Margaux, 22: ‘I’ve installed and uninstalled Tinder so many times’

• First name : Margaux.

• Age : 22 years old.
• Singles from: Always.
• Place of life: a big student city.
• Sexual and romantic orientation: “I’ve only experimented with boys, but I feel open to something more. »
• Pronouns : she she

How long have you been single?

Always ! I’ve never been in a relationship, half by choice and half not. I had some crushincluding a friend who started ignoring me after he slept with me.

And then, since I was 14, I’ve been in a relationship with a very toxic boy. Half the time I tell myself that he is a big idiot who doesn’t know what he wants, the other half of the time, as soon as I see his smile on him, I sink …

What is your relationship with being single?

For a long time, I was under the impression that if a guy liked me, he automatically liked me. I didn’t question how I felt, because I really lacked self-confidence. If a guy came up to me and showed interest, I was like “You’re ugly, you’re weird, nobody likes you so you better answer yes”.

Of course it was wrong, but it took me a while to start wondering about it what I wanted, what I liked. Now I know better, I also know what I can accept or not in a relationship.

I’ve been having some fun lately a love/hate relationship with my celibacy. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I cling to it as a lifeline. It’s my comfort zone, a place I know and discover a little more every day. At the same time, I ask myself questions. Why am I single when most of the people around me are in a relationship or have already been, as I would be if I was in a relationship… Will I be jealous and possessive, for example? It would scare me to be like this!

I often wonder if I’m even ready for a relationship. Since I was a teenager, I tell myself that I would like to have a boyfriend, but being single for so long has allowed me to have real expectations of the couple. I’m looking for something that suits me directly, not a test.

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

Yes and no. Before, I have undergone many observations such as: “ So, do you have a boyfriend now? from the family, but out of strength, I began to answer “ I’m fine on my own right now », “ When I feel like it “. I said it on the one hand to stop the network of the topic (I was too lazy to say the same thing a thousand times, as if it were a failure) and on the other hand because it was true. Now it seems to me that it is a bit ‘ calmed down.

With my friends I have the status of “the single friend forever” and often found each other hold the candle!

Do you feel that being single affects your morale on a daily basis?

Yes, especially in this period when it’s cold… I want hugs, kisses, tenderness. I am very tactile and I feel emotionally deprived in the winter! Libido side, it is not always easy. Right now I’m digging into my duvet and looking Euphoria or a moving film.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Of course yes. I don’t depend on anyone (well, on my parents but that’s another thing) and I grow according to my own criteria. I’ve had a lot of time to evolve on my own, to question myself, to do what’s good for me… I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been the person I am today if I had this time together. On a good day, I can find 1000’s of positive reasons to be single.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

For the moment the things I would like to do are go away for the weekend and go to an unusual airbnb, have a weekend at the spa, rent a van, go on an adventure for two… Although there are many times when lived very well alone, I would like to have this kind of experience with someone by my side.

Does the place where you live influence your desires or meeting opportunities?

I live in a very student city. That means a lot of young adults who want to experiment and test their limits: hanging out a lot, picking up people, sex stories, love, drama… Around me, It’s very trivial, but not at all for me.

My friends tell me this often “Come on, pick someone at random” and I swear, my stomach makes a knot just thinking about it. I have often been told:“You can kiss anyone, it doesn’t mean a thing” and it’s true that it doesn’t mean anything, but I needed time to do it assume it’s not something I wanted to do, and that I didn’t have to force myself to be like everyone else. For a while, it deepened my lack of self-confidence, but today I realized that this is the way I function, and it’s as valid as any: I need to have a connection, romantic or friendly, before I consider physical rapprochements.

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

I have installed and uninstalled Tinder so many times! But I’ve decided, it’s not for me at all. I’m not a fan of messages, with which misunderstandings of intonation came quickly. I find there is no spark and that stresses me out more than anything.

It costs at your place and so, it’s a bit paradoxical. I love flirting (it’s my favorite part of dating!), but dating really stresses me out and scares the shit out of me. A little spontaneity is missing! With all the organization around me, I have plenty of time to ask myself questions, to imagine the moment, to ask myself if the person in front of me has the same intentions as me… My brain races, and often the reaction of a twenty-year-old boy ‘years. I’m trying to gain some confidence to fight off these intrusive thoughts!

The more I grow, the more I trust myself, but the more I fear relationships: I’ve been alone for a long time, will I be able to stay in a relationship? Am I so comfortable with my own company that perhaps someone’s presence will be an intrusion? When things go beyond just flirting, I often freak out.

What are your plans for the future? Does celibacy have consequences for these desires and projections?

No idea ! I’m finishing my masters this year and I’m not sure what I’ll do next. Travel ? Work ? Starting another master? I do not know !

Thanks to Margaux for answering our questions!