Ludivine, 31: “I dream of boring lunches with my in-laws”

• First name : Ludivino
• Age : 31 years old
• Singles from: 5 months
• Pronouns : she she
• Sexual and romantic orientation: hetero
• Place of life: Paris

How long have you been single?

For 5 months, after a relationship of about 10 months. I’ve been in a relationship for a long time – I left my first boyfriend after years of relationship for another (who I was also with for years). I felt like the queen of oil, with two men in love with me.

I ended up leaving this partner as I saw no future with him. When we split up, I figured I’d find someone pretty easily, but I was wrong. Three years later, I still harbor nostalgia for that past relationship.

After two years of celibacy, I met someone who finally didn’t want to commit. Since then I have been single again.

As the saying goes, ” We know what we lose, not what we gain. I never regained the degree of love I had in my early relationships. Sometimes I tell myself I was too dumb, too hard, and that I’ve lost something precious.

What is your relationship with being single?

I live my celibacy rather badly, especially with the winter. I need affection and hugs. I’m dying to (re)build something, love someone, share a daily life. I feel like a UFO compared to my loved ones.

And then, I feel lonely, both in relation to people in relationships who don’t understand my difficulties of being single, but also in relation to single people who say they are happy alone and don’t want to be in a relationship.

Right now I see a discourse emerging that says that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, that the most important thing is to love each other, that the other is not meant to fill a void. I can’t find myself there either. Me, I like myself pretty well and I don’t think wanting to thrive in a relationship is filling a void. Above all, I don’t want to be judged or labeled an antifeminist because I’m sad to be single.

I feel like I’m faced with two injunctions, on the one hand, one telling me I must be in a relationship at all costs, and on the other, telling me I absolutely must be happy single, that I must feel no lack. For me it’s not so Manichean, there are nuances between the two!

Does being single affect your friendship or family life?

I feel more and more at odds with my surroundings. We are not living the same thing, we no longer have the same worries. Most of my friends are in long-term relationships and talk about shopping with their partner, moving, daycare, kids…

I’m very far away. Still, I dream of enduring boring lunches with in-laws! I miss these worries, which I experienced when I was in a relationship.

For many people around me, life is about couples. People speak We ” : “WE buy, WE go on vacation »… Single friends come later and I feel like I always have to run after people to make plans. That’s part of the problem, couple of friends disappearing overnight! Luckily I have single friends with whom we are supportive!

Sometimes I get the feeling that people in relationships find it hard to be there for each other. In any case, if I meet someone, I will not prioritize the same – it is important to stick together and I will never forget my loved ones.

Does celibacy affect your morale on a daily basis?

YES. While I’m not unhappy, being single saddens me for the simple reason that I have so much love to give and that, after being happy and enjoying being single to the fullest, I can’t wait to meet someone. Having been in long relationships, I know what I’m missing: sharing, presence, support, sex, a colorful life…

At the end of December, during the holidays, I thought a lot about my bachelorhood, about the fact that I wanted to give someone gifts. There comes Valentine’s Day and I get promotional messages, I see pubs that depress me.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

We can take whoever we want. But that’s all. There is no headache.

Conversely, do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Without having to do everything together, as a couple, we have this reassuring basis: we are a team, and we know that we will not be alone for the new year, for the bridges… With my partners, I felt accomplished on this level, I didn’t feel the pressure of having to visit others constantly to be able to do interesting things, as is the case now.

Are you actively trying to find a romantic relationship?

It depends on the periods. I’ve always met my partners in the evening, or through friends. I tried networks, but it’s not for me, ditto for meeting applications. It doesn’t come naturally to me to talk about rain and good weather to a stranger, I try, but I can’t.

I think things have changed a lot in just a few years. Meeting people in 2023 is very difficult: people disappear very quickly, entire conversations on dating apps are suddenly deleted because one answer is not suitable… It’s like we’re nothing, for the person we are talking to. I have a feeling that when I was 20, things were simpler, more authentic.

Does being single affect your sex life?

I don’t have much of a sex life at the moment, and I don’t want a date, which no longer interests me: I have a hard time compartmentalizing, ass on one side and love on the other. Occasionally, one night stands with a small crush in the evening, it’s easier and more enjoyable for me!

Does being single affect your finances?

Yes of course. We share nothing and pay the full price (taxes, rent, food). It’s a double punishment.

Does being single affect your plans for the future?

Hugely, to the extent that I want to have children. Time is ticking and it’s a new source of stress, as I can’t see myself having a baby on my own.

Photo credit: Pexels / Andrea Piacquadio