My daughter has invited a friend on vacation, do I have to pay everything for her?

La Daronne answers your questions trying not to be too out of place.

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice covered in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to rescue a reader.

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne

I have a nine year old daughter. She is very sociable and has always liked to invite her friends over when we do activities, and even on vacations. In itself, this doesn’t bother me at all, especially since we only live together, but the more the children grow, the less the parents of these friends accompany us and I often find myself paying for everything: the ticket, the ice cream, sometimes even small gifts , if my daughter sees one they both like, I can’t see myself buying it in front of the other kid without giving him one too…

For casual outings it’s still fine, but last year my daughter invited a friend over for a vacation and though her parents thanked me warmly, they didn’t offer to attend and my expenses were doubled. I understand some parents can’t afford it and I didn’t say anything, but I had to limit the outings because my budget couldn’t keep up.

This year my daughter wants to start over with another friend and if I agree in principle I don’t want to pay two for a week. What should I do ? And what should I ask?

Anna

Daronne’s answer

My little periwinkle,

Here’s a pragmatic question how do I like them. This does not mean that I am sure of the answer to give you since you know that in our Latino culture talking about money is taboo and unprecedented. I personally believe that in this context the word taboo is synonymous with the term “very practical all the same” but good.

That said, I sympathize. The same thing happened to me as it did to you a few years ago. I had a child and was doing well budget-wise. Then, a second rascal crept into our travels and recreational activities. The only difference is that I’m the one who made this new boyfriend, but believe me, it also pisses me off paying double for everything.

In summary, life is expensive and not everyone has the means (or willingness) to hire a fully dependent external child for a week. But, then, how do you satisfy your child without being plucked?

Ideally, parents are expected to bring the subject up spontaneously

Readers, correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me that in the event that our child has been invited to spend the holidays with someone else, it is natural to inquire about the possible conditions, right? It all depends on the context, of course. Two days in a family home are not the same as a week in a hotel. However, the least we can do is know the level of our contribution and, if possible, anticipate it. For example, if the journey is made in a different way than by car, we must bear in mind that we will have to pay – logically – the ticket for the vehicle that will take our cherub to his vacation spot.

Again, it all depends on the program. For example, if both children are signed up for a particular activity, you will probably need to take care of the activity. As for daily expenses, depending on the age of the child, you can entrust him with money (and instructions), or make a transfer to the family of the agreed amount.

Considering these costs in advance already allows you to consider the feasibility of the invitation. It is possible that you cannot cover this hypothetical sum. I talk about it in the next paragraph, we should be able to discuss the subject calmly, but I understand perfectly that you don’t dare and prefer to refuse in advance in the face of the hypothetical sum to be advanced. That said, personally, I think it’s good to put one foot on the plate.

What if we had the courage to talk about money?

We live in an overly capitalist and consumerist society and we don’t even dare to talk about money. As a result, we are chewing the bite by speculating on the reasons that can explain the stingy behavior, the unkind tendency of others, we have the impression of being robbed. You can feel gray wings of dirt sprouting from your back and a small black and white beak from your face. And incidentally, don’t you dare ask for a raise, nor compare your salary to your male friends’ to show them you’re screwed, but sorry, I digress, that’s not the topic of the day. Back to our biftons!

I’m not suggesting that everyone has a good reason to willfully ignore upset questions. Some take advantage of what others have, without shame or particular motivation, but the truth is that if you don’t bring up the subject, you’ll never know anything about it.

Last year’s parents were especially privileged and didn’t even imagine for a second that you could expect compensation? On the contrary, they didn’t have the means to contribute and preferred to ignore it, because we live in a rotten society where not having croquettes is a sin?

I do not know. But I know that by not talking about these practical matters, we get bogged down in unpleasant situations. If you knew how many times I overspent, why didn’t I dare to say that this restaurant or this concert was not within my budget? Too. If instead of going around hoping that one proposes or the other suggests, we sat directly at the table to address the issue, it would be very simple.

And I, this year, suggest you be the one who dares. If you’re afraid of looking like a raccoon, don’t worry. Anyone who finds you stingy because you don’t offer a fully paid vacation to their child was not going to be of much use in your life.

So, if the group vacation plan is confirmed, it’s time to invite the girlfriend’s parents for a drink at home to discuss the various logistical details. And make sure the topic is covered before the interview is over:

” It’s always a little tricky to go about things like this, but I wanted to discuss the financial issue with you. Would it be possible to cover train tickets and diving / provide pocket money for certain activities? »

Yes, it’s cash (like money, hu hu. Sorry) and surgical. And to tell the truth, no, in France you don’t ask for money this way. But are two minutes of embarrassment more dramatic than an overdraft in a time of inflation? I do not think so.

If you find yourself facing parents who can’t afford it, it’s up to you. I can only encourage any generous gesture towards children less fortunate than ours, but it’s not always physically possible. Depending on your possibilities, you can then ask these parents for a contribution up to their means, or simply explain to them that your current finances do not allow you to support a second child. It’s not their fault, or your fault, that you live in a system that only offers its entertainment to those with tickets.

Refuse vacations or offer cheap activities

If the situation repeats itself, you have every right to refuse to take other children on vacation or on a trip, even if your daughter asks you to. Worst case scenario, she’ll give you face, but since she’s nine, she’ll quickly figure out that you better forgive yourself if she wants hot food for dinner.

You can also think about what’s most important and most fulfilling to you: a week together, even if it means doing less paid visits or activities. A week with friends doesn’t necessarily require overpriced entertainment, a meadow or a lakeside, that’s nice too.

Come on, I’ll leave you, I have water bottles to fill with tap water,

bisette,

Your daronne

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