Ketty, 31 years old: “I chained sentimental disasters”

• First name : Kitten
• Age : 31 years old
• Place of life : Angers (Maine et Loire)
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual

How long have you been single?

I have been single for 2 years after a breakup after an 8 month relationship.

I got married very young, at 17, with what at the time seemed to be my first love. The truth is that this relationship allowed me to escape from daily family life which had become too heavy. With this man I was jealous, possessive, constantly defensive and didn’t trust him at all. Today, if I could speak to the “I” of that time, I would tell it to run away. Because beyond my behavior, he too had his share of responsibility for how our relationship worked. Result: it ended after 2 years of arguments and hysteria with a deception from him and a very violent and hard separation for me.

I was very young, but at the time being alone was unthinkable. I first registered on a dating site when I lived in the countryside with no transport. At the start, it boosted my ego because I was getting hundreds of messages. But I quickly realized that the content was rather empty and repetitive. It’s still on one site that I met a man a year after the breakup. A man this time, kind, understanding, but thoroughly planned. We moved in together really fast. But I was bored out of my mind. We’ve been together for a year and a half… Even though I was bored, it allowed me to understand that another form of relationship than the first was possible.

After, I chained sentimental disasters. I warmed too quickly to the men I dated and experienced each departure as a painful breakup. I felt abandoned and it was unmanageable for me. I then decided to only have one night stands so as not to suffer. I have seen men get attached to me but I pushed them away every time to protect myself. Until the day when at 23, at the beginning of summer, sure of myself, I let my guard down and screwed myself again.

It was the last straw. Since I had a long summer vacation, I decided to go to my grandmother in Brittany for 5 weeks. I let myself live completely, in the evenings with friends, I let myself be carried away. It was there that I met a charming guy, with whom I fell in love. It only lasted 2 weeks, but it was amazing. At the end of the summer in this same group of friends, on the last day, I met another guy who made me laugh a lot. He is an artist, he plays guitar, he is kind and gentle but most of all thoughtful and understanding. This relationship lasted 4 years and finally taught me to trust. It has forever changed the image I have of man/woman relationships, both in love and in friendship. This is the relationship I grew the most in. I relaxed and I’ve also learned that a breakup doesn’t have to be violent. We talked, we kissed a little crying and I left. That’s how we separated. We still see each other today because I’ve remained friends with his friends and we go to parties together. I like to see him again and I’m always proud of him when I see him evolve. He recently introduced his new girlfriend with whom things are going great.

Since then I’ve mostly been in short, temporary relationships, including a slightly longer one, lasting 8 months, but they didn’t sit right with me. We parted by mutual agreement.

Since then I’ve been working on myself, on the vision I have of myself and of men, but above all the vision I have of relationships. I do things to please me and listen to myself more. I no longer want to be in a relationship at all costs, nor be a second mother to the man who will share my life. I live so well alone that the presence of a man in my life must be a real added value.

How would you describe your singleness?

It’s pretty interesting to me being single. Sometimes it takes me out of my comfort zone and allows me to work on a lot of things about myself that I wouldn’t necessarily have done as a couple, or maybe in another way. It’s quite easy for me to live, because I’m very hired and chosen. At the same time, it can also be a source of tension with the outside world.

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

Not about my family life, because I dot the i’s and nobody bothers me anymore.

Between friends, between those who have children and those who get married, sometimes I feel a gap growing, on one side or the other. I have the benefit of being an educator and am less sidelined ” You can not understand “ (although being a parent and being an educated person are not the same thing).

When it comes to marriage, or even group moments, everyone makes it their mission to introduce me to someone who sets me up, as if it were an obligation and unthinkable otherwise. The argument that often comes up is that if I’m single, it’s not by choice, but because I haven’t found the right one, or worse, because I’m too complicated or difficult. When there’s dating and I’m the only person single, people are embarrassed for me, while I really don’t care.

Does being single impact your daily morale?

There are days when morale is not at its best, sometimes I tell myself that I wish there was someone to talk to me and console me even if necessary. But otherwise, not at all, I live it very well.

Does being single allow you things that you couldn’t do as a couple?

No I do not think so. Everything I do alone, I can do accompanied. It all depends on what has been defined in the couple and how it works.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Initially I would have said yes, because going to a restaurant, going to the cinema, traveling, etc., are things that most of the time it is difficult to do alone. But I have taken advantage of this celibacy to step out of my comfort zone. I passed the journey stage aloneI started strong, now everything else seems simple to me!

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

Yes and no. I’m not really looking, but I’m still on a dating app. I hope to find someone I can at least talk to, but I only come across profiles that I don’t like. So, I unsubscribe, then one day it will come back to me, so I subscribe again… But on a daily basis, I live very well without it.

I scroll more in the evening, when I’m relaxed and have time to send or receive messages if it matches. Sometimes I have appointments, but this requires discussions for a shorter or longer period and that attract my attention. Often it is a matter of feeling between the photo, the profile and the exchange that takes place. If I don’t feel it, for one reason or another, I won’t go. Just as I can go and spend an interminable date wondering what I’m doing here.

It’s always a stressful time for me, I have to strategize to get there, otherwise I’m able to change my mind at the last minute. It’s not my favorite and at the same time it’s quite exciting to discover someone.

Do you feel a form of injunction to have an affair?

In society, yes. You have to be in a relationship to have children. One often goes with the other. “But how are you going to have children if you are alone? Considering your age, it will soon be too late. » I don’t want children either, so I let you imagine… DIY, mechanics, replacing a light bulb (yes, yes), repairs…: all this, and many other things, it is often unthinkable when you are a single woman.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

No, it has no impact on my sex life. A sexual partner is often easier to find. I don’t actively search, but I find occasional, regular, sometimes different, sometimes not. It depends on the opportunities and wishes of each.

Does being single impact your finances?

Certainly a little. I guess I don’t have access to the same housing types as when the budget is at least doubled. Shopping in supermarkets is less easy in the “single” portion, or it is more expensive. I certainly have a different pace and standard of living being by myself.

What are your plans for the future?

I bet a lot on my career and my hobbies: the plastic arts. I intend to climb in one sector as in the other, I’m quite ambitious and careerist. Not to the detriment of the rest, but it is certain that a companion will be needed to follow me and support me, otherwise it won’t be possible. Celibacy just has the impact of thinking only of yourself for all current or future projects. Maybe smooth it out? Let’s say moving to another country when you’re alone is easier because it only involves yourself, for example.

Thanks to Kitty for answering our questions!

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