Lucile, 28: “Having a relationship is becoming something that obsessed me because I want to feel ‘normal'”

• First name : Lucile
• Age : 28 years
• Place of life : Big city
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual

How long have you been single?

that i know, I’ve always been single. My mom told me I had a boyfriend in elementary school but I have no memory.

I don’t have a relationship history either. In my teenage years, when people had their first relationships, I had very little self-confidence. I had crushes on people who, looking back, were unreachable. I reassured myself that I would have a boy in the near future.. I had a boyfriend who wanted to “date” me in college, I agreed under pressure from my friends, but because of my shyness, I ghosted him. Since he wasn’t in my school, there wasn’t a sequel. I still feel guilty today, he wasn’t very nice.

It cannot be said that I am a girl who has had much success with the male sex. But according to my friends, I am blind to signals that can be given to me and I tend to make friends subconsciously. I’ve had a few people show interest in me, but they weren’t people I saw myself in a romantic relationship with.

It was only recently, around the age of 27, that I’ve had little flirtations with guys I liked and with whom I saw myself having an affair. But I have a freeze reflex as soon as it gets too real, so I run away or make friends. I know it’s cruel and I limit myself in my exchanges with men because I really don’t want to hurt them. I can’t force myself, even if I really like them, and I’ll take the first step when I’m confident. It’s one of the things I work on during my therapy.

How would you describe your singleness?

My uniqueness has two sides. I really appreciate the independence it gives me. As a confirmed introvert, I really need my personal space and moments of solitude to recharge my social batteries. Also, having always been single, I’ve gotten used to being alone with my freedoms.

On another side, never having known relationships and really flirting, or even having sex, affects how I see myself. I’ve had low self-confidence for a long time, but I also feel like I’m not really desirable and that there’s something wrong with me, even though I know I’m not.

Being in a relationship becomes something that obsess me in the sense that I want to feel “normal”, but also to know this type of relationship of tenderness and complicity with a person special to me. I already have problems with seduction, but the fact that now I’m out of step with people my age it makes me lose a lot of confidence, and I’m not sure I will always deal with people who understand my situation. What I fear most of all is being pityed or not worthy of being loved. It’s also getting harder and harder to tell myself that I’ll know one day, as time goes on. My lack of experience is an additional obstacle that will hold me back when an opportunity arises. The feeling of loneliness is sometimes heavy. I experience other people’s love stories and imaginary characters.

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

At first he had no real influence. In my teenage years, when my friends had their first loves, I just listened to them curiously talk about it. I told myself my turn would come soon.

Then gradually people asked me more and more about my love situation. “And yet pretty as you are, are they blind or what?” » OR “It’s because you don’t try hard enough”. I also give the image of a confident and confident person, so people don’t understand that I can be shy and fearful. Some even asked me if I wasn’t a lesbian, as if that was a reason not to introduce him to someone because I would be ashamed if I didn’t. I think they got used to the idea that it wouldn’t have been the day before tomorrow because I don’t have too many questions today!

I am lucky to have an open minded and understanding environment so I don’t have to deal with the pressures to settle down and start a family. My friends who know what I’m going through are a real support and I think they’ve been a big part of my insurance over the last few years. With them I feel understood and listened to, I could never thank them enough.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Yes of course. I am free in my decisions, I am not limited to moving according to my career developments and travelling. Also, I can satisfy my needs for solitude without worrying about hurting a potential mate.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

I wouldn’t say it prevents me from doing things on a practical level, it’s more experiences that I can’t have. After, it is true that in today’s society, it is financially easier to live together. It is a significant financial structure. For example, as a single person, it’s more difficult for me to find an apartment bigger than a studio in the big city where I live while I’m on a permanent contract and earning a very decent salary.

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

Not exactly. I’m interested in guys, I like to have their attention and possibly chat with them. I also registered briefly on a dating site. However, as soon as the moment comes when something can happen or the other person becomes genuinely interested, I am paralyzed with fear, take my legs around your neck and friendzone or ghoste. I really wish I could overcome this block that bothers me so much and work on it in therapy, among other things.

Do you feel a form of injunction to have an affair?

Somehow. For some people, you can’t be happy being alone. The human being would be made to be in a couple and to want to have children. I’m at an age where, according to the popular imagination, I should already be settled down and planning to have offspring. Some people don’t understand my detachment from this image, that I don’t feel the urgency that comes from my “biological clock”.

What are your plans for the future?

Ideally, I’d like to meet someone with whom I can develop a serious relationship. For now I don’t want children for various reasons but I don’t know if having a serious relationship will make me feel this desire to become a parent with my better half. Before that, of course, I’ll finally have to lose my virginity, but i will wait to find the right person and the right time, no matter how long it takes. It’s not because I’m a little behind on certain subjects that I’m going to force myself and resign myself to doing the wrong things. If for some I delude myself and am too demanding, good for them, they are neither in my skin nor in my head.

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