, my housing costs inevitably doubled, and it hurt a bit!

Do you have a dating budget?

Absolutely not. Most of my dates involve going out for drinks. Activities that I practice regularly, in any case.

What are your plans for the future?

Until recently I had no personal plans and I saw my life through my social connections.

But my plans are changing: I’ve bought an apartment and I’m renovating it, I’ve found parties for this summer (it’s a project like any other!), professionally, I also intend to change my way of exercising…

Being single has little impact on my plans. It’s something I forbid myself, I need personal projects that aren’t related to my relationship status.

Do you have an anecdote about being single to share?

I have an anecdote about the view of celibacy from some people around me that made me a little sad.

Two weeks after my split, I went back to work, and ended up talking about it with a colleague of mine, a 40-year-old married with two children, who told me “But how are you going to find someone now?” »… That’s the least of my worries Karen, but ok.

Later, I learned that this person’s marriage was unhappy, but that she was so terrified of being alone that she remained in a married life that did not suit her. And since then, digging, I’ve realized that many people are unhappy in a relationship but prefer it to being single…

It comforts me in my choice not to rush into married life just to be in a relationship. There’s time, and if I find the love of my life at 40, Well, I’ll find the love of my life at 40, that’s how it is.

Thanks to Meredith* for answering our questions!

*Name has been changed.

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