What’s behind the fact that I like married men?

If you ever fell in love with a married man, it could be an accident. If you regularly fall for married men, this is already a pattern. If you understand that you consciously choose unfree partners, it is worth understanding why this is happening.

Having an affair with a married man is in itself a questionable venture. It’s not always about “happily ever after”; It is impossible to build a harmonious relationship with such a person. You are probably not ready for something serious, you know how to behave with a married man and this type of relationship is suitable for you.

But what if this is not the case and the psychology of a mistress is not related to you? Of all the candidates vying for your heart, is it only open from time to time to a married man, because he is more interesting, handsome, more successful, etc. What should you do if you love a man who is already married and think that he is the one you need and marrying someone else is just a fatal mistake?

In this material, NLP master (interpersonal communication, personality development and approach to psychotherapy) Natalya Cherkasova talked about the reasons why you can regularly have intercourse with a married man, how you can understand what is behind this and how to stop attracting unavailable partners.

Natalya Cherkasova, NLP master

Reason #1: Your parents were distant

Relationships with parents form the basis of the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat love should be. If an important adult in childhood and throughout adulthood has frequently disappeared, been emotionally cold, or abandoned the family altogether, then the child may form a stereotype that love must be earned. For example, parents became interested in their children only when they brought home A grades or talked about achievements, and the rest of the time they were busy with their lives and work. By the way, we’re not necessarily talking about daddy issues (a term used for problems with establishing a secure attachment); A distorted idea of ​​closeness may also be affected by the mother’s coldness. The girl, who gets used to the fact that she cannot receive her parent’s love unconditionally, carries this behavioral pattern into adulthood. In a man, she is looking for the figure of her parent, who did not show her enough love in her childhood: she wants someone like mom or dad to take care of her and protect her from all difficulties. His interest is aroused only by those who need his attention. A married man fits this description perfectly.

A relationship between a married man and a single woman does not mean that the former shows complete devotion; On the other hand, it is not necessary for the man to be regularly present in the girl’s life. He will spend most of the day at work or with his family. But the choice of such a girl falls not only on married men: men who are overly absorbed in their work or in long-distance relationships also support habitual patterns of behavior.

Not being loved in childhood also creates a stereotype in the girl child that she does not deserve true love. She is not good enough, not talented enough, not beautiful enough to be loved, and therefore not ready for the role of mistress. Distant partners confirm her stereotypes: Do I deserve for one person to love only me? It is very difficult to change such life attitudes on your own; It is better and more effective to work on these with a psychotherapist. An expert will help you find the answer to the question of why you are drawn to the unfree. Otherwise, one married lover will replace the other, leaving you with the question “why do married men love me?” The question will remain. open.

Reason #2: You’re afraid of intimacy

Intimacy requires openness and vulnerability towards the other person. You can always lose a person, he may not understand you or leave you. Coming out is always scary. Even if a girl does her best to convince herself that she wants to start a family and get married, but continues to have an affair with a married man from time to time, she most likely has a serious fear of having a truly intimate relationship. This fear is rooted in life experience. It can occur from an early age: This is not necessarily caused by separation of parents; Some psychologists suggest that a child needs only one traumatic experience in childhood to reinforce the belief that the loss of a loved one is frightening. Or parents, on the contrary, were overprotective and did not provide the necessary freedom, so the idea of ​​\u200b\u200blove was formed as something stifling.

Another fear of intimacy may be associated with a painful relationship experience: Your partner abandoned or betrayed you, or was a household tyrant who restricted your freedom. In this case, a relationship with a married man subconsciously seems safe. Such a man will never settle in your apartment and build a joint life with you. And although it may seem like you will leave his wife and live happily ever after, he is actually vouching for you to maintain your independence. But it also makes sure you don’t feel alone.

Reason #3: You can’t let yourself be alone

Stereotypes in modern popular culture and society try to impose on us the idea that loneliness is not normal. Numerous songs and movies are about love, separate holidays are dedicated to honoring love unions, we are constantly told from everywhere that we will find our “soul mate”. And until recently, life “without a soulmate” was practically not considered at all. As if this is a painful phase that you need to move through quickly. Even if being single is not a problem for you, it can be very difficult to accept this fact when everyone around you is getting married, having children and asking if there is someone out there for you. A systematic connection with a married man in this case again allows you to maintain comfortable loneliness in everyday life, but at the same time you do not feel wrong by the standards of relationship psychology. Maybe you don’t actually need a relationship to be happy, but you do need to learn to be alone with yourself?

Reason #4: You’re bored with a quiet relationship

When you start a relationship with a married man, you automatically end up at odds. You can deceive yourself into thinking that you are now comfortable with this format and do not want any obligations, but sooner or later the conflict will enter its active phase. He will never be with you on holidays, he may need to leave and go to his wife at any time, he will not introduce you to his friends, let alone his parents. Some people get bored of healthy relationships; Such relationships are routine and understandable, devoid of the fire of passion. And it is in abundance in relationships with married people. The only question is what exactly will upset and worry you. If all your relationships are full of scandals and quarrels, maybe the relationship with a married man is a continuation of the usual format? Such ideas about love can be formed under the influence of the example of parental relationships. Maybe mom and dad often quarreled and cursed, and you never saw an example of gentle and loving couples before your eyes. Meanwhile, popular culture is not far behind here; How many examples of healthy relationships do you remember from movies or books? According to the rules of dramaturgy, characters need conflict, unfortunately sometimes we reconstruct such scenarios in real life.

Reason #5: You enjoy being the victim.

Drama lovers are also guided in their ideas about relationships by the belief that true love must be experienced. For a drama queen, the value of a relationship is measured by how much she puts up with it. An affair with a married man (or simply an unavailable partner) only reinforces the idea of ​​love pain. For the sake of great love, one must wait, endure, tolerate the existence of another woman, and then one day he will definitely understand who really loves him, come to his senses and file for divorce. Such dependent relationships allow the girl to feel like a victim and not take any active steps to build her personal happiness. “I can’t influence this relationship in any way, so I can only wait and hope.”

Reason #6: You like to compete

Sometimes the question isn’t about the man at all. We live in an age of increasing competition, and the sphere of personal relationships is no exception. It is generally accepted that a man should pursue a woman, and it is he who is interested in competing and winning. But women also have a competitive spirit. By attracting the attention of an unfree man, we receive internal confirmation that we are more beautiful or more interesting than the other woman. In the short term this increases self-confidence, but in the long term it does not work. Relationship with a married man is an endless oscillation. Today he chose you for a family dinner, but on the weekend he will go to the dacha with his family and there will no longer be any reason for superiority. It is much more environmentally friendly to look for support within yourself and learn to love and accept yourself regardless of external evaluations.

sums up

It turns out that women do not always like married men because they are somehow better than those who did not manage to get married. Often girls enter into a relationship with a married man due to fears, complexes and wrong attitudes arising from past failures in relationships or inexperience.

In order not to waste precious time trying to win the love of a married man, it is important to understand yourself and the psychology of relationships. It will be difficult to understand all this on your own, so it is important to trust a specialist and improve your life under the supervision of a qualified psychologist.