Signs you’re a people pleaser – and why psychologists say it could be harming your health

If you find it difficult to say “no” or struggle to articulate your own needs, it may be time to put yourself first.

At first glance, people-pleasing may not sound like a negative trait. Isn’t it just a little too much fun to say yes to everyone?

But therapists warn that people they love can damage their emotional and mental health — and it can happen so unconsciously and automatically that you might not even realize you’re one of them.

Selena Gomez previously revealed that she was a “people pleaser” until she had a “big moment” where she “stopped caring.”

Meanwhile, I’m a Celebrity star Sam Thompson described himself as a “people pleaser” with the “backbone of a fish” in the days before he entered the jungle.

“People who like it are kind and caring, so at first glance it’s not a problematic behavioral trait. “It can give the impression that you’re sweet and generous at heart,” says Dee Johnson, a BACP (British Association.) therapist. for counseling and psychotherapy).

But pleasing others always comes at a price, usually to yourself.

Selena Gomez (left) previously revealed that she was a “people pleaser” until there was a “big moment” where she “stopped caring.” Now I’m a Celebrity star Sam Thompson (right) described himself as a “people pleaser” with the “backbone of a fish” in the days before he entered the jungle.

What are the signs that you are a people pleaser?

There are different types of people pleasers. Commonly referred to as a “yes person”, while others are more of a “carer” – who cares about the needs of others and want to help – and someone who is more of a “chameleon” who ignores their own feelings in order to fit into Others.

Aside from the usual sign of constantly saying “yes” to other people’s ideas, plans and desires, Johnson says that many people-pleasers “never really express their own needs or ideas”—whether at work, at the home, with friends etc. in relationships.

“They are not naturally assertive, appear friendly and are always happy to do what others want,” and often appear very comfortable. But what really happens is that they put everyone else before themselves (or none at all), and in doing so completely undermine themselves,” says Johnson.

Also notice if you say “sorry” more often than “no”. “Sorry” is an easy word for people pleasers, while “no” rarely appears in their vocabulary.” You can even excuse other people’s behavior when you don’t have to.

Chronic indecisiveness can also be a sign that you are not used to listening to your own desires and needs because you are so focused on other people.

Where does it come from?

This is most likely an unconscious schematic response that you learned as a coping mechanism from a past experience (often, but not always, in childhood).

Johnson says, “Growing up in a household or relationship where obedience, kindness, and keeping the peace make life easier” can cause a person to carry these patterns into adulthood or other relationships. “When we learn safety or protective behaviors, we tend to repeat them over and over.”

An overbearing parent whose needs and opinions seem more important than those of the child can also lead to problems later in life.

In more extreme cases, some may have only received love or approval for meeting the needs and desires of others — “so they learn to feel validated by that and feel like they just have to keep giving,” Johnson adds.

“Let your belief system be shaped by the experience that love, care and security are purely conditional and force a person to deny their own needs.”

How big is the long-term damage?

“People pleasers rarely share their problems, concerns and worries – of course not, because being a people pleaser is never about you, you don’t want to upset or belittle anyone, and you fear rejection and devaluation,” notes Johnson .

“As we know all too well, the suppression of our emotions leads to emotional and physical problems. [including] persistent anxiety, depression, excessive fear-based responses.”

By pleasing others before yourself, you continue to “reinforce the internal belief that you are not worthy or worthy of love,” she explains.

Never setting boundaries with other people can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. “You give people permission to step on you, but inside you feel hurt and rejected, angry and unheard,” she says.

“But because no one knows who you really are and what you really need, people will have no idea that they are upsetting you.”

‘[Other] “People can become so afraid of rejection that they focus on the feelings of others and lose the ability to face or even know their own feelings,” Johnson continues.

This can cause you to unconsciously become attracted to people and relationships that don’t pay as much attention to your needs – because it feels familiar.

To avoid “burdening” other people with their inner feelings — which people who are pleasant try to avoid — some people try to deal with feelings that are harmful to them, such as addiction, Johnson said.

How to Stop People Pleasing

It can be hard to recognize people in yourself who like you – and it can even be hard to recognize that it’s a pattern when it comes from a place of pain.

“It’s important to remember that it’s not your fault, because people who are satisfied tend to blame themselves and feel ashamed very easily,” says Johnson. “If your people’s pleasant behavior is due to a painful situation, try to realize that it was a coping strategy and that sometimes we have no choice. So be proud and grateful that you found a way to survive, and give yourself permission to make it happen.” go, because it no longer helps you.”

First, work on your self-talk (which can be easier said than done) and every time you notice that your self-talk is negative, try to change it.

“Stop asking permission for things you don’t need to ask permission for,” suggests Johnson. Recognize that you have agency and don’t constantly need the opinion or approval of others. However, if you need help, ask for it. “It can come as a shock to the people around you,” Johnson notes, because it will represent a change in patterns that others are used to and may be used to.

Define boundaries. “Start saying no to things that feel uncomfortable or cause stress or discomfort,” she adds. “The great thing about someone reacting negatively to your boundary is that it proves its necessity — so don’t give in and please people just because they didn’t like it.”

Practice being more assertive – which can be scary at first. “It doesn’t mean you have to be aggressive and forceful,” says Johnson. “A perfect example is saying where you’d like to go for dinner, as opposed to the usual response that people like: that you’d like to go wherever they want to go.”

For chronic excuse makers, she recommends an “apology jar,” like a swear jar. “Notice and correct every time the word “sorry” appears, even if it’s not necessary [be saying sorry].’

If you can afford it, talking to a therapist who addresses behavioral issues, childhood trauma, and low self-esteem can help you understand yourself better and take control.

Dee Johnson is working on BACP’s latest campaign, RAISE, which aims to raise awareness of men’s mental health and when to seek help.