Sacha, 33: “My sex life has been more fulfilling since I was single”

• First name : Sasha
• Age : 33 years
• Place of life: Paris
• Singles from: 2 years
• Sexual orientation: hetero

How long have you been single?

I’m single for two years after a breakup after six years of relationship.

In my last serious relationship, I was in a PACS, then married, followed my ex abroad and there were baby plans discussed.

I took some pleasure in fitting myself into this mould. I felt socially validated and found the idea of ​​the very long relationship on the classic model quite cool.

However I’ve always had the feeling deep down that it just didn’t suit me. I often had the feeling that I was forgetting myself, relying on my successes, adapting a lot to him. I immediately felt “snapped” towards the other, for example, I wanted to do everything with him and, paradoxically, this frustrated me. I was also afraid of the commitment, he would put pressure on me, I was afraid of going the wrong way, of being blocked or of not being up to it.

What is your relationship with being single?

My celibacy is both chosen and born. I made the decision to leave in my previous relationship, among other things because I needed to see something else and was drowned out by the “traditional” couple model.. But in the end, I’m not always fully satisfied with this life either.

I like being able to exist on my own and no longer put the couple relationship at the center of the whole relationship, but i can’t deny it emotionally, i often feel the need to be with someone.

That’s why I still have relationships with some men: they can be carnal, emotional, but they are never relationships in the classical sense. We don’t make promises, there’s no commitment, there’s no texting every day, they’re shorter than the relationships I’ve known before. Sometimes they turn into friendship.

Does being single affect your friendships?

Sometimes I get a slight discomfort from people in a relationship around me. We no longer dare to say that being single is a bad thing, but I feel that sometimes people can pity me a little, because most people can’t imagine themselves alone.

I get excluded from certain activities from time to time, but mainly because I don’t have a small child. The biggest impact is on friendly outings: the couples around me are less available, they go on vacation as a couple, they stay at home on Sundays, they are more lazy to travel to do things outside the home.

When I’m with a lot of people who are in a relationship, I have the impression that my life choices position me as an outsider. I have the impression that my friends are wondering: But when are you going to settle down? »I was told “But did you go out again this weekend?” Do you know this stuff? “. It’s like they position themselves as older people and I’m younger in their minds.

What about your family relationships?

Being in a relationship lends a kind of adult credibility which I tend to lose in the eyes of my family. Sometimes I feel like I’m rediscovering my teenage status with my parents, there’s no one left to buffer. Or maybe it’s me putting myself back in the position of a child!

I kinda miss not having an “ally” during the holidays anymore, or just someone to share rapport with with my family.

Does being single affect your morale on a daily basis?

Yes, positive in the sense that I feel freer, more open and independent, even stronger overall.

However, the comparison with my entourage, mostly in couples, leads me to doubt the legitimacy / viability of celibacy, especially in winter when outings and projects with friends are rare. I will question myself, I will wonder if my celibacy is really a choiceif I’m not the problem and maybe I’m not fit to share someone’s life like others do.

Do you think being single allows you things you couldn’t do as a couple?

It may seem selfish, but I put so much the wishes of others before my own. that today I really appreciate being able to decide what I want to do, when I want to do it, without taking someone else’s opinion into consideration. I can spend the weekend with friends without calculating, watch the movies I want… I sleep even better!

Do you think being single prevents you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

What saddens me the most today is actually going on vacation: I haven’t taken the step of setting out on my own yet, I admit that I find the prospect quite sad (even dangerous) even if I would like to try it soon.

This side of planning a trip for two, having a travel companion is important to me and as most people go as a couple, I find myself a little alone. And even economically, trips are often more made for couples: a hotel room alone costs the same price as two, for example. I would also like to try new restaurants or places sometime and even if I do it with my friends, I have a little less opportunities and I don’t assume (yet) to do it alone.

Are you actively looking to meet a partner?

It depends: sometimes yes, then not at all. I find that in my age group there are already few people “available” at the moment, and then I’m a bit tired of this frantic search to find a person who can equal me.

I had a period where I was quite addicted to dating apps, because I felt lonely and I wanted to feel wanted and see that I liked it. I’ve come back from it, I find that when I use them, I spend a lot of energy on relatively little results… I waste too much time when I could be spending it on something more fulfilling for me. I install and uninstall them regularly.

Today I prefer to let things happen and if this leads to a relationship that suits me, all the better, but if not, too bad: my personal balance today is much less centered on that (although it’s always a little!). I also think I’m a lot more picky now than I used to be, e.g I like to flutter without more effort.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

I have a much more active and satisfied sex life since I am no longer in a relationship! In a somewhat classic way, II tended to see the desire decrease over time. Sure, it could fluctuate, but in most of my long relationships, after two or three years together, I felt like I’d done the trick. There were other types of less sexual carnal intercourse, with much tenderness.

Today I have regular sexual partners and I’ve learned a lot more in the last couple of years about my pleasure, my body, etc., that in all my relationships. I had the opportunity to test a lot of things!

Do you feel a form of injunction to have an affair?

Yes, a little, but I have the impression that it is changing. Sometimes I perceive it as a judgment of those around me on my ability to be an adult and “stable”, or as a fear that I won’t be able to manage myself without having someone who supports me on a daily basis. But I think some people envy me a little too much sometimes. In general, I believe that human beings find it difficult to be alone and that my celibacy sends them back to their solitude.

“For now I have given up on the long term relationship model”

In the future I would like to have less traditional relationships, in which we could live together in a more balanced way. For example, I find it not living under the same roof as your partner is a good compromisewould be my ideal. Having more space for yourself, having more things to share.

When we’re in a relationship and we get older, friendships are often relegated to the background, and I aspire to continue to keep other relationships (friends for example) almost as important to me as romantic relationships. I want to be more available to my friends. Also, for the time being I’ve kind of let go of the long term relationship model and tell myself the important thing is to experience things, experience and be more connected to yourself and to the moment.

What are your plans for the future?

At the moment I rather have professional projects related to my artistic activity. Being single allows me to dedicate myself more and to have more mental space and above all more time.

For the not so near future, as a 33 year old female, I wonder about the children. I think that one day I would still like to have a child, and this puts a little pressure on me, because I tell myself that ideally I should start a relationship now if I want to build something with someone that can lead to a pregnancy (and that, before being too old). I’m going to freeze my eggs.

Do you have an anecdote about being single to share?

I have a friend – whom I am very fond of – who told me that she found herself (due to family commitments) without her son and wife in the family on Christmas Eve this year. the lose to go there alone.

I told myself that without realizing it, he was somehow judging my life. Although I know she doesn’t think I have a crappy life but she made me feel really sad to be alone in this situation. As if it was absolutely necessary to be in pairs and accompanied to take advantage of this moment.

Thanks to Sacha for answering our questions!