“Now I know what it means to betray”: what Caterina should have said to her ex

Dear ex,

You were my first love, I was just 15 and you were 18.

Love at first sight!

I was a middle schooler and you were a high schooler, with a different upbringing: Your family was bruised, mine was all security and love. I was young and to protect me my parents welcomed you into our family. Now I understand better why.

With you, I felt weakened : you had an alcoholic mother, a submissive father and your sisters (older than me) seemed so shameless to me and I always felt out of place. Disrespect was not a part of my upbringing and there was it at all levels within your family.

Only your grandmother (whom you adored) would reassure me and tell me that you weren’t bad, just a little hotheaded. This was also how you saw yourself.

Your life plan was enlist in the army. You entered the paratroopers for 3 years. You went to Tarbes.

I continued my classes and my university life. Again I felt out of step with my companions who seemed so “children” to me. Finding your place when you’re ahead of people your own age is destabilizing.

Suddenly, in hindsight, I realize I haven’t found my place anywhere.

Time has passed to the rhythm of our exchanges of letters, telephones and your permits. Our meetings were intense, you came back once or twice a month. It wasn’t much, but we loved each other. Anyway, I loved you.

You left for 4 months in Central Africa, I thought I would never bear the separation and in the end I continued to wait.

It was very strong seeing each other again, but it’s strange, I remember above all that little by little your attitude changed and that after a long time spent together you returned to the barracks. You gave less and less news and our meetings were spaced out.

Then one day I had itching in the pubic area. The sixteen-year-old girl that I was didn’t for a moment suspect that the doctor had accusingly told me I’d gotten military pubic lice, talking about crabs. The horror, the shame.

At that time, everything happened very quickly. I phoned the barracks to warn you and scream my anger and get an explanation. But nothing, still no one. Silence.

The soldier who had answered immediately felt that it was not worth telling me lies and explained that I was with a girl from the barracks who slept with most of the soldiers. Another cold shower.

Betrayed, stained, humiliated. I screamed my pain and also sent you a long letter to tell you my hate and tell you that I was sending you the rest of your stuff that was in my house and that I didn’t want to hear from you anymore!

Good prince, my brother accompanied me on this final step with your parents. I didn’t expect anything from them and I did well. My entourage has helped me a lot, they have comforted me and above all they have never judged me.

My older brother, with whom I had shared a lot, considered me, listened to me, advised me. We have become closer in our relationship as brothers and sisters. In his eyes, I had suddenly become an adult. My parents were amazed at my courage and maturity in how I handled the situation.

Thanks to you, I grew up and learned to recover and stop being teased. I too became suspicious and I can say I have character.

Now, thirty years after this shock in my teenage life, I know. I know that if I hadn’t lived these 2 1/2 years of my young life by your side with this tragic end, I don’t know what cheating means.

I know I would never have the character and personality that I have. And above all, I would never have the chance to meet the man of my life that I’ve been with for 34 years and give birth to two adorable children.

So thank you for inflicting this life lesson on me. Thanks for letting me leave you and I hope, yes, I hope you have experienced pain, humiliation and betrayaland that they will be used to make you better.

After all these years, I was finally able to put this painful moment into words.

And if I had to wish you something, it’s to keep staying out of my life, because for me you no longer exist!