Because I cut ties with my grandparents

Two years ago, I decided that I would end all contact with my paternal grandparents.

If I wondered for a long time whether I would regret this choice, today I know it was the right decision to make.

My paternal family, a complicated story

In order for you to understand that I didn’t cut ties with them on a whim, I must first give you a little background on my family life.

As far as I can remember It was always very complicated of my father. Even long before I existed, long before my father was born, it was a real mess.

My great grandmother was an immigrant and experienced a lot of trauma and rejection in her childhood, then in her adult life due to the war.

These different wounds are somehow passed on from mother to daughter.

I learned this relatively recently, and I think it allowed me to understand a little better the origin of this beautiful family brothel…

My grandmother has always had conflicting relationships with her family members: her mother and her sister, whom she hasn’t seen for many years, then her children.

My father hasn’t seen his parents for about fifteen years. The reasons, I know a few, but I guess I can’t imagine a tenth of what they put her through.

My grandparents and my son’s gaze

Like many children around the world, I first loved my grandparents.

I laughed with them, played with them, they taught me to do silly things, they spoiled me, they force-fed me like a goose at every meal.

So much so that I didn’t understand why the situation was so complicated with my father. I resented him for a long time, moreover, for don’t make the effort to reconcile with them…

I didn’t understand why there were so many secrets, on both sides.

Because I was forbidden to tell my grandparents about my aunt’s new boyfriend or her new job. Because I was asked not to give news of my great-grandmother when she was still alive.

I didn’t understand why my father prevented my sister and I from going on holiday alone with them. And since she no longer saw them, it was my mother who took us to their house, when she was already divorced from my father.

I learned later that he did it because my grandparents threatened to ask her for visitation rightson the order of one weekend a month, while she herself had only two left since the divorce.

I respect her immensely for making this effort for so many years, despite everything my grandparents put her through when she was still with my father.

But all this, I have not seen, at least not yet. I saw my father’s parents as the loving grandparents they were, not the toxic people people around me described to me.

My grandparents, a progressive disillusionment

And then I grew up and I started figuring things outfirst alone and then talking to my parents.

I started feeling awkward, then really pissed off about my grandparents’ complaints about my dad.

I do not deny the pain that the loss of a child must represent, especially when it is the child in question who decides to cut ties…

But my role as a nephew is not to patch up my father and mother. After 15 years, however, I don’t think there’s much more to do than make a decision.

I also started to get tired of my grandparents’ constant scolding for not seeing me enough.

First, there were the direct reproaches, the don’t call us “, THE ” we don’t see you anymore »…

And then there were implied reproaches, dropped at the turn of a sentence, the ” we are getting old “, THE ” your grandfather is depressed “, THE ” we wish we had great-grandchildren before we die “.

And no matter how much I called them, made the effort to visit them, texted here and there, every call, every visit was punctuated by these reproaches.

I’ve never had this problem with my other grandparents, always happy to see me cross the threshold, welcoming me with a smile, showing that they understand that life doesn’t always leave me much time to dedicate to them.

As I got older, I was able to talk more with my father, mother, aunts, and even my great aunt. I found out lies, deception, verbal abuse, manipulation, emotional blackmail.

Oddly, while I had so much trouble hearing these stories when I was younger, I was no longer so surprised by what I was told.

And above all, I finally believed what I was being told.

Not blindly, not just because I trust my parents. But why these deceptions, these manipulations, I had lived them.

To a lesser extent, of course, because I ended up spending too little continuous time with my grandparents to come out traumatized.

But I knew how they worked and I knew what they were capable of.

So I moved away from them, little by little. When I was celebrating my 20th birthday with my whole family, I decided for the first time not to invite them.

I didn’t want the eternal discomfort in their presence, I didn’t want to answer their questions about my father, I didn’t want to hear them talk about their last fight with my aunt.

I only wanted positive things for this anniversary that meant so much to me, and I knew it would be impossible with them.

The straw that made me cut ties with my grandparents

And then there was this party. My grandfather’s birthday, an event with so many strangers that I didn’t want to go to anyway.

I made the effort, as I hadn’t seen my grandparents for almost a year. If I had known this day would be a wasted day…

Even before they said goodbye when we arrived with my sister, we had the right to blame.

“You came without your friends – yes, they work, we told you weeks ago.

Not a smile, for the duration of the party, not a question for us.

I was going abroad for 6 months, my sister was also experiencing big changes in her life. But they didn’t give us the opportunity to tell them about it.

Every time they made a gesture of interest to us, it was to brag about us to their friends. Stooges, that’s what we stood for at this party.

Then they let me know they knew I had celebrated my 20th birthday without them. Not subtly and not delicately, of course, otherwise it wouldn’t be fun.

Reproaches, more reproaches.

But how to tell them that I have not regretted my choice? How do I let them know that they haven’t brought me enough joy to make me want to spend this birthday with them?

I left this party in tears, angry that I ruined a day for them who obviously weren’t able to care about me, and a little guilty for feeling this way in front of my grandparents for whom I had so much affection before.

I cut ties with my grandparents and I no longer feel guilty

Haven’t heard from them in 2 years now.

In 2 years I’ve had time to question myself, to think about my relationship with them, to talk about it with those around me. And if there’s one thing that stands out, it’s that I do not regret this decision.

Just under a year ago, I wrote them an email to explain myself and their reply confirmed to me that this situation with them was hopeless. They do not understand that they are the source of all the problems at the heart of which they find themselves.

And I don’t think they will ever understand.

I can’t have a grandparent/grandchild relationship with them as it happens with my maternal grandparents with whom everything is so simple and happy.

I don’t want a relationship of emotional blame and blackmail. I don’t want them to give me checks or Christmas presents if they let me know I’m only entitled to them if I visit them.

I don’t need to be my grandparents’ stooge if they don’t have an ounce of interest in my personal life. I don’t want to mediate in my family’s conflicts.

I much prefer spending time with people I deeply love and who love, respect and appreciate me unconditionally.

However, I don’t wish them bad luck. I am convinced that the situation is complicated on their part and that they do not know what to do to improve it.

But I have hoped too much to see things evolve, and I can no longer waste my time and energy maintaining a relationship that brings me nothing. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I can’t say I haven’t tried.

Today, I don’t miss my grandparentsand that’s what makes me think this decision was the right one.

” You don’t choose your family » : nothing has ever been so true for me, and if accepting it takes time, in the end it makes things much easier.

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