BEL MONEY: How can I heal the fracture in my twins’ family?

dear Bell,

I lost my twin sister Joyce shortly before the Covid epidemic.

I got a call from my niece Sally to inform her that her mother had fallen, broke both legs and is in the hospital.

Since Joyce has COPD, I didn’t see her due to a bad cold. But then Joyce got worse and I was finally with her even though she was unconscious.

I was in close contact with his family until the funeral. We discussed who should do this eulogy and a few names are mentioned.

No one was in the mood, and I was surprised and impressed when Sally took charge the same day. But I knew something was wrong because he was ignoring me and my family.

Then Covid struck. My husband and I were wondering what happened to Joyce’s ashes, but I felt I couldn’t call and ask her family for fear of upsetting them.

When the restrictions were lifted, my brother-in-law came to see us. It was beautiful and impressive to see him, but he didn’t know anything about the ashes.

When he left, I saw the undertaker still carrying them.

A few weeks later I got a wonderful message from him that Joyce is now at home and will include me in his plans to rest his ashes. I emailed him my luck.

Unfortunately, my luck ran out when my niece sent me a message to leave her father alone and not interfere, as I did when Joyce died.

He accused me of many things, none of which was true. She declined a phone call and hid hostile messages that appeared to be bullied. We haven’t spoken to each other for six months.

I still see my brother-in-law (and niece) but cannot visit him as my niece lives with him. I don’t know if Joyce’s ashes are scattered. It’s tearing me apart.

He was my other half. I need to be able to visit him and talk to him. I want things to be better with Sally, but unfortunately I don’t think that will happen.

He has a past and hasn’t spoken to his brother in a long time. I’ve lost as much as Joyce, and it really bothers me.

DAISY PIZZA

First, let me say I’m sorry that the twins who meant so much to you were suddenly taken away – and always will be.

He was only 70 years old (your original letter was too long so I have a lot more details) and by God’s grace he should have lived the same life as you.

It seems like you’re still a nuisance of loss and the kind of closure that can be done when there is a grave to visit, or even a private place where ashes are strewn around. The symbolic value of this in the healing process cannot be underestimated.

What can be said about Sally’s behavior? All the details of what happened before Joyce’s funeral, meticulously described in your email, make you feel like they’ve somehow made you a scapegoat for all their problems, including the pain she felt for her mother – and maybe even feel a little guilty about having them together. fatal fall occurred.

You say he has a fighting background too – some people are like that. It is very sad, I hope that one day perhaps you will make peace with the intercession of your cousin and brother-in-law. Now that Joyce wants it to happen, I hope it does.

If I were you, I would write a nice letter to his brother-in-law and invite him to visit. Tell him what you think of the ashes and sincerely ask for help.

He knows, of course, that when the ashes fall, you can come and visit us, leave a rose, talk to your sister, be at peace.

But if Joyce’s ashes are still at home and with her family, it can help create a lasting personal memory.

Many people find it helpful to make a piece of jewelry or a paperweight containing the ashes of a loved one.

For example, visit ashesintobathaquaglass.com (a company that only offers this service, but that I know of and can vouch for) and see what it can do. The process is carried out with great respect and everyone can be reached by e-mail. All you need is a teaspoon of ash, nothing more.

If your brother-in-law could deliver these precious relics to you in a small envelope, you could (say) have a necklace made for you and hold it close to your heart.

I hope this creative thought helps you process everything that happens, at least knowing that your sister is still with you.

I feel so unwanted without intimacy

dear Bell,

I am 60, my husband is 47 and we have been married for 20 years. We have an 18-year-old daughter and four children from a previous marriage.

Our family is truly loving and supportive. We are a balanced, cultured and loving couple. And we really love each other.

But tonight I found the courage to talk to my husband about the lack of intimacy in our lives. There was enough of it, but none in the last three years.

I mentioned it on New Year’s Eve, that we slept in separate rooms and barely hugged in front of the TV. His answer was that he didn’t care anymore.

