As in any relationship, there are risks: why do girls choose younger guys?

Working with the shadow side, inner energy, and other trendy psychological stories that exploded over the past year has taught me one important thing – not to deny what comes naturally to me. One fine morning, after a party that ended for me away from home, I finally reconciled with something I could only joke about before – yes, I like younger guys. In our editorial office there were jokes about the local “Stifler’s mother” and the fact that my husband-to-be wasn’t born yet, and this topic was born – surprisingly, about age limits and stereotypes that had plagued us until now. the age of broken patterns and new game rules.

As I put the “from eighteen” range on Tinder, Tatyana Sokolova, psychologist, transition analyst, coach, and Zigmund.Online service specialist, answers my questions about age and love.

Tatyana Sokolova – psychologist, transition analyst, coach and Zigmund.Online service specialist

Does the stereotype that a strong age difference interferes with healthy relationships in a couple still hold true today?

To a large extent, we build healthy relationships when we can meet our own needs, work on them, and listen to a partner’s needs within those relationships. For example, it is important for us to know that we are safe emotionally and physically, that our values ​​are similar, that we can show our love for one another and boldly declare that we are uncomfortable in a relationship. There are many such important needs, but when they become visible to both parties, any relationship can be healthy and happy.

There are times when the age difference is considered critical. For example, gerontophilia, when there is a sexual attraction to the elderly, or ephebophilia, when the sexual attraction of adults to adolescents is felt.

How does the age difference actually affect the relationship in a couple?

The age difference can create some “cliffs” in ideas about interests, lifestyle and values. But let’s be honest: This is influenced not only by age, but also by environment, previous experiences, family, and other factors. As in any relationship, there are risks. No one can guarantee that the relationship will be perfect.

The healthy relationship everyone desires is the relationship between two adults.

They can negotiate, compromise, articulate their limits in a relationship. Sometimes we can be in other positions – “child” or “parent”. An older spouse can take the “parent” position, be in charge of all finances, solve “adult” issues, and be a controlling person. Accordingly, a younger partner risks being in the position of a “kid” where they decide who to be friends with and where to go on Friday evening. A large age gap may indicate that such a structure is built within these relationships, but there are bound to be couples who manage to form adult, healthy relationships despite a large age gap.

If a boy is younger than a girl, does he usually feel psychological pressure and discomfort?

As a rule, such complex emotions can arise when criticism of oneself or a girl’s criticism is strongly manifested. It stems from a mismatch between a beautiful picture and reality, and in a relationship with an older girl, the guy will really feel the lack of success, finances or other important factors more acutely if he initially considers them important.

However, in a healthy relationship, acceptance comes from the partner, not criticism; There is support and co-development, not requirements and frameworks that need to be met.

Why would a man choose an older woman?

Of course this may be for love, but often men get into this type of relationship because of some kind of lack. For example, there is a shortage of money or a beautiful painting, and a grown woman will surely fill this need well. Parenting relationships are also worth examining.

When growing up and separation from the parental family does not occur, a man can find such a “mother image” that he is missing – a woman who will give gifts, solve problems, provide a safe and stable life.

Being independent and an adult is scary, which means you have to find someone who can be an adult for you. These things can be resolved in therapy, it becomes more mature and bolder to go into a world where I can choose mates based on my desires and preferences, not on shortcomings.

Why might girls prefer younger boys?

If a girl is much older than her partner, feelings of power, as well as concern for another person, are often manifested. Such a girl knows that her partner has greatly influenced her life and assumes that perhaps it is easier to keep such a man, not be offended and can be “grown up”. Is there an opportunity to clarify what is scary and dangerous in therapy, peers, or older men? And what happened in life that it is safer to be with young men? Childhood traumas of a different nature or a lack of need of some kind may occur. For example, if acceptance, attention and love are not enough for a woman, then a young man is more likely to give romance, passion and warm feelings.

How to save a relationship when the man in a couple is younger?

The first and most important point is to negotiate. Discuss boundaries and define what’s normal in your relationship. Try to create an adult story without manipulation. Talk honestly about your feelings and enter that intimacy, share different states with a person.

Clarifying the truth helps a lot: where are we going, how do you see our relationships developing, what can we do to make them better?

All the advice here comes down to one thing: saying “words of mouth” and clarifying what isn’t clear.

Notice whether the needs in these relationships are closed: in security; in importance and acceptance; generality and confirmation of personal experience; in its self-determination and uniqueness; to influence; at the initiative of the other and finally in the manifestation of love.

Is it true that men mature late? What is it connected with?

This is another of the social stereotypes, but verifiable. In Russia, girls are usually given a lot of responsibility from childhood, they talk about their role in the family, about household chores. Such a girl will be more mature than her peers. This ingrained cliché has been around for centuries, and a “good girl” has to take on that role and be reasonable and true. Men are usually given more freedom and hence such a look is created. In reality, I think, each of the readers will be able to remember his conscious comrades, who are already 20 years old, quite adult men with goals and plans. Men who were given freedom of choice in childhood, talking about responsibility for their actions, engaged in emotional and physical education, grow at about the same pace. Any person can become an adult if they are aware of their life responsibilities and are sufficiently separated from their parental family.