I was scared because I was fatter and older, but he said it had nothing to do with either. He is no longer interested in sex and does not care. I tried to kindly point out that this was an issue for me. It hadn’t even occurred to him.

I know the mattress on our super king bed hurts your back, but the sex at night doesn’t last long and I feel like that’s becoming an excuse to sleep in the guest room.

I’m the one who always brings up this issue, but it never makes a difference. I feel lonely and hopeless – also sad that he never cared how it would affect me.

My husband is a sweet boy. But I don’t know what to do.

VALERIA

To be absolutely honest, I must admit that your letter broke my heart. But there is more reason for me to cover it a little in this chapter, because it is an issue that comes up a lot and affects a lot of people.

I was once scolded by a reader (in response to a similar letter) for daring to say that sex causes more problems than it’s worth. Well, this is a rough summary of what I wrote, but it sums up my general attitude.

I recently spoke with a man I know who came up with the idea that if a man or woman loses interest in sex, nothing can be done about it.

Many people – of both sexes – reach middle age to find that this is the case.

The tension and impulse in the relationship also disappear. Maybe they just never felt like sex. Maybe even when they were younger, they preferred to secretly read a book or watch the big game instead of going out and kissing.

In my opinion, the extraordinary emphasis on sex in society (every year postage) gives a very distorted view of the importance of once-private moments.

Yes, sex can be the most glorious and supreme experience that connects you to someone you love. But when the need for sexual freedom is gone, the love between two soul mates can be more beautiful, deeper and more lasting than any orgasm.

Some people will see this notion as heresy. Sex therapists and columnists might expect me to suggest you sneak into her room smelling everything and ready, crawl into her bare bed, and try skin-to-skin therapy that can work wonders.

They’ll offer “touch” and “hold” as advice – and there’s nothing wrong with such generous advice.

But in reality, couples are past the point where such tricks work. Shame is felt. Rusty robots no longer move, and in real life no repair technique can restore a mind that has simply decided to “no longer care”.

Also, women can strive for marriage. Can a man have an erection if he doesn’t want it?

But your question is how to deal with a situation that makes you unhappy. Is it acceptable?

You love and care for each other, which seems like the best sign of a happy old age where one person might need more attention than the other.

In parts of Eastern Europe, it was common for couples to sleep separately. For me, the comfortable combination of a double bed is very important and keeps loneliness away.

If I were you, I’d get rid of that mattress, maybe invest in one of those two-half double beds, and suggest you start sharing a bedroom again.

A nighttime hug can warm the heart, even when other parts are asleep. I suspect you want love and affection more than the old three letter word.

And finally … Lyrics are no place for an angry word

Ah, I did something very stupid, stupid. All these years I have tried to give advice from my heart and mind, no doubt sometimes wrong, but I always try to infuse my answers with practical common sense.

There is an old Latin tag, Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, meaning “Who watches over the guards?” In the past, I’ve asked this (somewhat jokingly) “Who is the advice columnist recommending?” I expanded it. What a pertinent question!

I argued with readers who wrote to explain in the text how they argued. I asked why they were doing such a stupid thing.

Who can say something subtle and meaningful in a text? Conciseness can be harsh and painful, and you should think carefully before writing anything.

You will at least hear a tone when you answer the phone. So what did I do? Yes, I had a fight with someone I love very much via text messages. I wouldn’t have posted the first if I hadn’t had a few drinks – and here’s another important caveat for you all.

In any case, this discussion made me and others very unhappy, though they were (rightfully) angry. The next day I still felt angry, but I realized I was wrong.

These views should have been reserved for me – and there is another caveat for you. Maybe social media neglect is endearing and everyone thinks their opinions should be voiced. The thing is, I wasn’t asked.

There was only one thing to do: go to their house and apologize. So I did, and after a nice conversation (with some tears), all was forgiven. I confessed to this dear person that I have been feeling very nervous since my mother died or even lost it. My apologies are accepted. Relaxation!

Never again will I argue about text. It is a public confession of the painful private turmoil of an imperfect human being.